Very nervous about the pregnancy and birth process

[charlotteb22]

Hi all. I’m pregnant with my first, I’m not that far along but I’ve just been working myself up. Well, actually my family has been working me up. A lot of my relatives aren’t exactly being supportive about my pregnancy because of my age, lack of marriage etc. I’m not a teen or anything but I am 20 so I guess that could be seen as “just as bad”. (not that I would shame a teenager for being pregnant, just in terms of my family’s views). Anyway because they’re unhappy with my pregnancy, a lot of my relatives are trying to scare me into terminating I think. They keep going into vast detail about how painful childbirth is, and how I won’t be able to handle it. They’ve been saying some pretty awful things, I won’t go into detail but it gets gory and off putting. I really want my baby and I was delighted when I found out I was pregnant but now I just feel uneasy and sad.

I don’t have a very high pain tolerance and I’ve already been quite anxious about giving birth. On top of that, I’ve also been having a lot of injections and blood tests as part of my pregnancy and I am terrified to death of needles so the process is already not going amazingly, I know it’s what you sign up for when you get pregnant but it’s still nerve wracking to me. I’m just really nervous about the childbirth part and my family is not making it any easier on me.

Not that I want them to sugarcoat it, because I know it’s gonna be painful. But a part of me thinks they’re just doing it out of spite because they disagree with my choice. I just need someone who’s impartial to my situation to tell me what I can expect, being honest whilst also being nice about it, you know?

Sorry for the length of this post I’m getting away with myself, I’ll end it here. Thanks for reading my rant if you got this far, lol.

Sorry your family are being so awful, they should be supporting you at a time like this not trying to bring you down. I'm currently pregnant with baby number 4 and although first births can be a bit long and tiring (and a bit of a shock as we don't know what to expect until we go through it ourselves) it doesn't mean it's going to be the gore fest and negative experience people like to make out it's going to be, or else why would so many go on to have more babies? My suggestions would be:
• look into hypnobirthing (you don't have to follow all or any of it but it can help you get into a positive head space around birth)
• do you have someone supportive you can talk to who can be there for you though pregnancy and birth (a partner or good friend?)
• as your going to be a mum now, it's time to practice being assertive in uncomfortable situations, sit your family down tell them your happy to be having this baby and you will no longer listen to anything negative they have to say about it, if someone tries to tell you a horror story or tell you you won't be able to do this, bluntly and firmly tell them you don't want to hear it
• lastly, being pregnant, birth, the newborn stage and being a parent is one hell of a rollercoaster but trust me, your love for that baby and the love they will have for you will make it all worthwhile

Hi,
It's really hard to say what to expect because each birth is different. Your midwife could be a good person as she'll have seen a variety of births. I have heard that generally giving birth for the first time in your early 20s is a bit easier, often shorter labour. It's biologically what we've evolved to do.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I can only speak from my own experience. I've had 3 babies and 3 very straightforward pregnancies and births. All of the births were very quick (1st 5hrs, 2nd 3hrs 3rd 90mins). Not going to lie, the ring of fire stage was painful, but I got through it and dare I say even enjoyed my 3rd birth in a weird way. Try to enjoy being pregnant and look forward to the arrival of your baby. Try and keep as mobile as you can during labour and ask for pain relief as you need it. Trust in yourself and your body and have someone you feel safe with alongside you.

Sorry they’re not supporting you. If it’s making you worry you need to tell them to stop discussing their births etc. and please speak to your midwife about your worries. Are you able to attend antenatal classes? Might help to hear the facts and meet others expecting same time as you.

@charlotteb22 that sounds really tough and I'm sorry your family are being so unsupportive. You sound like a much stronger person than you realise just from the few paragraphs above.

You are already showing what a fantastic Mum you are - you've had lots of blood tests and injections when you are terrified of needles - that's no small thing and is really admirable. You are already putting baby and their wellbeing ahead of your own. 💗

Please don't feel bad about feeling daunted about the upcoming journey. I think most (if not all!!) first time (and quite a chunk of 2nd/3rd etc timers!) feel the same. There are a lot of unknowns in pregnancy and childbirth and it is a daunting time. One thing I will say is that the journey prepared you a lot for each stage you reach. The you who is third trimester pregnant will already be different to you now. And by the time you are close to birthing baby there is so much else in the mix - excitement to meet your little one, being fed-up of being pregnant (!), and feeling more prepared by what you've been through/read/learned etc that the prospect of childbirth is different by that stage. You just start feeling ready to do what you have to do.

I think a previous poster mentioned hypnobirthing and I second this! I did an online course with the positive birth company and it was hugely empowering. It affirms how your body is literally designed for this process. It helps you reframe the sensations and feelings of childbirth and what to expect at different stages of labour. Of course there can always be unknowns and things that throw your plans off - I think the best thing is to be open to going with the flow.

My own experience was hugely positive. I had a natural vaginal delivery at 41+1. I didn't need any pain relief (including gas&air). Contractions were powerful but I genuinely went into a kind of trance-like state. My hypnobirthing course definitely helped but I was also open to accepting pain relief had I felt I needed it. I just didn't. My push phase went on a bit longer than ideal and they ended up doing an episiotomy (found out after he had a hand up by his head!). Had you told me beforehand I would have one that would have scared me but in the moment it was honestly absolutely fine and I barely noticed. I was so focused on getting my little one out. By the time they were stitching me up, he was in my arms and nothing else mattered.

I'm currently almost 36wks pregnant and this time my little one needs to come out at 37wks due to being very tiny. This time I'll be having a planned section which is daunting as I've never had surgery but I feel calm and again, I am focused on getting my little one out safely. I know we will be well looked after and am confident we will both get through what we need to! Not to say it's not daunting but again, I'm so ready to meet my little person and I know I will find the strength I need.

I hope some of that is reassuring. You absolutely can and will do this. You find strength as a Mum that you never knew you had. However, it sounds like a good time to also consider the circle around you. Find some people who are on your side. A team you can move forward into adulthood with confidently and with support and love. Set some clear boundaries with your family now. If you feel able, just tell them you've heard what they have to say but they can stop it now. The pregnancy is going ahead and if they can't support and be nice about it you will have to back off. If it helps, imagine you are doing it for your child as well as yourself. You are a Mum already now. You are on this journey with a tiny teammate and the two of you will be just fine. Trust yourself.

Sending lots of love and strength your way. You've got this! 🥰

Birth is one day, and honestly mine didn't hurt than much, my wisdom tooth extraction and subsequent dry socket was far far worse!

What you need to question is whether you can bring your child up, that's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, house them, feed them, clothe them, meet they emotional needs all whilst earning sufficient to support them (is there a dad on the scene?)

It's pretty hard for young parents, you will want to see friends who are out having a good time and you'll be stuck at home (yes occasionally you can get a sitter but I can count on one hand how many times in the first 3 years I went out without my dc!) My friends son had a dc at 18, mum was 17, they have since split and 6 years on my friends have legal custody as neither parent was coping, not really fair on my friends quite frankly. Your parents will be worried that you will be relying on them.

Some young parents are amazing, self sufficient, hard working, finish education etc. just ask yourself have you got what it takes and are you ready to be so tied down at 20?

This.

(Also, nicely - you aren't scared to death of needles as you've managed blood tests and injections so far and nothing bad has happened as a result of having them. They are helpful for you and for your baby. So you are doing very well in that regard so far! Please remind yourself of that.

From someone who hates needles...
Calm down, nurses will help you every step of the way.
There are not that may times they need blood, you can do this.
Morning sickness and backache is all you will get if your lucky.
If you don't want all the gory details, just tell them .
The pain is just like a heavy period, and when your giving birth it is not like normal pain, your adrenaline kicks in and sort of blocks things in your head so you won't panic.
Think like an upset tummy and you need to poo and your body takes over, but relaxes afterwards.
You will be fine. You get to be a mum...

Honestly it's not that bad , does it hurts yes but I've a 5 week old and I would do it again. We are built for it and you are much stronger than you think . I gave birth on gas and air my labour was very quick I didn't have time for an epidural the gas and air did its job. Do you have a partner to support you ? I'm obsessed with watching programs like one born every minute I'm very much someone that if I know what to expect I can cope with it better

Even if childbirth is painful you will get through it because you want to meet your baby, and also because you have no choice!

I actually wish I had gone through pregnancy with no expectations of the birth and I will do this for future pregnancies. I had planned a water birth, gas and air, labouring at home for as long as possible but I ended up with a high risk small baby, an induction and then a csection. I was still on such a high after the birth and only really look back on that time with happiness. My baby is 12 weeks old now and I’ve pretty much forgotten about the birth process and would do it all again for another child. The point I’m trying to make is that pregnancy and birth are unpredictable and you are so early on, it is better to go with the flow and try not to think too much about the birth. You will be so focused on meeting your baby you will be surprised at what you can tolerate (and you already are tolerating it if you hate needles). Plus excellent pain relief is available!

Your family should be supporting you not bringing you down. I would politely say ‘thanks but that’s not helpful’ and keep saying it whenever they comment. If there are antenatal classes near you I would suggest going to a few as I found it empowering to have more information on the birth process and what to expect (they will tell you about the pain relief options too). And lean on your midwife team if possible, I found mine really supportive.

It’s totally natural to be nervous about pregnancy and birth. It’s a big change.

Can your midwife put you with another young mums or mums-to-be to help and support you?

Bless you your family sound like they're being mean.
Yes childbirth does hurt there's no pretending it doesn't. But there are things you can do to be prepared. Do go to antenatal classes and look for pregnancy yoga/aqua aerobics or similar so you can meet other mums to be.
Tell your midwife how you feel too so she can support you and talk you through what's going to happen and pain relief options. Epidurals are available and there's nothing wrong with having one, it's your birth you do it the way that works for you.
On the plus side being a younger mum usually means an easier birth.

I would definitely recommend looking at a hypnobirthing course. I bought the digital pack from the Positive Birth Company and it was so helpful. Learning about what is happening inside your body, what contractions are actually doing etc, is so important in framing your mindset for a positive birth experience. The videos will also help you think about your birth preferences and how to approach things if they take a different path.

thepositivebirthcompany.com/digital-pack

By the time you get to full term, it’s obvious to you and the whole world that the baby needs to come out. You want them to come out and you’ll be willing to deal with the pain to do it. There is a limit to how big a baby can possibly grow inside you. When your baby starts getting close to the limit, you’ll want to give birth.
Remember that doctors and midwives have means to reduce your pain during labour.
Basically you’ll cope because there won’t be a choice. And actually the doctors and midwives can help you if you aren’t coping.
I’m not saying birth is never traumatic anymore. It can be. But you get through it or you die. And with modern medical care, you don’t need to worry about dying in childbirth anymore. It’s extremely unlikely especially if you go to all your antenatal appointments and cooperate with your midwives.

Yes child birth can be rough and often not pleasant but most of us on here have lived to tell the tale! Not only that have gone on to have subsequent children.
It doesn't have to be how you are probably imagining it like some medieval torture chamber, you could try hypnobirthing and there's medical interventions to help with pain relief etc.

Your family are being toxic and unhelpful and are likely projecting their fears and disapproval on to you, which is unkind and unfair. Keep them at a distance to protect your peace and hopefully they will come round and be supportive. Congratulations on your pregnancy ☺️