Fear is getting the better of me…

[Alexandra84]

In very early days of pregnancy no3.
Two other children, the second of who was very ill when born, and I wouldn’t wish our experiences on anyone. The logical bit of my brain knows that these experiences are impacting on my current thinking.
Last year, while also pregnant, we chose to terminate as we were too overwhelmed by the medical needs of DS2. A two week stay in hospital caused me to lose all sense of perspective and I felt I couldn’t cope with everything. Again…the logical bit of my brain tells me we didn’t get any psychological help for this, and although I hugely regret that termination, I know it was done because of being placed in such an unfortunate situation.
A year later, it’s very early days with no3.
But the negatives thoughts are kicking in. I’ve been awake since 2.30am, listing all the things I’m worrying about. Finances, career, what if something is wrong with no3 and my other two have the burden of being a cared in the future. The worries go from quite superficial to extreme thinking.
No one expect my husband knows about the termination, I prefer to think that it didn’t happen because I judge myself so much.
Does anyone else think like this? Hope do you cope?

I'm assuming here that this pregnancy was planned, or at least not completely unexpected. So you must have done some thinking and discussion beforehand with your partner and decided that the positives outweighed the potential negatives. I think its natural to take pause. Have you considered accessing some mental health support during this pregnancy, to help with the anxiety? I would think anxiety would be a very natural response if your DS2 was born very ill.

I'm pregnant with number 3 too.
I think by this point in our parenting journey we're so exhausted and stressed.
I haven't got any constructive advice right this second but just want to send over my support and love. Hope your feeling better soon.

Hey @Alexandra84 if it’s ok I’m going to send you a DM. Literally going through the same thing as understand your feelings. It’s so tough with such high emotions and the hormonal impact is extreme. Be kind to yourself; I’m sure you’ve got this. Get as much help as you can as it’s not an easy road but the feelings seem to be more common than we are led to believe.

You had your reasons for decisions you made. In hindsight now that you're in a more stable situation it's tempting to view situation differently and question your actions.

It's important to make peace with the past andn continue prioritising your existing family like you have been. Judging yourself won't change anything. You're only human.

Of course there will be challenges in the future, but like with every obstacle you have faced to date, you'll survive and get past it.