How to get over possible gender disappointment?

[Flora0112]

Hello,
I had my first scan 2 days ago and I've been convinced that we are having a boy. My husband even thinks so and we've already been calling the bump by the name we want. After scan I couldn't see any nub and everyone is telling us it's a girl and all our friends are announcing boys which makes me think it's a girl.
I know it sounds terrible but I am convinced ill be a boy mum and now really scared. One if the reasons I'm really wanting a boy is for medical reasons. My mum currently has stage 4 triple negative breast cancer which is genetics and me and my sister have the gene and any daughters have an 85%chance of having the gene qnd gene means 85% chance of getting breast or ovarian cancer. I will need surgery and medication in a few years hence having a baby now. I really don't want my daughter to go through what I'm having to go through in terms of seeing my mum ill and all tests i have to have and been told theyll do hysterectomy before im 40 and I'm really nervous everyines right and it's a girl it's only me,my OH and my 3 old nephew who think boy. I've even bought boys clothes. So nervous in a few weeks at gender scan I'm going to be upset. How do you cope with this? Also can anyone tell from the scan? I just feel in my heart it's a boy hut there is no nub.
Thanks

Not being able to see a nub doesn't necessarily mean it's a girl. The scan isn't brilliant quality- you couldn't see a nub on either of my scans because I'm overweight but all babies have a nub, it's the angle of the nub that gives an indication.

I'm sorry about your health history and understand your hesitation about it being a girl. Unfortunately we can't choose what we get but keep your chin up. You might br worrying about nothing- could be a boy or a girl without the gene and if it is a girl with the gene she's many years off worrying. The science will continue to move on. Could be in 20 years they've found a solution

I’m sorry your family is going through such a hard time right now. It’s only natural to want a boy to avoid a little girl to go through any of it.

I’d say hold off buying baby boy clothes. Why not buy gender neutral things right now as there’s a 50/50 chance it’s either boy or girl.

Sadly I wouldn’t go by a 12 week scan or nub theory. Everyone told me going by my 12 week scan I was having a boy- it turned out a girl. Then again I was told everyone was certain I was having a girl based on how I was carrying, my pregnancy symptoms and nun theory - second time it was a boy!

If you really need to know now in order to process the news either way, and you can afford to throw some money at the problem, go get a Harmony test or other nipt that will tell you for sure. Poring over interpretation of scan photos will drive you round the bend, and is at best an educated guess.

I’m sorry about your health worries and understand why you hope your baby is a boy, but you have a 50% chance of being disappointed and there’s nothing you can do about it except stop making the possible disappointment even worse by your actions.

Stop using a boy's name for your bump, stop buying boys' clothes. "Feeling in your heart" it’s a boy is meaningless, as countless women throughout the ages could tell you.

I once knew someone who, after having two boys, was convinced that her third pregnancy was a girl, bought girl baby clothes and referred to the bump as a girl. When the third boy was born she was dreadfully disappointed and for months avoided shops selling baby clothes because the girls' dresses upset her too much. You don’t want to be like that woman.

If your baby is a girl you will love her anyway. Give yourself the best chance of minimising disappointment by starting to think positively about how much you would enjoy having a daughter.

I wouldn't go off the feelings people have. Most people told me I was having a girl. That was their gut instinct. Even DH and I thought it was a girl. We didn't have a preference so it wasn't that swaying us (I've always liked the idea of one of each sex, and this was our first). My sister, my niece and I all had dreams of this baby girl.
You guessed it.. I have a son! He also hid his nub behind the cord, so we couldn't go by nub theory either. I'd go for a private scan to find the sex if you think you'd be better finding out, as then you can process your thoughts once you know. I don't have any advice for gender disappointment if this does happen as no experience personally. It is easy to overthink things during pregnancy and think of the worst outcomes. I have cancer in my family history on my paternal side (not a sex one, which is even more worrying for all of us I suppose!😔). 2 family members with the same type.

Thanks everyone! I know we'll love whatever gender we have it's just been a lot. It's taken 2 years of fertility treatment to get here, then I have HG so pregnancy is rough and just everyone telling us it's a girl and all our friends having boys and my OH is desperate for a boy as we have season tickets for rugby and football and as all men dreams of his son playing for Wales rugby and he's one of 4 brothers and they sre all super close whereas jve got a sister and brother and were not that close so he really wants same bond he has with his brothers for his children and just so many of his friends having boys he doesn't want to be a girl dad 🤣🤣
And we was a bit disappointed with our scan photos as baby kept moving and they are all blurry, blobs or not very clear and all our friends showing these amazing scans so clear and can see nub and everything so everyone's assuming ours is a girl.

Our next scan is end of August so I'm sure we can wait till then and will love any baby we have and deal with anything medical. ❤️

You need to stop worrying about everyone else. What your partner wants doesn't matter, your friends having boys, your family members gut feelings - all of this is feeding into your anxiety. Take a step back from other people and their opinions and focus on yourself and your baby. All that matters is the here and now, you and your baby's health. Everything else is just noise.

Don't pay any attention to what feelings people might have, they are purely speculating and have a 50/50 chance. The sex of your baby won't be impacted by the sex of other babies. None of it matters.

If your partner keeps insisting on his desire for a boy remind him that it's the sperm cell that determines the sex, so whether it's a boy or a girl is down to him.

FWIW everyone around me was 'convinced' I was having a boy. I wanted a boy so I wonder if that influenced people to suggest it was so. I wasn't disappointed when I found out it was a girl (at a scan) but I did feel a bit underwhelmed in the moment. Those feelings passed very quickly.

I can absolutely understand why you want a boy for medical reasons and for that reason I hope you have a boy.

But your DH needs to get over himself. There's no guarantee any son will be who your husband expects. What happens when he hates football and rugby and wants dance lessons instead? I'd be really wary of what stereotypes he's pushing on your child. Girls like sports too.

And remind him, HIS SPERM determined sex.

I think he'll love a girl regardless and he adores our niece I think what it is all his friends have boys or having and rhey had easy conceptions and pregnancies and it's been hard for us and partly because his sperm and he's embarrassed by that and I think he feels he'll be left out having a girl cause some of the guys been saying stuff but I know if we have a girl he'll be fine ans I'm a girl who loves sport so that'll be fine. I think it's just the lads and him not opening up fully at how hard it's been for us ans still is as honestly HG is horrendous.

Think just over thinking everything as we didn't think this day will come and not sure if it'll happen again. I know he'll be a great dad regardless he is with my niece and nephew, just realise guys don't grow up and still "banter" over stuff

I'm sorry to hear of your families health history. I don't want this to come across as abruptly - I know you said you want a boy because of the medical reasons - but males can also inherit the gene.

I would avoid calling the bump by name or gender until you know the gender - as you may only cause yourself more disappointment doing so x

OP, I totally understand. My OH has the BRCA gene (is this the one you have?) meaning cancers, especially breast cancer in females, is greatly increased to 80%, as you know the risk is much lower in males with this gene, but still present. There's a 50% chance it'll be passed onto our child. His mum passed away of breast cancer and his sister has had a double mastectomy as she has the gene too.

When I first got pregnant we both hoped it was a boy for the reasons above, but also I just saw myself as a boy mum! We also bought predominantly boy clothes etc.

We are expecting a boy, but genuinely, if it was a little girl, I would have been just as ecstatic also. The more I've seen of our baby over scans, felt them move, it really doesn't matter what they are! You will love them unconditionally regardless. And you will get through the tough times, if they want to be tested for the gene, have a mastectomy if positive etc.

The fact you can't see a nub doesn't mean you're having a girl, boys and girls both have nubs, they're just angled differently.

Best wishes x

Sorry about your health issues, it sounds like a massive thing to be dealing with and must be really affecting your stress about the pregnancy. I don't have experience of that but my gender disappointment experience is that my husband and I both said we would have preferred a boy with our first pregnancy, my husband was very sure and said he wouldn't know what to do with a girl. We found out as early as we could as I did kind of expect it would be a girl, and it was. I was upset when we found out but got over it quite quickly (the baby clothes shopping is definitely more fun for girls) and my husband was immediately over the moon - I think even though it wasn't what he thought he wanted, finding out meant he could picture the baby and actually start bonding with her. He's so close to our daughter now and she adores him. Maybe your husband's friends are different to mine's but honestly I can't see there being any issues with banter, unless it's your husband telling them their sons aren't good enough for his daughter!