Planned Pregnancy doubts / depression

[Katieray23]

Hello!
I'm hoping someone can tell me they have been in my shoes and came out the other side!
im currently pregnant with my third child. I have a 16 and 4.5 year old! I had a terrible time during my last pregnancy, it was high risk I then had a traumatic labour and post natal was even worse! I suffered medical issues which led to panic attacks at 5 months post partum which then led to an allergic reaction to antidepressants which took me over 2.5 years to recover from! I can say I have only felt myself for the last 10-12 months and so much so that we decided to try for our last baby! We didn’t try for long only 2 months and now I’ve fallen pregnant! Initially I had some excitement, however 5 days later I was hit with a lot of negative thoughts about having another, questioning whether I even want another, which is really surreal to me as whilst we were trying it’s all I ever wanted and I was starting to worry that it might not happen and we were out of time!
anyway….. I’m now 9 weeks and I feel such blank emotion towards it all that it’s making me doubt we have done the right thing! I keep thinking what my life would be like without going back to the baby stage again, how much easier it would be, but on the other hand really want to give my youngest a sibling closer in age! I just don’t understand where all my positive feelings have gone? I’ve had terrible sickness and nausea so I’m on medication for that, so I really don’t feel like myself, can barely move to play with the kids of look after myself and I hate this lack of excitement if anything positive! I’ve heard depression can occur often in the first trimester so I’m wondering if anyone has experienced this and it for better throughout pregnancy or if I’m stuck this way and possibly even worse when baby arrives?
I’ve even considered ending this as it’s got that bad but I don’t think I can but I also don’t want to suffer! Anyone experienced this??

Hi..dont have much time but just wanted to give you a quick reply. I tried for 6 years to have a baby and had some minor fertility work done. When I finally got pregnant, I was far from elated. I was wondering what I had done. I had a grown up daughter and was so upset about how my life would change and how it would affect our family dynamic. I cried often through the pregnancy. I could still get on with things with the negative thoughts still there in the background and being honest, I did suffer from pnd for a little bit after my baby was born. I think it was all just so overwhelming. Fast forward 6 years, my son has been such a source of joy for all of us. Those feelings I had are really such a distant memory now. Your hormones are all over the place now I guess but in my experience, you'll get through and things will really get better.

My situation isn't exactly the same as yours but I found out I was pregnant with my third and had a complete meltdown. When I say meltdown I spent the whole of the first trimester either crying, depressed or in a constant state of anxiety about how I will cope. I also considered termination and thought our lives were over after just getting them back (youngest just turned 3).

I won't go into too much detail but I had a terrible labour with my first, ended up on anti depressants for PND and then 2 years of anxiety medication for PTSD. My second I luckily didn't experience the PND but again I didn't have the best birth experience and the post natal ward completely abysmal. Part of my anxiety and panic this time was mainly the birth going tits up again and having to navigate the post natal ward after vowing never to set foot in the maternity hospital again 🤣

Lots of talking has helped, I've been referred to the perimental health team and I'm now 16 weeks and feeling so much better. A massive part of negative thoughts will be you physically feeling like crap and it clouding your judgement but you aren't alone.