Support needed

[Latecomer81]

I know no one can tell me what to do but there’s such a wealth of experience on here I feel I need to hear some opinions. I’m nearly 43, 7 weeks pregnant with second child. My first will be turning 10 in Sept. We presumed we could not have anymore as we tried for a second for 7 years with absolutely no results. Now, with me feeling on the cusp of being too old, it happens. I’m terrified. This was something I would have been jumping up and down for joy with 4 years ago, but I’d made myself come to terms with that fact it wouldn’t happen, and it just feels too late now. I don’t think I could bear the guilt of terminating when it is something we both previously wanted, and my son especially wanted/wants a sibling. I’m just worried about being too tired, extra complications, unsettling my son, career stalling, all the worries you would expect to come from being an older mum and siblings with big age gaps. I feel so disappointed that this could have been a wonderful thing but the timing just tinges it with so much sadness, regret and confusion. Just needed to put it out there, if anyone has any advice 🙏🏼

@Latecomer81 No experience. All I would say is it sounds a bit like you need to take some time to process, speak to your partner and decide what's right for you and your family. Best of luck whatever you decide to do x

Hi, firstly congratulations! I’d say that all your worries are the same as many, many other women, including those younger than you. Given that you wanted a second and tried for so long, I’d be very surprised if in a few weeks/months time you’re not feeling a lot better about things, as I’m sure it was quite a shock! If it helps to know, my mum has brother 9 years younger than her and they are very close, despite living 100s miles apart they call each other every weekend and visit often.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I know I need some more time to get my head around it, I’d like to talk to more people but don’t want to tell anyone either. We have an early scan next week to see if anything is even there, I still can’t believe there is. Not really having any symptoms either. Maybe I’ll feel different if I see a heartbeat, because i only really feel dread at the moment, which is such a shame 😔

It won’t unsettle your son, why would it be any different to when he was 7 and you were trying?

thanks for your comment, User79853257976. I just think 3 years makes all the difference in terms of how much time they would have had to spend together as children, I think once my son reaches teenage years he’s not going to be interested in playing with a young child. It would have given them just that bit more time had he been 7 and not 10. Tbh this is me obsessing about numbers, I keep doing the maths, and freaking out. It’s quite typical of me to be that way. I’m trying my best not to and to see it as a complete blessing.

I don't know if it helps but I was nearly 10 and my brother was 11 when my sister was born and we both adored her and loved helping out looking after her, playing with her etc. My mum said it actually made her life easier having us there to help and babysit a few years down the line too 😂

That is lovely to hear, thank you! I can definitely see some benefits to having an older child around to help x

I agree with what someone else said. I was 10 when my youngest brother was born and I really enjoyed helping my mum with childcare. I even did babysitting when I was old enough!

I hope my son feels the same way! Thank you for sharing your experience

@Latecomer81 I would imagine this is a lot to process! Given you were waiting so long you had no doubt started to actively make peace with your family as it was, and focusing on the positives of that. I did similar last year after three MCs. I started to focus on 'well it might never happen' and then, when I fell pregnant again and it actually progressed, it threw me. I had to rewrite the future I had been preparing for all over again (tinged with the nerves of not quite daring to believe it and not wanting to lose all the progress I had made in making peace with my situation) - it's very vulnerable! So, give yourself time.

On another note, my stepdaughter was 11 when our son was born. She had wanted a sibling for years. They are super close despite the age gap! Of course it's not quite the same as little siblings at the same life stage and playing together etc but it brings its own lovely dynamic to the family. Our daughter has doted on our son since he was born and because of the age gap, she never felt threatened by his arrival - particularly as we were able to talk meaningfully about it all and reassure her etc. He's now 3 and gets so excited when she's here with us. At weekends he goes through to her room when he wakes up and they snuggle together in bed. She's babysat a couple of times. She also loves having a tiny person who dotes on her (her self-confidence has noticeably improved!). I think she's also quite glad now she's a teen that we have someone else demanding our attention and leaving her be a bit more 😂

If this little one is meant to be part of your family, please don't worry - it will all work out beautifully. 💗

That’s such a reassuring message, thank you. I need to stop obsessing about my age and the age gap, hopefully it will all become clear in the next week after the early scan.