Just had a baby and now I'm pregnant

[EJayne123]

Hello everyone.
I currently have three daughters
My youngest daughter is now 11 weeks old.

I have recently found out I am pregnant again and I am really happy but really nervous. I did want one more baby was thinking around the 1 year mark but it's happened.

I told my partner of 14 years I want to keep the baby and he basically has told me he doesn't want to and his say should count
I feel very torn as I don't think I can not go through with getting an abortion and I would never forgive him for making me go through that.

He says we would need a bigger car and house and that's why it's a no from him even though It is possible for us to do so.

I just wish he would be happy.

Really stressed as I know they would be close but they would be growing up together.

The only thing I am worried about is the dreaded morning sickness which I have made a gp appointment to help with that.

Has anyone had babies this close?
Or partner not agreed with their choice?

I think he has a point.

I'm assuming that neither of you used birth control and also that neither of you actively planned another child so what is to stop this happening again. And again. There does come a point where you have to really ask yourself is it in the best interests of the children you already to have to keep having more.

Of course this should have been decided before you got pregnant so now is the time to work out how you would live on your own with four children. Realistically, can you afford to do that without severe impact the the three children you already have?

I have 14 months between my youngest 2 it was fine, all boys in my house - all had own rooms but youngest 2 like to share. Your partner will either come round once it’s sunk in, or he won’t. It’s a shock when you’ve already got an 11 week old - my youngest was a surprise, but apart from one bigger car some extra baby stuff and a double buggy we didn’t need much else got most second hand and sold on afterwards. I hope it all works out for you, it’s a tough few years with 2 under 2 and 2 older ones but I have no regrets

I came here to say this.

His say did count.
His say counted a million percent because it wouldn't be biologically possible to become pregnant without it.

His say was when he chose to have sex without a condom.

Have you asked him why he did that?

I can completely understand why he wouldn’t want to go ahead as it’s soo soon & I can also understand why you’d want to go ahead. If you have an abortion you’ll likely resent him and if you don’t it’s very possible he’ll resent you.

I agree with a couple others in saying perhaps give him a bit of time, but I do think his pov should be taken into consideration as you'll both be taking on the added responsibility. Ultimately it is your body and therefore your decision, it’s just either way there will be consequences

Op I would be worried an unwanted termination would affect your mental health and negatively impact your ability to mother baby #3. Could you see yourself becoming depressed if you made a decision you didn’t want to make?

Have you heard of birth control OP

I agree that he should have worn a condom if he didn't want another baby. I'm assuming you did want another one?

Were you using contraception OP? It reads rather as if you wanted another child, he didn’t… what had you agreed prior to this happening? Did he think you were on the pill or something? Or was there a condom fail? Or was it totally unprotected sex?

To be honest though, it’s irrelevant whose “fault” it is you got pregnant. These decisions don’t go on what’s fair. There are two options - an abortion you don’t want or a child he doesn’t want, as you can’t make him want the child. So which is the least bad of these, do you think? Appreciate neither is a great option.

That sounds like wonderful news to me @EJayne123 , congratulations ♥️ the two little ones will be the best of friends..!

You've made clear you want your baby now it's here, and that's all that matters - what you want, your body. Maybe you can work through the things your OH is worried about and find some solutions but he can GF if he's pressuring you to make such a massive decision. A decision like that that you regret could ruin your life and make your parenting of your newest baby very difficult. Men may come and go - your children will be in your life forever. I know which I'd keep.

You can reuse all the stuff from current baby for new baby. Having them close together sounds loads easier to me. You're v lucky! Wishing you and babies the best ♥️

Why had he not had a vasectomy or why didn’t he use a condom??

I have a very small gap between my four children and it all worked out for the best. I have two 12 year olds who are nine months apart and a 9 and 10 year old who are 10 months apart.

It was hectic and chaotic, I had 4 babies in three years. Now, they are the best of friends, in to the same stuff and at the same stage of life. I feel very lucky to have them all even if it was not intentional:)

Can you afford it? And are you ok with the possibility of doing it without your partner? If so then go with what you want.

Four babies with a supportive partner who shares childcare and financial demands is still knackering but doable.

Four babies with no partner and little financial help is a completely different scenario.

This is not a decision to be taken lightly imo and it seems that OP has neglected to take into account the needs of the children she already has. It's a mess tbh. Unless he comes around to the idea, OP and her children are possibly going to find themselves in a very difficult situation.

OP permitted him to not use a condom . Like I said previously, contraception is a joint responsibility

Why would his opinion matter?
presumably he had sex with a very fertile woman without using contraception or getting a vasectomy.
and now that’s your problem to sort for him?

preventing a pregnancy is not the same decision as ending one, and since that is literally your decision - you have to consent to that procedure, not him - your sacrifices and choices are not equal.
so no, his say isn’t equal.

What a nonsense, surface level argument. It sounds rational until you think about it for a millisecond.
its much easier to stamp your foot and say ‘but I want you to get an abortion’
than it is to get an abortion, so it’s nonsense to pretend that their responsibility or ‘vote’ is equal.

Op is the one who will be pregnant, and birth a child, and statistically is most likely to take the lions share of raising that child.
or she will be the one to decide on and consent to an abortion, to put her body through that and to live with that decision ultimately being made by her.
so either way op is taking responsibility for the consequences of their joint responsibility.

I'm 100% pro choice and that mothers decision trumps all at the end of the day but I can also appreciate why he might be daunted by another pregnancy and another baby when you're only 11 weeks post partum, you're both probably very much in the thick of it with sleep deprivation, mountains of washing, you recovering etc etc.

I think you try and get at least your older two babysat if you can and sit down together the two of you and give space at the table to go through your fears and worries. It's one thing if he just doesn't want a 4th at all, but it's another if he's just worried about money or you recovering if it was a tough pregnancy etc which you can maybe work through together.

Did you have a c section with number 3?

I think you need to work out exactly what his worries are and then tell him exactly how you are feeling and your worries about the impact on your relationship and your mental health if you were to have an abortion. I'd tell him you need and want his support and you'd rather work through the concerns as a team rather than jumping straight to abortion.

I think you both need to take time with this..I remember when ds as around that age and I was so in love with the baby bubble that I'd have jumped at another one whereas now that he's a little bigger I'd be more hesitant. So you both deserve to take some time and process this.

Its so so easy to get caught out post partum and he should have worn a condom so it's really not enough for him to just shut down on this when you're both equally responsible.