Sex after birth

sthau · 2024-07-28T19:46:06+00:00

Sorry if TMI I had an emergency C-Section beginning of April - haven't had any intercourse since (now end of July) as I have been too frightened after my traumatic birth. Today was the first time we tried and it was so painful it's unbelievable - we used lube as well and had to stop because of how much it hurt is this normal or what can I do about it?

Flopsy145 · 28/07/2024 21:06

Are you breastfeeding? That made sex really painful for me.

Outliers · 28/07/2024 21:19

Paracetamol and baring through it. Once it opens up its easier the next time round

OMGsamesame · 28/07/2024 21:23

A traumatic birth would put anyone off sex for a good while. Have you had a debrief?

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 28/07/2024 21:30

Can you explain a bit more about how it was painful?
I can recommend a few things:
*doing with the kid out the house and taking a lot of time, gentle and lube. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do anything in particular for you or your partner. (Try and be curious and not worry about the outcome - easier said than done).
*talking to a pelvic health physio (can access online via pelvic pain network who also work with therapists).
*maybe talking to a councillor who specialises in trauma.

Be Gentle with yourself as you navigate this change.

newmumma32 · 28/07/2024 21:31

I completely sympathise - I had a forcep delivery and episiotomy and we didn't fully have sex until at least 4 months postpartum. I have to admit a couple of glasses of wine did wonders! When I went for my GP check up it stuck with me that she said that the vagina has muscle memory so subconsciously that doesn't help if it's uncomfortable and to take it slow until you're ready. Good luck

Northby · 28/07/2024 21:34

OP congratulations on your new baby and I’m so sorry you had a such a traumatic birth. It is completely understandable to feel how you do.

I think the best thing to do would be to book in with your postnatal physiotherapist (book asap as the wait can be quite long) as they are specialists in pelvic floor and obstetric/postnatal issues.

I don’t think mumsnet will be able to help you more than give you anecdotal experience which you may - or may not - find helpful. I personally would find grinning and bearing it quite traumatic. It took a while for my body to let go of the trauma of my birth and enjoy positive feelings. I don’t think inflicting more pain on myself would have made that process speed up.

Definitely do not feel pressured - some women find intimacy after birth straightforward and some find it more complex. I found it more complex. We waited several months after my difficult birth.

Feeling anxious can make it painful as your muscles are tense. You could be intimate in other ways to boost connection and ease tension, until you feel a bit more comfortable with penetration.

I think the thing to remember is that it isn’t a race, you won’t always feel like this, and you made a whole human inside your abdomen. That’s a really big deal and you should feel really proud of your body and yourself. It’s ok to take a minute. You’ll be ok.

autienotnaughty · 28/07/2024 21:36

I remember a burning sensation the first time but not pain as such .

If you haven't had trauma to your vagina is it more the fear, or lack of desire?
Or was it hurting your scar/abdomen?

Original poster

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:13

Flopsy145 · 28/07/2024 21:06

Are you breastfeeding? That made sex really painful for me.

No I breastfeed for 2-3 weeks & stopped haven't done since.

OP posts:

Original poster

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:13

Outliers · 28/07/2024 21:19

Paracetamol and baring through it. Once it opens up its easier the next time round

The pain is too much to bare through! X

OP posts:

Original poster

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:14

OMGsamesame · 28/07/2024 21:23

A traumatic birth would put anyone off sex for a good while. Have you had a debrief?

I haven't no i still dont really know why anything happened! X

OP posts:

Original poster

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:15

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 28/07/2024 21:30

Can you explain a bit more about how it was painful?
I can recommend a few things:
*doing with the kid out the house and taking a lot of time, gentle and lube. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do anything in particular for you or your partner. (Try and be curious and not worry about the outcome - easier said than done).
*talking to a pelvic health physio (can access online via pelvic pain network who also work with therapists).
*maybe talking to a councillor who specialises in trauma.

Be Gentle with yourself as you navigate this change.

The only way to explain was it felt like someone was stabbing me then it just felt like i had carpet burn for hours after.

OP posts:

Original poster

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:16

newmumma32 · 28/07/2024 21:31

I completely sympathise - I had a forcep delivery and episiotomy and we didn't fully have sex until at least 4 months postpartum. I have to admit a couple of glasses of wine did wonders! When I went for my GP check up it stuck with me that she said that the vagina has muscle memory so subconsciously that doesn't help if it's uncomfortable and to take it slow until you're ready. Good luck

Even though I had a C-Section would this still be the case? X

OP posts:

Original poster

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:18

Northby · 28/07/2024 21:34

OP congratulations on your new baby and I’m so sorry you had a such a traumatic birth. It is completely understandable to feel how you do.

I think the best thing to do would be to book in with your postnatal physiotherapist (book asap as the wait can be quite long) as they are specialists in pelvic floor and obstetric/postnatal issues.

I don’t think mumsnet will be able to help you more than give you anecdotal experience which you may - or may not - find helpful. I personally would find grinning and bearing it quite traumatic. It took a while for my body to let go of the trauma of my birth and enjoy positive feelings. I don’t think inflicting more pain on myself would have made that process speed up.

Definitely do not feel pressured - some women find intimacy after birth straightforward and some find it more complex. I found it more complex. We waited several months after my difficult birth.

Feeling anxious can make it painful as your muscles are tense. You could be intimate in other ways to boost connection and ease tension, until you feel a bit more comfortable with penetration.

I think the thing to remember is that it isn’t a race, you won’t always feel like this, and you made a whole human inside your abdomen. That’s a really big deal and you should feel really proud of your body and yourself. It’s ok to take a minute. You’ll be ok.

Thank you so much!

Im sorry to hear about your struggles too! Sometimes I just dont know to deal with it & i know how frustrating it can be for me & my partner too! He completely understands but I dont want to put him through the waiting etc.. because im too nervous & cant do anything x

OP posts:

Original poster

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:19

autienotnaughty · 28/07/2024 21:36

I remember a burning sensation the first time but not pain as such .

If you haven't had trauma to your vagina is it more the fear, or lack of desire?
Or was it hurting your scar/abdomen?

The pain was actually in my vagina ! It was felt like carpet burn! X

OP posts:

Fifteentreefrogs · 28/07/2024 23:23

Where did you feel that? On your c section scar or in your vagina?
Did you sustain any injuries to your vagina? Even if you didn't give birth vaginally there has still been the pressure and the weight of the baby which could have caused swelling, or prolapse or something so it's worth having a word with your gp.. get someone to have a look and check everything is OK down there
It possible you could have an infection maybe? If the pain is in your vagina, as stabbing and the carpet burn pain sound like infection pain.

I gave birth vaginally 3 times and sex after each one was sore due to the tearing or injuries to my vagina.. so just painful at certain angles if it were rubbing against the wound. Was like that for around 6 months for the first and a couple of months for the second 2.
It wasn't painful like you describe.. which makes me think you should get checked out by a doctor and tested for infection

Outliers · 28/07/2024 23:48

sthau · 28/07/2024 23:13

The pain is too much to bare through! X

Show quote history

It also helped me to go very very very slow. For the first time

Bettedaviseyes111 · 29/07/2024 01:30

It’s going to be sore… I had a third degree tear after my first birth and it took a while to be able to have sex without discomfort. We tried early as I read the longer after the harder it gets.
There are some perineal massage techniques you can use that will soften things, other than that just keep trying, it will pass eventually. But maybe ask your health visitor if you are struggling.

autienotnaughty · 29/07/2024 05:17

Maybe for now focus on the fore play and rebuilding intimacy. And work up to the sex?

It makes sense your brain needs to associate touching in that area with pleasure not fear. Just take it slow.

showersandflowers · 29/07/2024 05:50

@sthau in our area we have something called Birth Afterthoughts where a senior midwife will go through your medical file with you and explain why each decision was made based on your medical condition. I found it so healing to know why things happened. It was when I really turned a corner in terms of beginning to have a positive outlook on my dds birth. Have a look into it. Where I am it is only available for 10 months after birth so worth checking.

OMGsamesame · 29/07/2024 06:59

Firstly please take sex off the tsbel for a bit until you feel more confident about it. I'm aghast at some posters telling you to "go slow" as if that's going to be enough when you've said you're scared of having sex again.

If your partner is decent then he will understand. He won't want you to "grin and bear it" or take painkillers in order to be able to endure sex with him.

I'm afraid I don't know how you go about requesting a review but I know they are available as fellow recent mum friends have had them. Can you ask your GP or health visitor or even contact your midwife to ask? did you have your 6 week check with your GP?

Flopsy145 · 29/07/2024 07:21

The pain sounds quite extreme op, I would definitely try and see a postnatal practitioner to give you a once over. Had you been in labour before your c section?

Practicallyexhaustdd · 28/12/2024 23:34

I know I'm late to the party but I'm going through this exact thing right now, I'm almost 3 months pp and have all the same pains you did! Can I ask if it's resolved now and if so how did you go about it? I'm tried going slow and loads of foreplay and lube but none of it is working at all

Babyenroute · 29/12/2024 00:00

I had a c section and honestly worried sex would never feel the same again! It took over a year for it not to be uncomfortable and did happen to coincide with me stopping breastfeeding

Sadtosaythis · 29/12/2024 00:08

Outliers · 28/07/2024 21:19

Paracetamol and baring through it. Once it opens up its easier the next time round

@Outliers Absolutely not. OP does not have to bare through it. If it is painful and if she doesn’t feel well after trying then she will be more traumatised. Please ignore OP. I have had three very different births and had varying degrees of pain after. Third was a section and I had some pain then too. You do not have to rush into doing it. Go and seek some gynaelogical advice and support. Take your time and do not feel pressure to do anything that hurts you. Sending a big hug and support x