How do I tell her?

[thepurgebegins]

My sister found out she was pregnant about a month ago. In her screening she had a high chance of baby having down syndrome which has now been confirmed and she's decided to terminate which will be in a few days. I love my sister very much and we are close. I found out I'm pregnant last week and was going to tell family in a few weeks but how do I tell her.. I know people will say just say it but I feel guilty. I dont know how to say it, what to say..This is the second time it's happened to me. First pregnancy my sister in law got pregnant after i told her i was, she had a miscarriage 2 months later and I had a healthy baby boy 6 months later and now again?? 😞 I feel so shit. I couldn't wait to be pregnant with her. Anybody been through this or advice please.

Tell her before you tell the rest of the family and make sure she is not on her own. My situation was slightly different. While a family member was going through IVF, I got pregnant very easily with my second. I made sure her husband was with her when I rang to tell her, it had to be a phone call because we live in different countries. I didn't do any big social media announcement and made no big deal when we finally told the rest of the family, which was done individually rather than during any sort of family gathering. I would wait as long as you realistically can after she's had her termination as that's a lot to deal with in itself. I'm really sorry... it's an awful situation for her to be in 😕 It was so hard to make the phone all and she was very upset, but I know my family member really appreciated the heads up before everyone else found out.

So sorry that you and your sister are going through this, it's just awful.
I would follow the advice from the pp, tell her first, privately, give her time to process her feelings and prepare herself emotionally before announcing it to anyone else.
You said you are close so I'm sure she'll be happy for you but of course there will be some difficult emotions.
It's really admirable of you to consider her feelings in this before your own. You deserve to celebrate and enjoy your pregnancy and baby but might just have to do things a little more low key.

I've been your sister and the news will hurt however it is delivered - but privately and sensitively is the best way and not just when you tell her the news but afterwards too. I hated the constant moaning from my sister I had to listen to about morning sickness and how much she hated being pregnant when I would have given anything to be her

I would agree with the above, having had 3 miscarriages and MANY pregnancy announcements in that time. The one I appreciated most was my sister in law who phoned us (not video so I could cry without it being obvious) before telling anyone else in the family. It made us feel cared for and respected. The one I was most upset about was a friend who didn't tell me she was pregnant until she was 6 months and I was going to visit her and basically just said because I would have seen her bump, despite us being really good friends (we live far away so only see each other ~once/year). Don't tell everyone else before you tell your sister, even if you want to share the news before she will be ready to hear it - you can just wait to tell everyone until she will be ready.

Don't do it in person, because it is nice to have that space where as soon as you hang up you can just cry without making the pregnant person feel bad. But I like the suggestion of making sure her husband is home. It will always be really hard, so keep it simple and don't expect her to give you a huge congratulations. Acknowledge to her how hard it will be for her, but don't feel like you have to keep apologising - this is still good news. Thank you for your care and concern, you are clearly being very thoughtful about this.

@Gooseysgirl thankyou for this. I definitely will make sure to tell her first before anyone else. I don't think I could do it over a phone call as I would just keep thinking how she's taking it. I'd want to give her a hug but also would leave shortly after so she has her space. I'm a person who believes in keeping pregnancy private until the very end if not the birth so nobody on social media would know like that. Evil eye is real! Thankyou so much

@theintern I worry the after more than the telling. She's not a person to judge as she knows things happen in life. She's been asking me to have baby no 2 for ages so I know she'll be super happy but I know I will hesitate in voicing my feeling in pregnancy whether I'm craving something, any discomforts etc when I shouldn't have to either. Awful situation to be in km sorry that happened to you.

@Cosmos24 Helo. Yes I agree she should be told first. I will wait as late as possible before I think she should know as my husbands family also have a right to know soon as his father is unwell. I'm not sure about that doing it over the phone as I would feel so insensitive. We prefer talking in person and I feel like I could comfort her. She has been asking me to have a baby for ages and even said it today that I need to give ds1 a sibling after her hospital appointment ( i went with her). She's a very non judgemental person. Also I couldn't have her be alone as she would be on the phone. Her husband can be an ass and he doesn't talk to most family... if I said sit down with her he's the type of person to say " that's stupid just tell her yourself". I would leave after and give her time to herself l. I also have a right to be happy but it's such a difficult situation and it's not the first time. I feel awful and have a knot in my stomach 😞 x

@sel2223 thankyou so much for replying and saying that. She'😞. Its a happy sad situation is all x

Oh bless you, it's hard. But you know your sister better than anyone so you know how the best way of doing it is. I think the fact that you're taking the time to really consider how to tell her shows you will do it sensitively.

I've been your sister. Thank you for thinking of her at this time which is so difficult for her but so full of joy for your own situation, it's so hard to balance the emotions.
My first pregnancy I lost, my brother and sister in law got pregnant around 6 months after and that was hard enough. This time I just got a call today from my brother to say they are pregnant again, just had 12 week scan so they would have got pregnant just a couple of weeks after my most recent loss.
Tell her first, tell her by message (unless you are absolutely certain she would want you to comfort her in person), tell her when she has time and space to process. Don't expect any congratulations from her when you tell her, I imagine she would be able to congratulate you in time but in the moment it's really going to hurt, more than you can probably imagine.
But - please make sure that you celebrate your pregnancy with other loved ones. Ask your sister to tell you how much she wants to know about the pregnancy as it progresses, and how she would like to be communicated with. Take her lead. Xx

I have been in a similar situation to your sister and it’s tough, she will be sad but she will be happy for you. It will be emotional and heart wrenching but as you said you’re close, it would be bad to hear it from someone else.

I don’t mind sharing to help give some insight and perspective. I was the first of us siblings to start a family. My daughter was born full-term but she was unknown to us, very poorly and we had to make tough decision to withdraw medical care and she passed away at three days old.

A few weeks later, a few days after the funeral my brother and sister in law said they needed a chat and explained that they were expecting. My first instinct was pain and jealousy, we all broke down crying and hugging each other, it was tough. Once the initial pain subsided it got better. I respected that they came to me and were aware of my feelings. But ultimately I was happy for them, for our family and it also gave me a little hope. When I eventually conceived again, they were just the happiest for me and my husband.

I hope your sister gets all the help she needs and that you both become closer, as I did with my brother.