Anxious about having a child and impact on relationship/life

[Firsttimemum000]

Hi all, I’m pregnant and struggling atm.For a long time we were told that it likely wouldn’t happen for us and then it did. As a result I feel like should be overjoyed but I’m not, I feel detached and I’m second guessing it’s the right thing. I’m worried about what lies on the other side and the permanency of it all, what if I realise then it wasn’t for me and it’s too late? What if I lose myself? I read about women who regret becoming mothers, this terrifies me. But I think the thing that terrifies me the most is the impact to me and my partner’s relationship. We have a really good relationship, we’re aligned in all our values and thinking, he’s emotionally intelligent and incredibly supportive, but I keep reading studies saying how much proof there is out there that having a baby damages or end’s relationships (like high stats of 60-70%), and I don’t want this, that for me that wouldn’t be worth it. I’m not sure what I’m looking for really, has anyone felt like this? maybe some recommended reading so we can both be fully prepared and protect ‘us’ and and I guess any positive stories from people who whose relationships haven’t broken down as a result?! Thanks in advance xx

Having dc did not break us at all but it did test us. When you are tired, overwhelmed, feeling vulnerable then you are more prone to argue, snap at each other etc. but if you love each other, respect each other and communicate and say sorry when needed it will be fine. Make sure you share the load and be equal partners. Resentment is a very deep feeling and can creep up on you and is harmful. You will struggle to find time for just the 2 of you and you may not want to in the early days but little gestures make a huge difference, so a cuppa in bed, 10 minutes sat together, a walk together. Is it easy no not always but I am still married 24 years on!!!

I honestly think the key to continuing to have a strong relationship after having a baby is lots of communication, understanding and still finding time to love your partner even though that is harder. We have a baby and I did worry about this but honestly I love motherhood despite the tiredness and I think my husband and I have coped really well with it, our relationship feels even stronger if anything! I do think our communication and understanding goes a long way with that, we agreed not to get into competitive tiredness and giving each other extra grace where needed (very important especially in the first few weeks when everybody is absolutely exhausted). Accept that now your relationship won’t always be 50/50, pre kids I think affection/effort/dates etc in a relationship should be 50/50, but once you have a baby I think you both have to understand that actually sometimes it can’t be, there are some days when after holding a screaming baby all day I just don’t have 50 to give, I have 20, and my partner is understanding of that and gives 80, and vice versa when he’s had a difficult day at work and is run down, he might only have 20 to give and so I give 80, it’s give and take and as long as you give each other grace it will be fine. From other posts I see on here though I think the biggest factor seems to be how your partner copes with the change to fatherhood. Some of the posts I see on here really break my heart where women are talking about how their partners don’t help, don’t appreciate what an enormous job birth & baby life is on the mother, don’t compliment & “take care” of their wife/partner, and I suppose that’s maybe one of those things you don’t find out about until the baby is here. Just try not to worry, all you can both do is try your best x

Having a baby was a huge test for us, you are utterly exhausted from sleep deprivation and finding time for yourself/looking after yourself is very hard. Agree with the above posts that the key is communication and SHARING THE LOAD. You will both find your flow and what works best for you. I understand that feeling of doubt - I was adamant I didn't want children (they annoyed me!) but then I met my husband and my mind quickly changed and now we have two under four. It's bloody hard but I wouldn't change it for the world. This is the next chapter for you and your partner and it will be amazing chaos - you can do this!

This feeling is very familar to me. We also had a bit of a miracle and I felt awful that I was going to resent her etc. I'd never loved kids and always loved my days out and holiday. And I can honestly say it's the best choice I've ever made. There are moments I wish for a bit more freedom but I have loved motherhood far more than I thought I would.. I just love my snuggles and seeing her learn and grow every day.. currently about to drop no 2 any day now.

As for our relationship..it's different but in some ways it's so much better..I love him so much more and there is nothing that makes my heart beat faster than seeing our daughter on his shoulders or watching them.conspire together.

The early days are hard but you need to open about your feelings, you need to recognise the other person is human and may just need some time alone and that's ok and not a commentary on you..you also must realise it's likely you will end up sniping at each other when tired etf but just don't get too personal and try and understand and forgive the other person..

It will be ok. It will be different but good

I honestly could have written this a few years ago. I had a surprise pregnancy with my husband and initially we were like, 'well, we have a house, good jobs, we're married and we're in our 30s – let's do this!' But, my heart really wasn't in it. I feel awful saying that, but I similarly found a lot of supportive people on Mumsnet at the time who really helped me through that. I had a medical termination and we both continued with our emotional development – lots of counselling, reading, open dialogues, active and committed work on our relationship. Ultimately, my fear of it being too much change for me, or my fear of it negatively effecting my relationship, abated. We're pregnant again now (planned!) and it feels completely different. We're both equally excited and relaxed, which is something I couldn't even have imagined back then.
Take your time and take care of yourself, I completely get how difficult this situation is, and it's also not at all rare 🤗

Hey 👋 my relationship has survived 5 babies (including twins) my last baby is 6 months now, and a unwanted pregnancy so this tested our relationship at the beginning of the pregnancy, once she was here was instant love from me n daddy, my top tips- communication- don’t bottle any resentment up, learn to compromise, let the little things go- “he didn’t wash his damn cup up again””left his socks on the floor” — just let it go its not worth the fight nor the 5 seconds it take to just do it yourself- no tit for tat crap, divide and conquer, be considerate towards each other, and above all try to make time to keep the spark alive, its easy to forget who you both were to each other before having kids, take the time to revisit who you were regularly xx

I have found that the dad is key....if he's intelligent enough to understand what you are going through, he's supportive and understanding and up for being a father, everything is great. In some ways I love my DP more than I did before falling pregnant. But it can equally go very wrong if he's not all those things. It's the biggest challenge of your life while not that much changes for the man at all in the early days and that's where the resentment builds up.

You can't tell the future. Babies change a lot of things but many for the better!

As to "losing yourself", I see that in a few friends who are lamenting that too. I think it comes from unrealistic expectations. Your body will change. Your priorities will change. Even your friendships will change. But that's life and progress!

As others have said I'm pregnant with my 3rd (same husband) our relationship is definitely different and it's been tested to the extreme - but
He knows me in very different ways
I'll never be able to be as vulnerable as I am around him
He loves me and I love him

...sex did change and is a lot less with 2 toddlers, a baby on the way, 736 sleepless nights but we clearly still manage it occasionally or I'd not be in my current state 😜

Honestly, having our son (6) has just strengthened DH and I as a couple. I don't feel we have been "tested" at all.

DH and I did meet young and had been together 11 years before we started trying for DS so in fairness we were pretty certain we were.eaxhothers people.

Having a child can be stressful and challenging, but I've never felt that it has negatively impacted on our relationship. DH, ds and I are a team and I've never regretted it (I did have a panic on falling pregnant, and in the very early weeks of "what have we done?!)

Some great advise on here op x

Our relationship has been destroyed by the changes that becoming parents brought to our inner worlds and then how that translated into our external actions. For instance, my husband couldn't cope with having to share my attention and I struggled with him being so lax with safety and standards. None of this would have been different if we'd been together one or ten years because was all triggered by becoming parents itself.

I would say read up on and agree expectations of each other around parenting so you can keep reviewing as the demands shift. At first, all I wanted was my husband to look after me, so I could look after baby (then babies) and then it shifted to wanting him to look after them. He's found the toddler years extremely triggering so has become an authoritarian parent who he never wanted to be!

Of course if neither you nor your husband have anything lurking to even be triggered then I don't imagine it'll be challenging beyond the everyday experience of many parents who have lovely strong bonds.

The brutal truth is that many men (I would say more than half) simply don't adjust well to fatherhood no matter how much "communication about expectations" you have. MN will have you believing that a successful transition into parenthood involves making your partner pull his weight, doing 50/50 etc. This is all great in theory but the reality is that the more you try to force this onto a man who doesn't want to, the worse the relationship will become.

In the end, you can only change things that you have directly control over yourself. This includes your mindset, your new identity as a mother, what you see in the future for your child etc. Just remember that a marriage can ALWAYS and EASILY survive if you are prepared to be the solo parent. If you are willing to become the default caretaker for the baby and not make life more difficult than necessary for your partner then the relationship will survive. You will always have good moments together but you can only find out what sort of father he is once the baby is here. If you are lucky, he will be one of the patient, hands-on, brilliant dads. But realistically, he'll probably end up being a bit absent, not recognise all of your needs in the most vulnerable time of your life and will indulge in activities from his pre-baby life far more often than you can. If you are mentally prepared for this then it's easier to cope with.

You also need to draw up some mental boundaries for yourself. A lot of people joke about how it's normal to want to divorce your spouse in the first year following marriage but there's a kernel of truth. For instance you can decide not to make any rash decisions during the most sleep deprived period of your life. If your needs aren't met (and they won't be for quite some time post-partum) then it will have a knock-on effect on your mood and decision making abilities. So if things feel shit, try to hang in there and at least wait until you are more rested, the baby is older or you have more perspective on everything.

It's also worth compiling a list of things that would be deal-breakers. This is tough to think about now but you should treat it in same way as a will or power of attorney. Hopefully you'll never need it, but in the tiny sliver of possibility that something bad happens, you will be glad you were prepared. This could include things such as cheating, a sexless relationship, physical or verbal abuse etc. It all sounds terribly morbid but these are situations that can and do happen after having a baby. A lazy man is extremely common and you can muddle through that. But other things are more complex so you need to find your own boundaries on what kind of behaviour you can put up with.