Suffering from HG - Husband struggling to pick up the slack. Any advice please?

[Stephanieava]

I am almost 18 weeks pregnant & suffering from HG, have been since about 6 weeks. Currently on Ondansetron which allows me about an hour to eat during the day, tried literally every other medication to no avail

Anyway, my marriage is all but falling apart. We have a 2 year old & basically everything has fallen to my Husband who also works a full time
job

He has managed to get ‘unofficial’ flexi time 2 days a week & then my parents have our DC the other 3 days. He has the responsibility of his full time job, our 2yo, our dogs & the housework. He is doing amazing

Though he told me tonight he is on the verge of a breakdown & needs help. I feel extremely bad but I honestly don’t know what to say to it. When I say I am trying my best, he just says I am turning it round onto myself, which I suppose I am but I don’t truly know how else to respond

I’ve tried apologising and saying this is temporary, as soon as I’m remotely better I will take over what I can. I’m not choosing to not spend time with our DC or our dogs, I’m physically unable most of the time. Then the issues always get brought back up. I find housework with bending over of any kind triggers my sickness & reflux, he finds this frustrating that he’s having to do all the housework. I’ll admit, our bedroom is a bomb site at the moment as I crawl into bed & throw my clothes down my side & they have piled up

I am nauseous 24/7, can barely eat, have throbbing headaches & stomach pain all day. Miserable doesn’t cut it

I mean I don’t know what this post is about really, I think both of our mental health is just shot

But any advice on how I can help / appease my husband? What can I say?

Thank you

I had extremely bad HG in my pregnancy.

I'd suggest that you treat this as a crisis period in your lives and take measures to make sure you can get through it.

What help can you get from outside your household? Your parents are already doing some childcare. Would DH's parents help at all?

Get a cleaner. I'm going to guess it's money you don't really have but if it gets you through crisis then it may be worth it. It will help your DH feel less overwhelmed also.

What other resources can you get? Aunties,uncles, friends with other 2 year olds? Would people maybe sign up for a meal rota? If you belong to a church they may help.

This happened to me, with no family support (and no pets).
I was admitted to hospital with dehydration and ketones in my urine after I couldn't even keep down water.
To be brutal, don't help or appease this man.
If you were hospitalised tonight, he would have to find a way to manage.
He seems (from your post) to be having a "breakdown" because he has to engage with his small child some of the time, walk a dog and do a bit of housework.
One day you will wake up, and take a few moments to realise that you don't feel/are not being sick anymore.
You'll have time to think about how you want to live your life then.
Please tell your parents how he is treating you.

Do you have any childcare apart from your parents? If not, that should be his first priority to get in place - it should make everything else manageable.

Oh this is bad, so bad, he’s allowed to find it stressful, and difficult. Jesus. What an awful post.

Im sorry but your husband is being a big drama Queen. Lots of mums work full time and have a two year old and they don’t get a medal. he just needs to get on with it, like women do.

Hes lucky hes got so much family support.

Stop apologising for being VERY unwell while growing his baby. I hope you feel better soon, it’s a horrible condition.

Mine only stopped in the delivery room. The only advice I can give is Vicks rubbed under your nose. It can help drown out other smells which set you off. And tiny ice chips melting in your mouth all day. An actual gulp of water would make me be sick.

As pp said, pay for as much help as you can. Cleaners, meal prep services, groceries delivered.

You shouldn't apologise to him, you have nothing to apologise for. I have severe HG still at 30+3...so I know the struggles. Its a very difficult period for the both of you - can you get help from anyone else? Can you afford a cleaner? Even a fortnightly clean for 2 hours would help tons.
I'm still incapable of really doing anything, or looking after our 4 year old son...so some days I've arranged my mum to take our 4 year old for the day and told him to contact his friends, go out for food, go to the pub etc and enjoy his day. Its given him the recharge he's needed. Our family dynamic went from me being the glue to our family and having everything under control, I'd always do all the cooking, cleaning, bedtime routine etc (by choice) to being completely incapable and him having to finish a 11 hour day at work, come home and cook, clean, look after DS, do bedtime etc. It's been a huge shift in responsibility and I've been in hospital 12 times so far and he's even had to finish work early some days to be home to pick up DS from school.

Its so difficult, but you will both get through this. Just try to get some more help off people to lighten the load, that's all you can really do!

Do you have any friends near by who could come round at the weekend and help, so he has a break? It sounds relentless for both of you, and of course it isn’t your fault but that doesn’t mean he can’t find it hard. It’s good he’s been open with you! Presumably nursery isn’t an option?

I would gladly put a load of washing on, run round with a hoover and take the toddler to the park with the dogs if a friend was in your situation.

What is he struggling with? He has to prepare meals, clean up afterwards and keep the place tidy. He has your two year old twice a week and has to walk the dog.

I can only suggest throwing money at the situation: cleaner, childminder, dog walker.

Pull in all help, friends, dog walkers, nursery, a cleaner. Hg is utter hell and right now your family needs a village to help you get through. It's temporary, you'll get to the other side and play with your toddler properly again and meet your lovely baby but pregnant with hg and having a 2 year old is a really really good reason to pull in favours from friends and buy help wherever you can. Sending strength OP you're doing so well, you'll get through this time.

What exactly does he want you to do?

You're sick, you are out of action for the foreseeable, he needs to ask some of his family for help or give a dog walker, cleaner etc and not try to guilt his sick pregnant wife because he finds doing what most parents do harder than his normal routine, which must be piss easy due to you.

Please ask your GP for Xonvea. It’s now licensed for the treatment of hyperemesis in England. It’s been a game changer for women suffering. It’s given a lot of women their life back

Pregnancy sickness support have a helpline- they offer peer to peer support for partners. It might really help him to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation.

Outsource as much as you can. Consider a loan/ overdraft to get through the next few weeks.
Can you pay for any babysitters/regular childcare?
Can you get a cleaner?
Sounds awful but is anyone able to look after the dogs permanently for a few weeks, just to take that load off?

It's an unbelievably stressful time for everyone. HG is hell.

HG is so horrible I had it with dd1 and she is 20 now but I have vivid memories still. Massive sympathy to you x

Only you really know if your dh is being unfair or unreasonable or prone to feeling a bit hard done by if he feels you aren’t ‘pulling your weight’
Perhaps he is of the very unfair viewpoint that pregnancy is not an ‘illness’ - perhaps ils or friends or colleagues have been saying this to him?

Standards will need to slip in the house - literally focus on the basics such as laundry. Anyone that offers help accept it, don’t hesitate. I was hospitalised twice and a friend near the hospital cooked several dinners for dh. He worked all day, visited me all evening and collected the dinners on his way home. I have never forgotten her kindness and that of others who supported me.

If you are in any doubt the main priority for you is to rest, sleep, eat and drink whatever you can in whatever quantities. Save your energy to focus on yourself, the bump and your toddler.

I struggled from 6 weeks till about 17 weeks with this I have 3 children my husband was amazing he works fulls time so I had to do school run but as soon as he was home I wa sin bed he did everything and he looks so worn out the house was upside down he was trying his best but I said to him just do what needs doing so pot washing and looking after kids the rest will be there another day..
maybe say to your husband to try not do it all just do what needs doing it’s a horrible time and it won’t last forever. I felt so guilty for being in bed all time but I just couldn’t do it and my husband understood. I’m so sorry your not well and hope it passes soon for you xx

He needs help he needs to buy in help
Housework can be paid for
Dog walkers you can contract
Babysitting you can hire
He needs to get organised and organise it

What does full time hours look like?
He’s allowed to be feeling a bit tired, stressed and fed up right now but I also feel that it sounds like he’s being a bit dramatic.
He’s had 12 weeks where he’s had to step up at home? This could go on for the next few months so he needs to get himself sorted.
Many, many people work full time, have their kids 100% of the time and run a household. All of the time. For years. On their own.
The housework is the obvious place to cut back, get a cleaner if you can.
Buy in easy meal making stuff.
He really shouldn’t be making you feel guilty for being ill.

This is temporary. It will end. You will feel better (even if it lasts 9 months which hopefully it won't). There is nothing more awful than feeling sick all the time and being so drained from it all. He doesn't need to do everything, just the necessities. Your bedroom not being tidy is not important right now.
He's "allowed" to feel whatever he wants but only one person is growing a baby in this situation.

Hi, im on my second HG pregnancy and have a 2.5 year old so i understand how absolutely awful this condition is and im sorry you are going through this!. It has been so much worse during my 2nd pregnacy, and with my toddler I havent been able to go in and out of hospital as and when i needed. I felt like my DH blamed me when i couldnt do anything and I felt ao guilty but could do absolutely nothing about it.

I started steroids at week 16 after something like my 8th hospital admission. They gave me my life back. I'm still sick and nauseous daily but i can function.

You say youve tried lots of meds- have you tried Xonvea? It absolutely saved me during my first pregnancy (taken along with metaclopromide, ondansatron and promethezine). Unfortunately, it didnt work as well this time around, but it still makes a huge difference. Can you push for that? Really, during my first pregnancy i went from constant hospital admissions to starting xonvea and being able to finally keep enough food and drink down to keep me out of hospital until the end of my pregnancy (i was still sick until the day i gave birth).

I know it seems like it will never end, im 32 weeks now and never thought i could make it here. This is temporary and you will feel ok one day, and you're going through all of this sufferring for your family. Just as you have to deal with your part, he needs to deal with his. It isn't easy and i have sympathy for him, but he needs to find ways to get through this just as you are.

I'm 12 weeks with HG and had it in my last pregnancy - my husband is trying but also finding it hard - he has not complained once.

I have though...because I'm the one that works FT and looks after the house. He's not working and the house is a bombsite (kids are in childcare/school)

It's really hard when your dynamics change. I'm mostly bed bound and it's awful. Lasted until 20weeks with my second so 8 to go 🤐

At the end of the day you’re a partnership and at some points one needs to help the other more. I don’t have HG but the reflux I am having is awful. It’s affecting energy as it’s either making it hard to sleep or it’s because I can’t physically eat enough to get the energy. My DH works full time with a long commute and he is picking up what I can’t do. The likelihood is once house is sorted for baby we will pay a cleaner to come in and do a big deep clean as I’m just exhausted and he won’t have the time but he understands that I’m not being lazy by choice. I do what I can when I can but he has to do more than ‘normal’ at the moment and he’s ok with that.

Please ask your GP for Xonvea, or see if you can afford it privately. It’s life changing for so many women.

The comments about your husband are appalling - HG is just awful for everyone in the household (in different ways).

Have you got anyone you could ask for help from? Could you have meals delivered? Gousto, to help take away planning and mental load? A cleaner? A paid for childcare option?

Have you joined the HG support thread on mumsnet? It saved my life. Also, have you or your husband spoken to anyone at Pregnancy Sickness Support? They were so helpful when I had HG, helping me deal with GPs etc

Some of these comments are nuts! ‘What does he have to complain about he’s doing a bit of tidying’ 🙄
It’s completely reasonable for someone to be overwhelmed by working a full time job, while seemingly looking after a toddler during the day for 2 days on top, and almost if not all of the childcare and housework around that.

OP something has to give. Firstly you need to contact the GP and look into changing your medication, there are other options if this isn’t working. They won’t all work for everyone but it’s worth pursuing another route because this can’t go on right up until you give birth surely.
If you can’t look after the toddler you both need to look into a childminder. Wfh doesn’t mean childcare and if your DH is struggling to keep on top of his job on top of everything else at some point it’s going to be too much.

Many, many people work full time, have their kids 100% of the time

No, it’s really not that common to work full time while looking after a toddler at the same time, in fact most workplaces would not be happy with the set up at all.

I had severe HG in my pregnancies, last time I was vomiting around 40 times a day and admitted to hospital regularly. I understand your husband is finding this difficult but he's not doing anything that a single parent wouldn't have to do for the most part, he can manage because he has to, there are no alternatives. This will not last, you will get through it but until then it is okay to let things slide, the washing, cleaning etc.. it CAN wait until there is time for the most part. HG is horrid but this is far worse for you than for your husband and he needs to realise this.