Gender disappointment

[Squirrel81]

Hey guys,

I had my gender reveal scan yesterday and found out I am having a baby boy. I am feeling pretty intense gender disappointment about this because I have an older brother who has drug addiction issues, is a complete social recluse, extremely selfish, and causes pain to my own parents every day. I am obsessing over having some of those genes and having passed them on to my unborn child. I guess I wanted it to be a girl to have one immediate difference I could point to.

I really don’t want to feel like this, but it doesn’t help that I don’t have the answers as to why my brother is how he is. My parents are wonderful and I have a good life for myself because they raised me well. He is a lot older and my family is pretty terrible at open communication so a lot will remain a mystery.

Does anyone have similar experiences or just some kind words and advice might help at this time.

Every time I try to think about my perfect little baby boy my wandering mind takes over and tells me it’s going to end with doom and gloom.

Genes are genes - the sex doesn’t come into it. All you can do is raise your child the best you can do - there’s only so much you can control.

Oh I had the same, my dad is an alcoholic (drinking from the moment he wakes in the morning) and made my childhood a misery, and some of the other men in my family aren’t much better.

I had a girl first, then a boy. Now he’s here my fears have melted away - he’s only 1 so it’s too early to say what kind of character he will be exactly, but I’ve made peace with the fact that all I can do for both of my children is my reasonable best. Remember he also has your boyfriend/husband’s genes, and they will likely be his biggest male influence.

I will also add that while boys seemed problematic for a number of years, girls are now really catching up in terms of mental health issues and antisocial behaviour. The happiest family I know have 2 lovely boys, and the unhappiest have 2 girls who have mental health issues and are very unhappy characters. So a girl is a guarantee of nothing.

Can I point out that I've known many female drug addicts in my life.
Send has nothing to do with how someone will turn out. Your genitalia doesn't decide what your personality will be.
I hope you have a healthy and happy pregnancy and I hope that your little boy makes all your dreams come true.

@Rainbowsponge Ah thank you for sharing your experience. It certainly makes me feel less alone and I am hearing every word.

You are completely right - and my husband is the most emotionally intelligent, talented man I know. What a role model our son will have.

My dad was traditionally the breadwinner of the family and away with work a lot. That’s already a big difference.

You are right, boy or girl, it doesn’t change the rest of the underlying genes defining their nature and personality. Which will be unique to only my boy. Thank you.

You feel how you feel - give yourself time and space to acknowledge those feelings. Then you can can start to work on improving them. You already know.its not logical, but feelings rarely are! Therapy can be helpful, there are plenty of therapists out there who specialise in prenatal issues. Good luck, and dont be too hard on yourself, but do remind yourself its not logical and you will love them either way!

I have two brothers. One is an absolute arse and has done some awful things in his life, the other basically doesn't care about any of us and so we are no contact. I have a gorgeous ds who is the most loving and gorgeous little boy. He's only 3 but I honestly believe that he is his own person and don't worry about him turning out like his 'uncles'. As far as he knows he has one uncle, my dh brother as I'm no contact with my brothers. I'm happy that he and my dd have people and influences around them that we have chosen, who care about and are good role models for my dc. I personally feel that is more influencal.

@curiouscat1987 thank you, really. Your advice will stay will me as I process this and get past these illogical yet real emotions 😘

@TwilightAb thanks so much for sharing your personal experience!!! It means so much to hear from someone that can relate and how incredible your son sounds. Reading your post makes me excited about my baby! I’m sure I’ll come back to it if my mind is playing tricks!

I can almost guarantee that you will look back on how you are feeling like now and be shocked that you ever thought like this.
Just give yourself a bit more time and don't beat yourself up for feeling like this. Blame those hormones.

You know you are not you aren't being rational so keep reminding yourself of that. People have all sorts of mocked up thoughts when they are pregnant especially around families. Look at all the Mumsnet threads.

Now you know you are having a boy how about doing a little clothes shop or decorating his bedroom or having a think about names. Something that will help you think of him as YOUR son not some generic 'boy'.

Congratulations. 💙💙

Don't burden your son with the expectation that he'll end up as a drug addict! Your son is a completely different person with his own unique set of genes and he'll have completely different experiences growing up.
I know female drug addicts so even if you had a daughter the risk is still there - as it is with any child, regardless of whether their uncle is a drug addict.
I wonder if counselling with help you deal with your fears. Your brothers drug addictions has clearly had a big impact on you, understandably.
My son is the joy of my life!

mixed*

I’ve got one of each and thought I’d feel the same. However I am SO close to my son. He was a gorgeous baby and toddler and now a lovely young man. He’s brought me so much joy.
I know it’s easy to think that because we’re women, we’ll have more in common with our own sex, but it’s actually not true. Once he’s here, you’ll discover that!
Give him lots of cuddles and you’ll find he’ll be a gorgeous, loving and affectionate child

He is a brand new human life and isn't your brother. You share most of your brother's genes and you aren't a drug addict. He will be fine! Give yourself time to deal with the emotions and take it easy on yourself.

I'd recommend for any future pregnancies not finding out the sex before birth. I don't think you'll be thinking about drug addiction when your beautiful baby boy is handed to you.

It doesn't matter what anyone says here. You'll still feel the same. We wanted a boy and of course got a girl. Everyone said "she might like football" etc and we just thought that's not even relevant.

Of course, as soon as she appeared, none of it mattered. She's perfect and everything we ever hoped for as your son will be. He is his own person and likely nothing like your brother. Your feelings are valid. Just sit with them and wait for them to disappear when he arrives.

Congratulations

Youre welcome! For what its worth, i went through something similar with my first. I found therapy helpful as it helped me untangle why i felt the way i did and from there to address it. Theyre 3 now and the most amazing little person ive ever met (im definitely not biased or anything 🤣).

I really dislike these threads. Aways little baby boys who people are disappointed with. So your son wil have good male role models but you have used the excuse about your brother only then 🙄 If you had an ass of a sister and you were having a girl would you still have gender disappointment ? There is always a 50 50 chance of boy girl and either should be expected.