Why am I still so worried?

[ETsJourney]

Hello all,

In another post I described how Im extremely worried about the current pregnancy of my partner. We had a missed miscarriage last year, where we spent 3 weeks being happy and thinking everything was okay ( after a positive 7 week scan) and then on our 10 week scan we found out that the baby stopped developing at 8+1 (so just after one day of the positive scan!). Now my partner is 11,5 weeks pregnant. We had an ultrasound last Sunday and all is going perfect. But Im constantly worried! Ive been bothering my partner to go for a private scan every 4 days (thats when my anxiety really peaks). I keep asking her how she is feeling. And when Im trying to limit this obsessive behavior im getting panic attacks. It seems that I have much higher anxiety than my partner. Maybe its relevant to add than when she miscarried I tried (after advice of the nurse) to retrieve the embryo and then I saw it in quite bad condition. My partner didnt want to see it. Could this be the reason Im reacting like this on this pregnancy?
This week we are waiting for the results of the prenatal screening. Im so afraid that something will be wrong.

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this, anxiety is a beast and not only affects the mother during pregnancy but also the partner.
Ive had terrible anxiety in all of my pregnancies, the worst one was after a MMC so I truly understand how you are feeling. A MMC is a terrible shock especially as there's often no signs. I can speak from experience that as the weeks progress you will start start to feel better. The first trimester is horrible. Is there anyone you can talk to other than your partner?

Thank you so much for your supportive reaction. It's a very difficult finding people in real life who have experienced something similar.
I talked to a psychologist after the MMC but he didn't seem to understand. He even said something about "nature doing her job" 😔
I stopped going to him after that.

@ETsJourney you will unfortunately notice on here that MMC's are incredibly common, yet until you go through it it's not something you hear about at all. Your trauma from the last pregnancy is obviously impacting your ability to think clearly during this pregnancy and you are reacting irrationally, like wanting to book scans every 4 days. You say on your op that you are waiting for the screening results, has your partner already had her 12 week scan?

Hi I had a missed miscarriage 3 weeks ago I was 12 weeks baby stopped at 8 weeks 😢 it’s a heartbreaking thing to go through as no symptoms all the time! I understand what you are going through with the worry and anxiety 😥 my partner is also worried to be pregnant again incase the same thing happens. Maybe try speaking to the midwife for reassurance. I don’t mean to sound mean but I get worrying but please don’t try and panic etc around your partner as stress can lead to miscarriages etc also. I hope everything goes well for you both 🤞

Not yet. Thats next week. I hope that if the results are good news that my anxiety will decrease. It's so weird that the statistics say that they are actually a very small percentage, as are miscarriages after seeing a heartbeat. So when something like this happens it doesn't feel like just bad luck or coincidence.

It is so horrible, isn't it? No, Im not panicking around my partner. I also try to limit asking her how she feels to once a day and keep my anxiety as much as possible to myself. Unfortunately my sleep is also affected, I dont sleep well and that leads to a vicious cycle.
I hope everything goes well for you and your partner too!

Yes it’s awful 😞 and it really does add stress to the next pregnancy that’s meant to be a happy exciting time. I honestly know how you feel with the anxiety and worrying I am the same and the hurt that doesn’t go away 😢. Thank you ☺️

With that level of anxiety, you need to see a doctor. I mean this kindly but your wife will need you to be the supportive, calm, level headed one, please remember this is all happening to her, her body is going through massive changes, hormones all over the place, trying to hold down a job, worrying about mat leave, career, appointments etc. You risk making this about you which is not ok.

Just to add, I don't meant my post to be harsh, but maybe framing your role and purpose in all this will help focus things in your mind.

MMC is unfortunately very common and I am really sorry you are going through this but your psychologist was insensitive but right - ultimately in the vast majority of cases it is a protective mechanism against growing a baby which has genetic issues that are not compatible with life. It’s not something that can be controlled or prevented.

MMC happens a lot as the parents get older and I have been through 6 of them. And I agree with the previous poster - your anxiety over something you cannot control helps no one. I went through a similar experience so I understand where this comes from but it’s a vicious circle of trying to control factors that are absolutely beyond control. I did a full course of CBT for my anxiety and it helped me tremendously, much more than repeating reassuring behaviours that only trigger the next “what if”. I think the best course of action is to seek help for yourself because right now you are tormenting your partner and yourself over something that can neither be prevented nor controlled. CBT is very effective for anxiety disorders and it gives you a useful set of coping strategies that can be applied to other contexts and situations.