When is the right time?

[Elizabeth1999]

Hi so I’m 25 and my girlfriend is 32. We are in a same sex relationship so obviously will have to go down IVF/IUI route. I will be carrying but would like to use my partners egg. We really would like to start trying this process soon however I really am in 2 minds. i have just qualified with a foundation university course within my apprenticeship. I think I have the opportunity to do another course at within work next September but this would mean waiting another year/18 months to try for a baby. Or we could start trying soon but this would mean maybe not doing the course until possible after the baby.
I am aware that my partner is older and I know this reduces the quality of eggs and fertility so this is also playing on my mind. We both are ready for a baby and really excited , I just don’t know if to focus on my carer first or after.

Personally, I waited until I was established in my career before considering having a baby.

But it's a personal decision. I never planned (and am not going to be) a SAHM, and have career ambitions. So timing was a case of balancing the two

I've focused on my career for 15 years and part of me wishes I hadn't ❤️

Ultimately there is never a right time though😅 I've always been career focused but knew I wanted kids. Sadly I always threw career first.

This then means we've only started trying when I'm 36 and my other half is 42. I try not to regret things but I feel like I could have almost had a teenager by now if we started earlier ❤️

But I have no regrets and just hope I can still have a healthy baby, even though it hasn't happened yet ❤️

I think there is never a “perfect” time to have a baby, you just have to work out what is the best possible time for you & factoring in age/health as well. My husband and I just had our first baby this year, both in our 20’s, both established our careers, financially stable and bought our house first which were things we wanted ticked off before we thought about having a baby. You just need to sit together and decide what things you want done pre-baby, and what you’re happy to wait until after, and then see how that might work with age/health.

So for us for example we always said we wanted to be home owners, married, financially stable/with money saved and have good stable careers before we had a baby, we worked at getting those things done and at our ages (young) this was fine because we had the time. If we’d met at 35, my list would have probably looked very different if we didn’t have 5 years to get established, save, get married etc. Have a chat and figure out what’s most important & what you’d like done first then go from there x

There’s no right time but I’m pleased we waited til we had established careers and our own house, . Given you’ll have to have IVF if using her egg (and really don’t worry about egg quality declining at 32), could you start the process now and get some frozen embryos in storage? Then have them put in once you’re ready?

it’s true there is no such thing as the ‘right time’ as we can always think of more we want to do/achieve whether it’s personal goals or setting up the family for success via finances etc.

Similar to you, my wife and I also have a 7 year age gap (although I am 33 now and she is nearly 40) but I can relate in terms of the age difference and extra considerations. I would encourage you to get your wife’s fertility checked, this can be done for around £500 and will give you insight into how long you have. It really does give peace of mind, we did this before I had an amazing work opportunity for a year and it really took the stress out of it as luckily her fertility was great. After that we were lucky enough to get my wife pregnant with our first via IUI (back at the start of 2021). I’m currently pregnant with our second via IVF after 2 failed rounds of IUI. If you may want to use your eggs in the future it wouldn’t hurt to get your fertility checked too although we waited to do mine until we were thinking about having a second.

Feel free to ask any questions but the short answer in my opinion is: check fertility and you’ll have all the info to make an informed decision as to whether you postpone this work opportunity in favour of starting a family now. Financial/job security is great when starting a family but not more important than actually starting a family if it looks like the clock is ticking. It’s definitely worth considering that you could do the whole egg collection and fertilisation process and then simply freeze the embryos until you are ready and it eliminates the worry over egg quality!

I agree with this. You could get the ball rolling with ivf and freeze your embryos. Frozen Embryos have a much better rate of success than frozen eggs. Good luck on your journey, ivf can be tough for some people keep communicating with each other about your needs. I’ve had 4 rounds and found it ok but could be lonely at times xx

Definitely agree with what previous posters have said - if finances are not an issue - I would do a round or two of IVF now and get some embryos frozen for when you are ready to carry after you have finished your qualification. Probably also worth doing PGT-A testing on the embryos - that way you’ll know whether the ones you have are chromosomally normal or if additional rounds of IVF are needed (better to know that when your gf is 32 & go again then if needed, than a few years down the line when eggs are older & likelihood of chromosome issues are higher).

Checking fertility for both of you is also worthwhile but things like AMH can drop pretty quickly in 30s - so even if results are fine now, they might not be in a couple of years.

I wanted some stability before TTC. I'm bipolar and that comes with high risks of postpartum poor mental health. I waited until I had finished uni as my course required 70h weeks working 26 out of 28 days. I had been in my job about 18 months and my partner about 6 months when we started discussing it.
I worked on getting my mental health into a good place as well as my physical health. I started running and pilates. When I conceived I was in the best place physically and mentally I had been in years.
I also wanted to wait to make sure i got the enhanced maternity package and my partner to have options for shared leave. As it happened my partner changed jobs the month before I conceived and only qualified for 2 weeks leave.

There's never a good time but there are times worse than others. Some consistency and predictability in life I think can make a difference. So doing a new course that you don't know how demanding it will be will would be different to being part way through a course where you know what is expected of you and can have an idea of how a baby might fit alongside it and what adjustments might be required

Given you will be carrying, please understand ALL the hard work is on you. Your career or academic prospects will take a hit. Your body will take a beating. You will have to recover from birth/c section, breastfeed, have to lose the weight, then go back to work. Being the man/non-pregnant partner is VERY easy. My DH is incredibly supportive and proactive, he's an absolute gem, but he will admit all he has had to do is extra chores around the house and come to some appointments. He's kept fit, doing great at work, finished a masters etc while I'm just making it week to week. I haven't had a particularly problematic pregnancy but it really is more tiring than you think.

So what I want to say is you need to think about YOU. Get whatever qualifications you want first. Get going on a career. And in a few years, the right time will come.