First Baby - Feel Lost!

[Lunamoon23]

Hello!

So pregnant with first baby, believe we're having a little bit from early scan, and we're super excited!! Planned pregnancy etc.

However, sometimes I have these moments of overwhelming fear, like, shit - I have no idea what I'm doing, like when baby gets here. I don't have an awful lot of experience with newborns or kids in general, I'm the first to have one our side of the family.

Is this a normal feeling??
Keep having moments of panic of coming home with a newborn and just not knowing what the hell to do? And I mess it up..
feel completely alien to it all. Like feeding, sleeps, what to dress baby in etc etc. I have a baby book which I've been reading but it feels like I'm not retaining any of it.

Yes, it’s perfectly normal. I had barely held a baby before having my first. You have to learn on the job. It is scary at times but use all the support you can (whether that’s family, friends, health visitor, books, mumsnet). Good luck!

Completely normal!! Enjoy your pregnancy, don't overthink it and take care of yourself. Enjoy these last few months child free and relax, go out, get pampered, etc...

Yep, this!

DH had more experience from a previous job, with toddlers and primary school aged children, he at least had changed nappies before which was useful! But other than that we learnt as we go, did absolutely tons of internet research, asked our health visitors and midwives tons of questions, and asked family members for their thoughts too. Then when I started making parent friends at groups I'd ask them things too. You just learn as you go.

I still sometimes feel totally overwhelmed and confused and I'm pregnant with my 3rd, my kids are 6 and 2.5. cos even as they age irs just new challenges especially with with the eldest, and then the younger ones don't have the same personality and interests necessarily etc so it's not like you can carbon copy parenting from one child to another.

Totally normal! I hadn't really held a baby before my first, and probably good thing too as she was tiny (2.43kg) but still looked massive to me! Everyone else was scared to pick her up but I didn't know any different. We didn't have a cot or moses basket in our room when we brought her home but had a massive cot in 'her' room with a sofa...I ended up on the sofa with her in the cot as my other half had a virus and was totally out of it for the first few days home! And I'd had a c section. Then we found she quite liked the carry cot in the pram...so we brought the whole pram upstairs every night! We were so clueless 😂. She's 18 now and all good!

Totally normal! I felt the same before DS was born, but you really do just fall into it. In those early days, they sleep when they sleep, you feed them every couple of hours, and clothing is typically one layer more than what you wear! You’ll figure out your own routines and habits as you get to know each other ☺️ Enjoy your pregnancy! Your baby is so lucky to have a mum who already cares so much about their wellbeing

Congratulations!
I found antenatal classes really helpful.
I went to bump & baby classes with my partner once a week in the evenings.
We literally knew nothing about babies! Now we have a what's app group chat with the other parents so we can all muddle through together.
My son is 8 months old & most days I'm still winging it.
You do kind of have an instinct that kicks in & you'll figure things out as you go.
What works for one baby might not work for another. I wish they came with a personalised instruction manual ha.
You'll be just fine though x

Completely normal. I had this after my baby was born too. When we got home from hospital I burst out crying saying we needed to take her back because we didn't know how to look after a baby, what the hell were we thinking! I felt like I'd stolen her!

But it is true what people say, it's just instinct. 7 months later I can confidently say I'm a really good mum.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Did you just genuinely pick it up as you went along? Or did you use any resources once home to help? Just feeling panicked like 'what if I don't feed him enough' what is I mess up his sleep routine? It'll be winter, what if I don't dress him appropriately or overheat him.. panic stations 😅

That's really kind, I really appreciated that, thank you.

There are just so many things to think about aren't there, and I panic I'll do something really wrong or him just be a really unhappy baby because I'm not doing what I should be doing but don't know what I should be doing 😂 if that makes sense!
And the panic of when DH returns to work and I'll just be at home alone with this little person to figure out alone.. it's scary.

Hahaha!
See I have all the gear, by 4 months I've got basically everything I think I'll need including the next to me crib! It's just a case of all the gear, no idea.. 😂
Feels so alien that you just leave that hospital (also having a c section) after major surgery and have this new little human to care for who can't communicate at all.. but maybe I need to try and trust in my instincts a little more, and trust I'll be ok. Xxx

Congratulations!

Yes, it's overwhelming and there's only so much you can do to prepare because you won't know your baby's temperament until they're here. Mint hated swaddling and we never used dummies, so some money inevitably went down the drain.

General advice: make sure you're not alone on night 2 as your hormones basically crash and you'll probably cry a lot.

You will at some point feel rage when you're woken up yet again as soon as you've dropped off. This is normal and doesn't make you an unfit parent, it's just your nervous system responding to stress/danger and it doesn't know that you're waking up because your baby needs something and not because a saber toothed tiger is coming to eat you.

With regards to your specific concerns:
If you're bottle feeding, about every 3 hour, day and night. Yes, this means waking them up for a feed. If you're breastfeeding then on demand as you'll also be building your supply and hormones work on a "the more you feed the more I'll make" basis. Prolactin is highest at 4 am so don't skip night feeds. It's lowest any 4pm conversely.

For sleep, always have the baby in the same room as you, even for naps. They regulate their breathing with your breathing so get a moses basket for downstairs/the daytime.

What to dress baby in - depends on the season but generally they need one layer more than you.

Good luck, I know you'll do brilliantly.

It definitely feels like there’s loooads to think about, but when they’ve just popped out, it all kind of goes out of the window and you’re just focused about the single next step you need to do to keep them alive (in my personal experience anyway). DH always joked to people that we were surviving, not thriving in the first few weeks, but honestly that’s all you have to do! It’s very hard to do things wrong. As long as they’re fed and clean, you’re doing amazing! Bonus points if you’re also fed and clean 😂 I found the babybjorn bouncer and Moses basket life savers for when DH went back to work. Just moved them around the house and put the baby in when I needed a shower/cuppa etc.

Oh and the most important thing is lots of cuddles and snuggles. Let everything else go. Tell your partner he's in charge of all cooking, shopping and cleaning for the first 3 months of baby's life. You don't need to be worrying about any of that.

@BluPeony I keep hearing a lot about the hormone crash days after having baby, is it really as bad as it sounds? Thankfully I won't be alone, DH will be off for a month once baby is here so I'll have lots of support. Plus my sister and my mum have said how they'll be on hand for anything anytime so that's reassuring.

So I plan to express and formula feed but it'll all be from a bottle, wanted to try to give baby the best of breast milk for as long as I can but spare myself the torture of the breast to bottle transition and also make it easier for myself to share feeds, I'm guessing that would be the same, every 2-3 hours?
Advice I'd read previously said not to wake baby? Would that mean during the night I'd have to set an alarm every couple of hours to feed if I and baby are sleeping? X

If you have a healthy full term baby you don't need to set an alarm or wake him up overnight.

If you want to establish breastfeeding, you do need to feed at night for many weeks.

So I plan to express and formula feed but it'll all be from a bottle, wanted to try to give baby the best of breast milk for as long as I can but spare myself the torture of the breast to bottle transition

Just feed from the breast. It's much, much easier!

I haven’t read all the replies but same!!!
my first baby is 8 weeks today and I wing it every day 😃
No prior experience with kids or babies really in fact I’ve always been super awkward around them.
you really do get into the swing of it all pretty quickly!

Relax as much as you can, live in the moment, don’t let your mind wander too much into the future. It will all be ok and you’ll be great!

Yeah, totally normal. I'm pregnant with my second and still having moments of panic ha. I had zero experience with kids before I had my first. Lots of googling and time spent on mumsnet taught me a lot! He's 2 now, thriving at nursery and he seems to like me so I've done something right! You'll be fine. X

I didn't want to breastfeed though but I wanted baby to have the benefits from breast milk.

@Nightowly that's great, congratulations and well done for smashing it ! That's really reassuring, thank you xxx

Honestly focus on each day now. I’m 6 months and haven’t bought a thing, haven’t read a book! Got NCT coming up. No rush, you’ve got so long to go. Babies don’t follow rules from books!

Sorry can I ask why?

I had to pump for 3 weeks while I was establishing my supply because the baby couldn't latch properly and it was honestly such a hassle.

If you want to exclusively pump (i did it for 7 months), i highly recommend.you get yourself familiar with the pump you'll be using now, check.youve.got the right size attachments etc and read up on excluisve pumping in general. I naïvely assumed someone would tell me what/how to do it, but the medical staff hadn't really got a clue (or the time!) And gave conflicting advice anyway. You'll need to take the pump with you to hospital (i also had a section and had been told i could just feed them colostrum from a syringe until my milk came in, but stupidly didnt realise my milk wouldnt come in til i started pumping at least every 3 hours!).

Think carefully about exclusive pumping. I did it for the same reasons as you, and whilst theyre admirable ones, it does mean you'll spend approx 30-70 minutes pumping, + however long to feed them, + time spent cleaning all the pump parts, sterilising, drying and reassembling them, labelling the milk(prob totalling approx another 45 minutes at least) etc every 3 hours, including an extra long pump session at 2am. Plus travelling with all the equipment is bloody hard. Its possible, but massive pain and time drain, and thats time i didnt get to actually spend with my newborn.

I’d honestly avoid any specific or set plans regarding birth or baby stuff - you have no idea what will happen and what baby will be like.

When i had my first kid, the nurse said to me "right now, i know your baby better than you do, but in 2 days time you'll know him better than me". I thought about it often because essentially what i think she was saying was that no 2 babies are the same, and after a very short amount of time you will know and understand your baby better than any nurse, doctor, parenting expert, friend, family member.

This is what everyone is talking about when they talk about "instinct". The key is to lean into it, and trust that when you read generic advice to "try to avoid x" or "do y", or a well-meaning friend or family-member gives you advice about something that worked for their baby, and your first thought is "ugh, i just don't think that'll work for my baby", you're probably right! No harm in trying all the advice, but you will know your baby better than anyone, and your baby will be unique and different to anyone else's baby. The quickest route to unnecessary stress is to get hung up on some piece of advice or guidance that you've read or been given and try repeatedly to apply it to your unique baby or circumstance. Try it, if it doesn't work for you or your baby, that is OK. It may work for thousands of others but you don't have those babies, you have yours, and not trying to force a square peg into a round hole doesn't make you a terrible parent it makes you an excellent one.

So, read as much as you can now, take in as much advice as you can, but be prepared to let lots of it go once you get to know your baby! Think of it as building your toolbox - you may never need half the tools in there, but it's not a terrible idea to have them just in case.