Announcing a pregnancy when everyone knows you didn’t want another baby

[honeytoasttea]

By announcement, I literally mean telling family and close friends. Not a social media post.

I was firmly one and done due to mental health reasons. I was unwell my first pregnancy with a lot of pregnancy onset issues. I was an under a psychiatrist for most of my pregnancy and it was generally a miserable time. It didn’t torpedo any plans of a big family as me and DH always knew that we were very lucky to have one. And that one would mean more resources and 1:1 time.

This caused a lot of upset in my family. My mother in law (and FIL tbh) has been especially vocal about our ‘selfishness’. She seems at as me denying my husband of an son (which he has never expressed any interest in having) and has bothered me constantly by asking when I am going to have another baby. It’s caused so many arguments and periods of non contact.

Equally, I had a termination about a year ago and my own mum who was previously quite supportive made me feel really shit even though I knew it was the right choice for me. Kept on asking me for months if I regretted it and if I was going to try again.

It’s just been something everyone has had their opinion on. My husband had his vasectomy a week ago and we thought that would put this all to rest.

Anyway. Despite having long acting contraception in place, I am pregnant. And quite pregnant. Too late for a medical abortion.

There have been many tears and long discussions and we’ve decided to keep the baby. My husband sees it as a curveball, fate and adventure. I just don’t feel like I can terminate at this stage.

I don’t want anything to go wrong with the pregnancy. I know it will all be ok. I am just so worried about being ill again and having less time for my daughter.

I haven’t told any family yet. I don’t know how I’m going to. My mother in law has been so difficult to me that I can’t help but feel like she’s won…which is a horrible way to feel about a new life.

i just don’t know how I’m going to tell them. Either side. I even feel silly telling my mum who I am usually so close with.

(i am having counselling by way and i have been referred to the mental health team.)

Tell them gently. Just say it wasn't planned but now you are pregnant you are quite pleased and determined all will be well. Then change the subject or leave, don't get into conversations about it.

Your mother in law is out of order but she doesn't understand how pregnancy and having a baby can affect some women psychologically. You've actually done very well, you really have.

As for your mother, I bet you wish you hadn't told her about the termination. Sometimes it's best not to tell your mother things. Whatever, she should not be questioning you about it afterwards. Mothers should just give support. I hate overuse of the word 'should' but it seems appropriate here.

There is no reason to suppose the current pregnancy and birth will take such a toll of you, everything could be much easier this time around.

However, plan to get some help for the early days, even a few hours a day; having someone to do things for you at home, quietly, and give you support, will be a great bonus when your baby arrives. Right now, pamper yourself a bit, eat healthily, put feet up when you can, surround yourself with positive influences.

It doesn't matter whether the baby is a girl or a boy, it will be yours and loved.

I wish you all the very best.

I feel for you, this sounds so difficult. I really hope this pregnancy is much easier on you than the first one - hopefully you will at least have a lot more support and knowledge to help get you through. I'm sure your daughter will appreciate a playmate as much as she would have liked the 1:1 time - I have a couple of friends who are only children and both of them say they would have liked a sibling, so don't feel guilty for her.

In terms of announcing it, I would send a message along the lines of 'it has been a long journey to get to this point after all the issues in our last pregnancy, but we finally feel ready to give X a sibling' - I personally wouldn't want them to know it was unplanned after their past attitude and this would shift focus a bit onto your daughter. I'm a bit emotionally cagey though and appreciate you might just want to be honest about the situation so you don't feel like you have to hide anything, in which case I'd try to have a conversation with your husband but not your daughter around where you can both support each other and not worry about what your daughter hears.

You could be kind of honest but with a positive spin maybe. Something like:

We'd only planned to have one, but mother nature made it very clear we should have a second and we are going to think of it as a blessing.

Cheesy but makes it clear that it's a curve ball, but one your are going to try and make the most of.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

Tell them however works for you. After that will be the issue. And I think how you handle future discussions is the key. Let your MIL and mum know that for your own peace of mind you won't be entertaining any of the former discussions <big smile> and you'll just leave if they come up. Then if your mum mentions the abortion, or your MIL mentions your 'selfishness', get up, say 'bye' and walk out. No discussion, no argument, just your absence. If they ask why, very calmly ad nicely, "you brought up X, I'm no talking about it, so I'm off, see you soon" <big smile> <leave>

I don't see why you would ever speak to your mother-in-law again, honestly, under any circumstances. I sure as fuck wouldn't, and I see it as a necessity to cut her out to safeguard your mental health.

As for everyone else, do you live near them? Will you see them before the baby is born?

This, I think. Prioritise your own peace of mind, and tell them exactly what you will and won't put up with from them, and enforce that if it's infringed. And, in future, don't let people who are not involved in your own private decisions, air their nonsense. I have one child by choice and had to get very good at stopping people spouting off very firmly.

Best wishes for the future. Be kind to yourself, and work hard in counselling to explore your feelings, fears and wishes around this unwanted pregnancy as you go ahead.

In terms of announcing it, I would send a message along the lines of 'it has been a long journey to get to this point after all the issues in our last pregnancy, but we finally feel ready to give X a sibling' - I personally wouldn't want them to know it was unplanned after their past attitude and this would shift focus a bit onto your daughter.

I agree. I absolutely would not be saying this wasn't planned.

There is no way I would have a relationship with my MIL after what she has done. Do you live close? I'd move away if so. I wouldn't want her involved with my dc. Your husband can have his own separate relationship with his parents.

I agree, Don't say it was unplanned. Just send a message as above and if anybody starts either their drama again just shut them down.

I also support this approach BUT I'd probably get DH to do it and tell them not to hassle you about it.

So sorry that this has happened to you OP and for everything you have gone through. Be kind to yourself. It’s good you are getting MH support. As for the family - ignore. Asking a woman who has been through an abortion if she is going to ‘try again’. Who does that?

I agree. I wouldn't be opening it up for any discussion at all.

You both need to shut it down if it starts and make it clear you're happy with the decision made and that's it.
Anything else, end the call/walk away/ignore the message. Your husband needs to do this too.

Just to add to the above - please don't feel like there is some rush to tell them. Give yourself and your partner time to get used to the idea first. They don't need to know today, tomorrow, or even next week. I didn't tell any family I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks last time. Perfectly acceptable to wait until you're ready to let them know.

Thank you all I have been in tears all afternoon when I should have been working

i just don’t know how I’m going to tell them.

my ‘no more’ hasn’t been a weak ‘no more’. It’s been very, very forceful. I said it was mental health reasons but as she’s got a bit older it’s been great to have more couple time and luxuries.

I am already bitterly upset that she won’t be able to go to the lovely girls school nearby (we don’t have good secondary schools in our area.) as I won’t be able to afford private for two AND saving for university + holidays and experiences. We earn good money to even consider it for 1, but life is expensive and something has to give.

i know all of these things aren’t essential but I really struggled as a teen and young person and i just really wanted my daughter to have a charmed life. now my resources are divided. I am really struggling with that.

i’m an only child too so I don’t get the sibling angst and never saw it as essential- which added more fuel to the fire as MIL was essentially saying I was emotionally stunted and weird when ranting

I will love this baby of course but I am just struggling with the paradigm shift that’s occurred and I’m trying to rewire a lot of my thoughts about having more than one.

I am having a private NIPT this weekend. I struggled with psychosis in my pregnancy related to my daughter’s health so I am hoping this will help me get ahead of some of the worries. My detachment is working in my favour this time around.

This sounds like such a stressful situation and I'm sorry your family has been putting so much pressure on. I think everybody saying to take your time about telling them is right. You don't owe them anything and you deserve to take the time to get to a place where you're comfortable with the pregnancy before anybody else starts weighing in about it. And I also agree that you need to prioritize yourself and just leave or end the conversation if people start in on unhelpful topics - easier said than done but you are absolutely in the right and they are in the wrong!!

About your last post - my sister's best friend was absolutely a one and done person, had really hated pregnancy (and had to go thru IVF to get there) and found the whole thing so stressful she had decided she definitely only wanted her one little boy, spent a lot of time reading up about only children to reassure herself it was a good choice, all of that. Was very happy the family was complete. This year she conceived naturally, completely unexpected, and had to really readjust her thinking which I think did take some time because she had spent so long with the exact opposite mindset! But she's now well into her third trimester and really excited about the new baby. I think it will come with time, it makes sense that it's a massive adjustment, and your daughter really will have other benefits from having a sibling even if she can't have some of the other things you wanted for her. Plus the most important thing is loving parents and you are clearly that. Just be kind to yourself 💕

No hurry to tell your Mum or MiL. Wait and see how the test goes. I was unwell through a lot of my first pregnancy but the second pregnancy was so much easier. You might find this too. I loved my firstborn so much and worried I might not love the new baby as much but I did. I can't help feeling your MH issues are made worse by your MiL. I'd be giving her a wide birth. Suggest your DH goes to visit her with your DD and you stay home to rest.

They all sound shit OP, particularly your PIL. They are controlling and overinvolved.

I know how horrible it is when you end up doing what a controlling person has been pushing for, because if feels like they have "won". But ultimately, if someone is pushing you towards choice A, and then you end up stuck at choice B because you can't "let them win", you're still being constrained by their behavoiur. Ultimately you need to not give a fuck what they think, and do what's best for you and DH.

Don't let them have any head space, and if you need to, reduce contact a bit. I would get DH, if he feels able, to send out the announcement, and to screen the responses so that they're not coming at you directly. Then have very clear boundaries with the relatives about any "I told you so" type behaviour. At the first comment, a calm "I'd rather not hear any opinions on this decision please". At the same person's second comment, "Like I said before, I don't want to discuss this, let's talk about something else". At the third strike, end the phone call or leave the gathering.

Tell them it wasn’t planned but you are happy about it. I don’t get all the subterfuge suggested above. It’s not necessary.

I think I would go with ‘We got where we are supposed to be in the end. And what a fuss you made along the way when there was really no need.’ Eyeroll and big smile.

But that’s me. I’ll quite happily swing low if it annoys my nemesis.

I think my main issue is that in response I have made a
lot of fuss

i very much nailed my colours to the mast and now have to go back on myself, both internally and externally

i have friends from the same cohort who I know who have been TTC #2 since their child was 1 to no avail. Dreading telling them.

i will love this baby and they will have a lovely home but I am really not happy with the logistics of having two children quite close in age and I am really struggling with

I was at the park today and saw lots of 2 year-ish age gaps in action. I know it’s the most popular age gap and people actively try for it for it but I just personally never saw the appeal in having two very needy things at the same time. I am already struggling with a nearly 3 year old who goes down in her bed beautifully but just doesn’t have very long sleep cycles and needs resettling often.

i do think I might feel slightly differently if my DD was 8 or something. I loved having a newborn and the baby stage so I wouldn’t feel like I was going back if that makes sense. And schooling and finances would be much less of an issue with a big gap

it’s all by the by now though. I know I have options and I don’t need to do this but as I have said, I just need to reframe everything and it will be fine. I can’t have a termination at 16 weeks (by the time everything is booked in’. I don’t think I’d be able to get over that.

my head is a mess!

A pair close together when older can be wonderful playmates.

I think the fact you had such an awful pregnancy kind of "helps" with explaining it to friends, in a way. It's a completely understandable response, and it's not a negative feeling about the child, its a health decision. You are someone who understandably chose not to take a risk, focused on the positives in that decision, and now things have weighed up slightly differently. Both choices completely reasonable.

Plus of course, no-one is entitled to any details unless you want to share.

Also, secondary school is a long way away. You might be in higher paid jobs by then, or have moved area, or the bad state schools have been turned around with new leadership.

I get that it's a blow though, when you had a lovely plan 💐