Not enjoyed pregnancy

[AnonymouslyE]

Hi All,

New and going anonymous here (and probably venting).

I’m a FTM and due in a couple of weeks and I’ve hated being pregnant. I’ve had a very easy pregnancy physically. Managed to get pregnant very quickly and other than some thyroid issues and insomnia, everything has basically been textbook. Never got sick, only really started aching the last couple of weeks, so I know I’ve been very lucky with that compared to some friends who had miscarriages and terrible sickness.

Even with all that good stuff, I’ve just felt disconnected and miserable the whole time. At first I thought it was because I felt guilty for getting pregnant so quickly compared to those friends which had multiple miscarriages and trouble conceiving. Then I started to feel like it was just going to be taken away from me at some point so didn’t want to get too connected as a form of punishment from a previous abortion a long time ago. We were moving too so thought it was just added stress and processing one thing at a time.

My husband and I found out we were having a girl and that helped with the connection a bit and feeling a bit more involved. He’s been very excited the whole time which has almost made me feel worse. He’ll call her by the name we’ve chosen and chat to my tummy and is always very understanding and patient when I offload.

I’ve always heard the last trimester drags - you never know if it’s 6 hours or 6 weeks away. I’ve found it’s like an added level of mental torture to when I’ve already felt quite flat and low the whole time.

I know I should feel very grateful and lucky that I’ve only even just started feeling aches and pains in the last couple of weeks, as people have them the whole time. I have ASD, so I don’t know if this is just normal for women with autism to feel like this until baby is here. I haven’t been able to find much on the mental aspect of it - only the sensory elements so if anyone is similar and can tell me what it feels like once baby is here that would be helpful.

I’m just very worried now that I’m not going to love my baby and that this pregnancy flatness is going to turn into bad post natal depression.

I’m sure people have felt the same, but if you have any advice or reassurance of how it changes please let me know. No one around me feels the same as me so it’s felt very lonely.

I am 8 months with my second. I have had an easy pregnancy as was my last, no sickness, etc .
I never connected with either babies when they were in the belly.
I also didn't feel the rush of love that people talked about when I had my DS . If I am honest, I was just glad it was over with.
But that love and connection did come it was a slow build, and he is my absolute world now.

So what I am saying is don't worry, you will love your child. Not everyone enjoys pregnancy even if you have an easy one and are carrying a very much wanted child.

From what I've read, don't expect a sudden connection when baby is here.

Can you feel baby moving?
And have you had mental health issues previously?

Speak to your midwife about mental health - I was with the mental health team at the beginning and they're really good.

And as someone who is now 41 weeks, don't put much stake in due date!! If it happens earlier, great but just be prepared to be pregnant for longer!

People around you don’t feel the same? That’s because not everyone is as brave as you admitting it! Loads of women feel like this.

Don’t expect that instant bonding and live you see on instagram-often not the case. But you will love your baby, and the fact you are worried means you will be a good mum.

Just think, it will all be over in a few short months and you never have to do it again!

Oh I think most people hate pregnancy OP.

There’s so many things to dislike about it - even if everything is going swimmingly!

I ended up going to 42+5 and I was borderline hysterical by the end.

I was just relieved it was finally over when the baby was born!

I felt much the same as you, it was really hard going mentally but physically, not too bad really.

You will love your child, whether that’s instant or if it takes time (I was the latter), you will reach a point where you can’t imagine your life without them. I found the first four months very challenging, but as she grows and starts to give you more back, you will love her more and more.

im not particularly maternal either, but the love I have for my daughter is immense and unlike any other feeling, she means the world to me, everything she does, even the mundane, is amazing to me and it’s incredible seeing the little person you created developing their own little personality and quirks.

I hope all goes well over the next few weeks, I know it feels never ending (I went a few days overdue), but it will all change so quickly!

So much is built up and we spend so much time being told how we will probably feel when we're pregnant or having the baby or holding them first. It's a scary time, and life changes dramatically.

I didn't get the birth I thought I'd have, and the golden hour for us was a screaming angry baby who wouldn't stop crying for 3 hours and couldn't breastfeed. It wasn't at all what I thought and it contributed to my hormonal blues after having him for sure! I'm a steady person and though my mates all warned me I thought I'd not get any weepies, but hormones are in control at that stage and there's no holding them back, just gotto ride that wave and know you'll come out the other side. Not everyone gets them the same way.

Have you got any mates who've had kids and can commiserate while celebrating? My honest friends were a life saver, I felt I could just vent and they knew how hard it was so I got an outlet and never felt guilty. The love changes and grows with time, and time makes all the difference. First few months are hard, you love them of course but also keeping them alive while you're sleep deprived, and again not what I imagined when I pictured cradling a snoozing baby as mine was an unhappy refluxy boy til we got him on the right formula. He's one now and such a funny, eccentric little man who surprises us and its such an amazing thing to see him grow, and we're amazed at ourselves and how we have adapted and grown with him into his mum and dad.

It's great that you're introspective enough to consider how you'll feel when your little girl is here, and use that to perhaps have help with things if they are tougher than expected. All the best for your last stage of pregnancy :)

I didn’t enjoy any of my pregnancies (I had 3) and when my 3rd child was a few days old one of the other school mums asked me “are you in love yet?” My dh thought it was the weirdest question but I knew exactly what she meant and I thought it utterly lovely of her to ask.

we should normalise taking a few days (or even weeks) to love our new baby. It doesn’t always happen the instant they’re in your arms.

what I’m trying to say is that your feelings are all perfectly normal.

A lot more is spoken about in terms of post natal maternal mental health, but obviously (or not?) there is pre natal / peri natal anxiety and or depression too. Many many women feel like you and for some of those it may go further than a manageable level, it may cross into benefitting from professional support for the well-being of you and your baby when she arrives. Don't struggle in silence in a nutshell! Share with a midwife and see what she suggests. All the best to you.

I hate the expectation (unfortunately a lot from social media) that everyone enjoys pregnancy. Most people I know haven’t enjoyed it; including me! Especially being pregnant after a miscarriage which is my situation and that of a lot of my friends. I am tolerating it for the end goal. Please speak to your midwife if you’re worried .

OP, I just wanted to pop in and say that I could have written your post. I’m only 21 weeks but I’ve felt flat throughout and I’m also worried about how I will connect with our baby. You’re not alone!

I hated pregnancy. I ended up having an emergency c section and didn't really want baby put on me after he was delivered. For about 8 weeks I'd say I was "going through the motions" - he was cute, but if someone had come and said "cheers for looking after him, we'll have him back now" I'd have been fine with it. Not something you admit out loud to many people! After thay the bond really built and now I love him to pieces. Being back at work and being a bit more myself helps too - he's 10months now.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself, but if you feel things aren't right please do speak out and ask for some help. No midwife etc will judge you for it, it's all perfectly normal.