Close Friend lost baby while I'm pregnant

[hol92]

One of my close friends so sadly had there baby born sleeping last week, I am currently 8 months pregnant and feel so devastated for them, I'm so worried about going about things the wrong way and hurting them

I just wondered if anyone who has been through this could give me tips on the best way to approach this, I was thinking of sending flowers next week just to let them know they are in our thoughts, my baby shower I am asking that nothing be put on socials, how is best to go about telling them when I give birth? As I would obviously want to let them know as they are our close friends but at the same time I can't imagine how much they are hurting right now and would hate to think I'm making them feel even worse, it's such a horrible situation, they are two of the nicest people you could meet - life if so unfair somtimes ❤️

Thank you so much

I’m not sure I’d send flowers tbh. They really are awful to receive after a death.
I’d maybe write a heartfelt card and leave the ball in her court, maybe an additional text the following week to say they are in your thoughts and you’re there if she needs to talk.
Be prepared that she may feel the need to avoid you and your new baby.
I suffered a miscarriage after ivf when a sibling was also expecting a baby and that was incredibly difficult, I can’t begin imagine how much more difficult it would be to have a still birth.
You sound like a lovely friend

Oh that’s terrible. This is really difficult. I was totally thrown by a similar thing happening just before my DC1 was born. Everything was magnified and heightened. I picked up the phone and spoke with my cousin: we (mostly he) talked and talked and I listened. We were present for each other. His loss was so much more significant than the imminent birth of my child. The two things weren’t related, and neither of us equated them. His joy at the birth of DC1 was dimmed only by his inability to be happy about anything much at such a difficult time for him. But he was happy for me. And I was acutely aware that my baby was just another baby, but his loss was a one-and-only loss. So I think I informed him, or my mom did - I can’t remember now. Got a nice but short reply back and that was it. I didn’t expect/want/need more tbh. My DC1’s birthday is always tinged with remembrances of people lost. Time helps. But it was awful for a few years.

I lost a baby recently and my friend is also pregnant and my other friend just gave birth. It’s been tough.
For me, they text me to let me know they were thinking about me but left the ball in my court. When she gave birth she text me to tell me and said she would love me to meet her when I was ready and that there was no pressure. I actually thought it would be incredibly hard but holding that tiny baby helped me. I actually found it harder when I found out she was pregnant because we’d also been struggling with infertility! My point is everyone is different so there is no right or wrong way. As long as she knows your care and the power and decisions are with her.
One thing I will say is don’t ignore that it hasn’t happened. We went to a family party at the weekend and no one even alluded to the fact we’d just gone through something incredibly traumatic. I wanted to talk about it. I was desperate for someone to ask me how I was but I think everyone is so scared of upsetting me that they’re just not bringing it up which I get but is inadvertently upsetting me even more!

Agree flowers aren’t always good as can just be something else to deal with!

A heartfelt card and leaving the ball in their court is a good suggestion. Let her know you are here for her when she is ready.

One of my friends lost a baby shortly before I had mine, and truthfully it was difficult for the first few months and they avoided me / we avoided the topic. Eventually they were ready to see me / us and it has been fine since then.

You sound like a lovely friend, my best advice would be to go at their pace, don't be offended if they choose to withdraw for a bit, keep the door open and let them come through it when they are ready, send any announcements by text so they can take a moment to craft their response if they respond at all.

Most importantly though, don't avoid the subject, if they choose to talk to you ask them how they are doing, listen to them, use their babies name and allow them to set whatever boundaries they need. When we lost our eldest daughter a good chunk of people acted like it just didn't happen and that really hurt. You won't be 'reminding' them, trust me they haven't and will never forget, if you don't know what to say, say just that, chances are that they don't know what to say either.

I quite liked the flowers tbh. They felt validating. I think keeping your distance might be a good idea, because yes she's going to think of what's in your tummy and also might avoid saying things to upset you while being devastated in the inside.

I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks, my best friend was 7 or 8 months pregnant at the time. She sent some food round to me when it just happened and invited me out for lunch the next week and let me talk about it.

It was recently the year anniversary of my loss and she sent me a bunch of flowers which I thought was lovely and thoughtful. Nobody else remembered him.

I lost my son last year. I didn't find flowers offensive at all. It was nice to have a little pocket of something beautiful to look at.

I agree with pp. ask her how she is, let her talk about her baby. I find/found most people ignore the fact that I'd had such a devastating loss and have pretended it didn't happen. Including my sister. I found that so hurtful. I want to talk about my little boy. Just to hear I'm sorry for your loss was so much better than ignoring the loss.

My friend told me she was expecting a baby shortly after our loss. I was genuinely happy for her. I didn't want to hear too much about the pregnancy, but she handled it so sensitively with me, I'll forever appreciate that.

A friend I met at yoga had this happen when I was pregnant years ago. It was devastating.

We met for coffee with another friend who had also been pregnant after we'd had our babies and all sat in the cafe crying whilst she told us about her still born baby girl and showed us photos. It was absolutely heart wrenching.

She got pregnant as soon as possible after that and it was so lovely to visit her again after she'd had her next baby.

Play it by ear and see how she feels op. Just listen to her. There's nothing positive to say in that situation, but being there is kind.

My friend asked to cuddle my baby when she'd not long lost hers and I was really surprised she wanted to. Your friend might not. She might not want to see you.... I guess we all respond differently.

Sending love.

I was the friend who held their friends baby after losing mine.

it surprised me too how much it helped. The pain in losing a baby hits at the strangest time. Going to visit your friends newborn? You’d expect it to hurt but nope, driving to Sainsbury’s on a random day? Sobbing in the car park when you arrive.

My baby son died about four weeks after my friend had her baby. My little boy had Patau Syndrome and she lost a niece to the same condition and she was incredible.
She gave me space which I really appreciated. She sent me a beautiful little angel keyring in the post and it was really lovely- just a tiny little thing but showed she was thinking of him. Her son is the most beautiful little boy and although it was difficult at the start, I love to see his pictures and see him grow and I loved holding him when he was a baby - theres something so deeply soothing about holding a little baby.
She's likely still quite numb and might want to talk, but might not want to. Let her lead but let her know you're here. I found I built up walls but I have a deep appreciation, love and respect for my friends who were brave enough to peek over those walls to check on me and support me.
When you talk to her about the baby, use their name. Always use their name. Ask to see pictures. As the months and years march on and people still talk about them, its really lovely to know they are remembered.
Honestly you sound like a great friend. Sending you all love.

@hol92 this is so sad
personally if they were a close friend and presumably invited to your baby shower- I would not have one. I would be too heartbroken.
I didn’t know my best friend had a miscarriage earlier this year and put on a brave face for my shower - and I feel awful about that now.
send a card, also aching arms charity are amazing. They will arrange for a bear to be sent to her. Validating her loss is important.
I like flowers but I didn’t have the energy to put them into vases after my losses

When my DD died at 2 days old, I had several heavily pregnant friends at her funeral.
Their birth announcements did highlight what I'd lost but I was so happy and relieved for them that their babies arrived safely - too many don't,
Let her lead the way, send her occasional messages to let her know you are thinking of her but please, not flowers. Cards/letters are nice to keep and be able to read when her mind is into it.
It's hard, but some friends just dropped round meals for the freezer, didn't visit as such.

Hi all thank you so much for your replies, I did end up giving her space with a few messages to let her know I'm here if she needs me and that we are thinking about them, I am seeing her soon and don't know how to approach things, shall I wait for her to see if she wants to talk about it when I see her? I don't want to dismiss it but also don't want to bring it up if she would prefer not too, thank you all again ❤️

My baby died in 2020. A friend had her baby about a month before and her sister lost a baby to the same condition he had.
She was amazing. She didn't treat me differently or act weird around me but gave me a safe, understanding place to talk and a few weeks after sent me a little gift in the post- a little angel keyring.

Talk about her baby. It's worse not to, like they didn't exist. Use the baby's name when you talk about them.

I think this partly depends on what context you are seeing her in. Are you seeing her one to one or in a group? Out in public or at home?

If it's one to one and she's a close friend, I think it would be a bit strange not to acknowledge it and express your care and concern. You can even say you don't know if she wants to talk and it's up to her, but just acknowledge it, and tell her that you want to listen if she does want to talk.

Of course if it's in a public place she might break down in tears etc so you need to be aware of that context (and a small practical tip - take some tissues with you).

If in a group, it might be a bit much, but I would still send a message beforehand acknowledging it, saying you are there if she wants to talk etc. but you won't bring it up unless she wants to.

It's a horrible situation and I am so sorry :(

So it's me and my husband and her and her husband, she suggested us going out for food, I guess like you say I'm worried that if I bring it up and it's in a public place it's just unfair but to also not bring it up and wait for her too is also unfair, I so wish we were seeing each other before hand just me and her, it really is so sad, I still feel so much for them and just want to make it as easy for them as possible xx

If she suggested this, she feels comfortable doing it. It's important not to pity her. I always hated people showing me pity so much, like I've survived something no human should so I don't need you to treat me like a victim or like i can't cope - has always been my sort of thinking.

OP I was the person who lost the baby and my bump buddy was so supportive and just amazing. She messaged saying she knew it would be hard to see her and she would take everything at my pace and follow my lead. She did the same after the baby was born and arranged for me to meet the baby in their house rather than publicly in front of lots of people. I think you need to acknowledge it and then it means she can talk about it as much or as little as they want. Weirdly I found pregnant strangers/babies harder than her eventually, probably because I could talk to her about how I was feeling.

I would be honest - and as quickly as you feel able to "I don't want to upset you but do want to know you can talk about 'baby's name' if you want to. And of course very happy to just chat shit instead if that's what you need'