Miscarriage - managers comments

[kimberleymur]

This is the first ever post I’ve put on (though long time reader).
not so long back I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I felt like my manager dealt with it terribly at the time but because I was a wreck I chose to probably put it down to me, but would value thoughts on his comments now some time has passed.
On the day the miscarriage was confirmed I had to ring in, I was crying down the phone, and his words of wisdom were ‘you were early and it’s very common’
When I returned after 4 days off (2 of which I couldn’t get out of bed) he asked me if I’d been ‘actually poorly’ or just upset?

This isn’t ok is it?

wow that was incredibly insensitive and inappropriate..

so sorry for your loss and I hope you have a lot of love and support around you x

I’m sorry for your loss OP. His comments were insensitive, I do think sometimes people (maybe especially men who haven’t experienced it themselves) don’t really know what to say when it comes to early loss miscarriages and sometimes maybe try to say what they think is the right thing “it’s common, don’t worry etc” which isn’t what anybody wants to hear at the time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, his comments were very insensitive - but like PP says, unfortunately people often don't quite know what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage and are trying to say something reassuring, so if I were you I would try not to take it too personally or be too offended by it. When I miscarried last year even my mum said something along the lines of "well you can try again" - these sorts of phrases are clumsy but usually well-meaning. However, he shouldn't have asked whether you were ill or "just upset" - that's just a really stupid thing to say. Again, though, it most likely stems from ignorance and not really understanding what someone who is experiencing a miscarriage is actually going through.

I hope things are starting to feel better for you now. ❤

Sorry for your loss, that was an inappropriate thing to say. Unfortunately miscarriage is still stigmatized and misunderstood in our society, and I think particularly men just have no idea what it's like, perhaps more so if their partners gone through it. My (female) manager was very unhelpful when I had a MC last year, she just sent me the sick leave policy and said 'hope you're OK'....Luckily I've changed line manager since to someone who is much better and has been very supportive in my current pregnancy.

I think sadly comments like this are very common. I had a miscarriage in my first pregnancy at a similar gestation and had the midwife tell me “it’s incredibly early and very common, 1 in 4 have a miscarriage in the first 12wks so you’re in good company”. The doctor said “at least you know you can get pregnant” to which I replied “that’s little relief if you don’t have a baby at the end of it!” So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss op 😔 it's definitely not down to you, it was an insensitive thing to say. It sounds like he was feeling a bit awkward and clumsy not knowing what to say talking to a female employee about it, rather than being nasty. Is he generally alright as a manager?

Ignorance isn't acceptable. Dealing with employees that are grieving, going through miscarriages, cancer diagnosis, etc. it all requires proper training for managers.

It's ridiculous that you can be promoted to manager without this required training.

It shouldn't be up to you to sort, but if you feel you want to, is there a HR person you can talk to about this? It can be about encouraging more training in the company rather than a formal complaint if you are worried.

Having said this, the main thing is to look after yourself. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Hopefully Tommy's is working on more awareness campaigns around this and I hope it will change in the future.

I think his comments were poorly phrased but well meant. The "it's early and it happens a lot" would have meant to try to make you feel reassured it will be fine long term and the "poorly or upset" I'd take as "were you ill and in lots of pain as well as upset?" to assess what extra you would have had to deal with. Some people just don't have the experience