When is it reasonable to have DH on hospital alert?

[CycleGirl20]

I'm 34 weeks with our second. The first is just over 1.5 years old and was a C-section. DH is having a really rough time at the moment with a recent tragedy. I don't want to panic him unnecessarily or ban him from having beers. I'm also now getting into that phase of pregnancy where my body does weird things (cramps, etc) where I start to worry something might be starting. Plus, the stress of what has happened recently does directly impact me even if to a far lesser extent, so I don't think that's helping.

I didn't go into labour before my daughter and she was born at 39+3 as planned by C-section.
If something did start by surprise and he was over the drink drive limit, could I drive for 30 minutes to get my DD to her grandparents? Or wait for them to come collect her? What if I can't get hold of them? Would you leave your young DD in the house with a medium-drunk DH and just go to the hospital or would you take her with you and risk questions and her ending up with social services? These are things I'm thinking about at 3am, rather than likely scenarios. I think being pregnant makes me anxious about unlikely things, but still.

I've heard second births can be faster and there's a medical worry about a natural birth for me, so I need to be careful that doesn't happen. At the same time, maybe it's only faster if it's a second natural birth. I don't want to be stressing him out or nagging him to stay 100% sober for the next 6 weeks when he's already going through a lot. I also don't want to seem like I'm attention seeking or trying to make things "about me" when it's unlikely anything will happen for the next 3-4 weeks. 😅

Following as I’m in a similar boat, due just after you. I’d vaguely been thinking from 37 weeks unless there are particular medical concerns. Yet I’m probably going to start getting panicky before that.

Why do you think social services will get involved? If DH can't drive because he's been drinking, get a taxi to hospital and take DH and DD with you. Have your parents or whoever is available pick DD up from the hospital and take her home/to their house/whatever your plan is for childcare. It shouldn't be an issue unless your DH is so pissed he can't even come to the hospital.

I'm 36 weeks, DH doesn't drive and I was induced with DS last time (I drove to the hospital). I'm hoping for another induction but we'll see what happens. DS is a bit older but I wouldn't have any problem just taking him with us. My parents live about 40 minutes away and could come and pick him up.

I’m not clear on the social services part either? I really don’t think this is something you need to be worried about.

Honestly id be a bit more worried about him using alcohol as a coping mechanism, can he really not stick to 1 drink given you’ve presumably had no booze through two pregnancies. I real,y don’t understand your concern about social services though, unless you already have them involved.

Social services if I end up at hospital with DD alone. I think I saw in another thread that they sometimes have someone like that watch the other kid until someone else picks them up. Maybe that's not how it works?

I think you could go into labour at any point and your DH needs to stay sober for the next 6 weeks, yes.

This is such a foreign idea to me. My DH was on alert my entire pregnancy. It was a complicated pregnancy and he did have to take me to a&e multiple times. There is no way he would have left me to make my own way there so that he could have a drink.

It's more that, I don't think he thinks the baby will come before the c-section. That's probably correct. He isn't thinking he's leaving me to deal with it on my own. He can be quite stubborn about ideas too and I feel a bit bad starting a debate about it now with all the rest of what's going on. I'm not sure how reasonable/rational I'm being worrying about it. It is true that baby is unlikely to come earlier than maybe 38 weeks. Especially if my last wasn't early.

Perhaps I'm more wondering if it is likely to happen or if I'm just being pregnant and worrying about silly stuff. I don't want to stress him out anymore if it's not something likely or if, like a few people have say said, I could just get a taxi to the hospital with DD & DH and the grandparents could collect DD.

Mine is off on a work trip when I am 32 weeks. I’m not thrilled about it as have two other children and not great back-up locally.

I see what you mean now OP about social services. I was under the impression that was if you really didn’t have anyone to cover childcare at all that they’d have to contact foster carers, not just whilst you wait for someone to pick up DD? I may be wrong though. Anyone know?

When men have tragedies they turn to drink or have an affair. When women have tragedies, they continue to manage their own lives and everyone's else's.

Your DH should not be being too drunk to look after his toddler daughter or drive, especially with you on the verge of giving birth whether he's had a tragedy or not.

It sounds like you have to walk on eggshells around him and I suspect this was the case before the current situation.

Even though grief is complex and can be lengthy, I tell you this-he needs to find healthier coping mechanisms, first - because he has a child and a wife and second, because he has another one on the way. As an adult he should not be letting his motions take him over and coming from a family of alcoholics, I can confirm alcohol solves nothing and chemically it’s actually a depressant.
I understand you do not want to be insensitive to his situation, but big boy pants need coming on about now. He can start therapy or release tension through physical activities or explore other means of relaxation that does not involve possible addictions.
New baby is more important than what’s behind. What has happened, has already happened, only thing we can impact is the outlook and outcome of our future. The past is what it is.

You just need a workable back up plan so that you can relax for the next 3-4 weeks (at which point I think he really should be willing to cut out the drinking). If the taxi thing would work in your area, do that. Also, you may well get enough warning (contractions starting but not close together yet) for your parents to come over - unless there are concerns that mean you’ve been told to go straight to hospital if any signs of labour start.

I’d be more concerned about how DH feels he needs to drink that much due to a tragedy. Has he had alcohol problems before? Because you’d think he’d be worried about being drunk. Personally I’d never want my husband too drunk and unable to drive if there was no one else to support me when heavily pregnant, especially with another child to look after.