Telling infertile colleague I'm pregnant

[lockdownbabyx]

Just as the title says really. She's been trying for a baby for over 5 years and is starting ivf treatment later this year.

We're a small team and one of the other girls have announced they are pregnant. She took it well initially when told of the pregnancy but has admitted to me recently that once home from work it really hit her and she couldn't get out of bed for 2 days.
I'm now pregnant aswell (only 5 week) so I won't be mentioning anything yet. But I just keep thinking about when the time comes and wanted some advice on how to break the news to her. I know it will be hard for her to hear and I want to be as sensitive as I can.

As someone who’s been in your colleagues shoes ( I waited 8 years) text her if you can. Don’t do it face to face. Give her a chance to process it and then deal with the immediate feelings of anger and jealousy.
I always found it easier to congratulate by text and the next time I saw them I was able to be happy for them. ( for the main part)

I’ve been in this position before. I messaged her separately and then told the rest of the team when she wasn’t there. It’s difficult whatever you do but I thought it would be kinder to allow her to react in private.

I agree, tell her via text. When someone was pregnant at my work they would annouce it at the end of our team weekly meeting (in person) and it would always hit me really hard in that moment (miscarriages and ivf) but had it keeps it together (then would go cry in the toilets). I even would have people say to me that they thought I would have been next ffs (yeah I would have if it wasn't for miscarriages).

I'd text her if you have her number. Ideally at a time you'd think she'd be at home then tell your team the next day (perhaps on teams message)

Completely agree with PP. Text is the way to go. I have been in both boats - I had 3.5 years of infertility and loss and then had my little boy.

Congrats on your pregnancy! Another vote for text or email, having been in that position with primary and then secondary infertility. I had experience of being told in person (trying to congratulate while also trying not to burst into tears) and via text (able to have a cry and then compose a congratulatory text). The latter was always preferable. Credit to you for putting so much thought into it, am sure she will appreciate it on some level. Some people can be very insensitive.

You know she's struggled. But you don't know if anyone else has and just isn't as open.

I guess what I'm saying is that you never know when announcing a pregnancy who it might affect, so if you text her then announce to everyone else you might well upset someone else!

Agreeing with everyone. Tell her by text, and in advance of the rest of the team. This allows her to congratulate you immediately but without having to look enthusiastic, she can react herself in private, and she will be used to the news before you announce it to the rest of the team.
I was in your colleagues place. No matter how painful and upsetting it was for me to hear about a pregnancy and was sad for myself, I was always truly happy for the other person.
Congratulations!

This is true.

Thank you all for the replies. Sounds like sending a text is the way to go, which I will do in a few weeks xx

@HowcanIhelp123 I understand what you're saying, it's not the case in this situation though x

Definitely text, especially as you know this person is having difficulties, I’ve been in her position, she will be pleased for you although will find it hard at times.

Yes, tell her in the way that affords her the most privacy. That way she can have her reaction, deal with her complex emotions, and then mostly likely be genuinely happy for you.

this is lovely you are thinking of her ! Just wanted to add the hurt doesn’t go away with the announcement so if you can be mindful of how you bring pregnancy into the office since it’s not an easy place for people to step away from when it’s too much. Obviously you cant hide the bump and you want to enjoy your pregnancy but I had a colleague who worked it into every single conversation and it was hell. (Even after I spoke to her and suggested a degree more sensitivity and shared that my daughter was thanks to a long hard ivf journey !) you could literally be talking about the refugee crisis in South Sudan or those two astronauts stuck in space and she’d somehow turn into a story about her being pregnant . If I wasn’t in the depths of sibling cycle IVF hell, I probably would have found it somewhat impressive.

This is such a good point. I'm 8 months pregnant now, after a miscarriage last year. I work with mostly women in 30s/40s, and I'm very mindful to minimise pregnancy talk unless someone else asks me first. Obviously can't hide my bump now, but you can be careful about how much you talk about it.

Also, she's not 'infertile'. She's having fertility issues. it's not a helpful label to use.

I was sort of on both sides. Had a loss and had to deal with someone being very inconsistent.
When it was my turn to be pregnant again, I told the person who had TTC problems by a heartfelt text. Did it just before announcing it to others so they'd find out from me.

I did the exact same. Only spoke about it when asked but even then briefly. Some people handled our losses terribly badly and it really stays with you. Would never want to do this to someone else, you can definitely never be too careful.

I think mention it but don’t make a massive fuss. Tone it down. In my last job people were endlessly messaging and posting about pregnancies and babies. I know some friends without babies got really sick of it and one especially found it upsetting. If it can be brought up alongside other things and interests people have it’s fine.

You all sound so thoughtful, it was the absolute opposite in my last work. One colleague started every email with ‘our new baby’ for weeks

I'm sorry to hear that 😔💐
But also wtf 😲

Do you have to announce it? Is it a close team where you do that? When I was pregnant I told my boss when I had to but didn’t do any great announcement. It just sort of got mentioned to work friends kind of in passing and word got around.

It was mad. Just give it a rest!!! Also it gets a bit boring. Your own baby is quite fascinating, other people’s not so much !!

I would text her on a Friday so she can have the weekend to process her feelings and won't have to see you the next day. I know, it might ruin her weekend but it will save her having to stick a brave face on. There's no perfect time or way to break this news unfortunately but you are being very kind and considerate of her feelings, you're a good person OP.

@Oganesson118 there are 4 of us who all sit together. I'm not going to make a huge deal out of it of course but she will find out at some point.