Divorcing, Pregnant and Sibling Contact

[Birkenstocksandsocks]

I’m currently pregnant with second DC. My husband and I separated after I found out I was pregnant due to me finding out he’s been unfaithful.

My first child DS lives predominantly with his Dad since the split and this is his choice. I moved out of family home, into a property I rent out as ex H refused to move out. DS’ school is 100 yds from his house and he is very involved with a lot of sports that are all within 5 minutes walk of marital home.

My second DC will be living with me. I just want some advice on how to manage my DC’s spending time together as I don’t want one of the other to feel left out and I want them to have a really great bond.

I currently have DS 2-3 nights a week. I have a complex pregnancy and no support from ex H so it would be really difficult for me to talk DS to school and his clubs etc as it’s 30 mins away and I’m often at the hospital with this pregnancy.

To make it worst ex H has a daughter from previous relationship who my DS has an amazing relationship with. This is amazing but I’m so worried that new baby won’t have that same bond.

Help please!

I also broke up when pregnant it's awful.

Just remember you don't HAVE to leave the marital home yet (just checking it's your choice). You could stay and have stbxh sleeping on the sofa.

Do you have family that can come and stay to help you in the first few newborn weeks?

Just want to add that ex H seems to think he can ‘keep’ DS and I will just ‘keep’ DD but I do not think that is a good idea at all.

I will take this to court if needed but I’m currently heavily pregnant and in/out of hospital every few days due to complications so it’s not something that’s going to be sorted soon. It’s thought I will have to spend a few weeks with baby in hospital too as likely to be premature if complications continue.

Ex H has literally been so unhelpful. He is an absolutely fantastic Dad to his 2 DC but does not care one bit about new DD.

How old is your 1DC, did he choose to stay or was it just the best option at the time. Could you move closer to him so you can parent him 50/50. Will your ex also want 50/50 with current baby when old enough

It was my choice as he was a total pig and very unhelpful. He’s in countryside which is much longer drive to hospital etc and when I started with complications he refused to help and I was really struggling.

Where I am now is my first home I bought before marriage, 5 minutes from hospital and 2 minutes from my mum’s home which is a godsend.

I’m honestly more worried about DC’s than I am myself. I just don’t think ‘you keep one and I keep the other’ is a good way to go about things at all.

He’s only 4. With the amount I am in hospital I could not look after him full time without the help of another adult. That is why he’s with Dad but also he has a horse, goes to a couple of clubs and also school is 2 mins from the marital home.

I could move and I probably will but in my current state of health and pregnancy I can’t put my house on market, buy a new one etc. I’m 28 weeks and will be lucky to make 32/33 I have been told.

Ex H has made it very clear he will not be bringing DS to hospital to meet DD and he will not be helping at all. He’s pretty much washed his hands of any responsibility for DD apart from mandatory CSA which he said he will pay if I go to court.

It’s just very odd because he’s an amazing parent to his 2 DC’s but he pretty much refuses to acknowledge this DC exists.

Ps - newborn will be very different to toddler years onwards. Baby will need to be with you a lot, but assuming it's dad wants a relationship he will need to do short often visits - say he spends time with the baby twice a week, he can bring your big boy along with him. Then your big boy will see his brother on the nearly half a week he spends at your house too. My friend has a 9 year old 50/50 with her ex and her and her new baby toddler have an incredible relationship even though it's just two nights midweek and every other weekend. Don't worry about that - they are siblings. You can also do video calls between them and if your son is old enough to have a phone you can WhatsApp him photos of the baby.

As baby gets bigger it's likely they will do every other weekend and maybe a night midweek with dad and big brother too. They will bond. The siblings will have holidays together with each of their parents. They will love each other. It's a really tough situation you're in now dealing with betrayal while pregnant, but PLEASE focus only on you and your wellbeing now not the 'what if's' about the siblings bond as they will spend lots of time together especially once the baby becomes a toddler. Do whatever you can to look after yourself.

You'll want the baby with you all the time when they're little but when they are 1.5-2 you'll start to feel ready for more me time and then you can start having hobbies and more self care time and time for dating and meeting a new faithful man with morals (if that's what you want).

Maybe in the future you might move closer to sons school and the siblings can be closer and your ds can just pop by when he fancies for a cup of tea and a little play with the toddler.

Who is the child benefit paid to? As this is the residential parent. As long as your son is safe and happy, you can try to get more contact. Remember he can claim cms off you.

My friend is in almost exactly the same position as you btw with her baby now 2 years old the ex is just starting to be open to including the baby on visits with the older kids. I think he waited till she was potty trained tbh. My friend had to say that once she was 2 and understood she wouldn't allow foreign holidays as it wasn't fair to treat them differently and then he made her do a paternity test for the baby. Ridiculous.

Don't worry about this yet - honestly please just

Ps I'm so glad you have your mum close by. Perhaps she can help you by collecting your son and taking him to visit you for dinner another night a week to ensure you have frequent contact with him during all this - make 'the norm' 3-4 times a week if you can (even if they then have to be cancelled due to your health)