Struggling with PTSD after childbirth

[SquashPenguin]

I had my baby girl just over two weeks ago. For a bit of back story she took us almost 6yrs and a lot of IVF to conceive. I am incredibly thankful for her.

My pregnancy was very straight forward. The usual sickness and lots of other fun symptoms, but we were otherwise healthy with no complications. I went into labour just before midnight and around 4am it suddenly ramped up and baby stopped moving. We went to hospital and within minutes the midwife had pulled the emergency alarm. Contractions were almost back to back with no relief, I could barely register what was going on. Next thing I knew I had a pen in my hand to sign a consent form and my clothes were being pulled off and replaced with a hospital gown. I was propped up for a spinal block and an emergency section carried out Immediately. Baby was very ill and oxygen starved. A whole team of people began working on her and she was taken to SCBU to assess for brain damage.

We were in hospital for five days. Luckily she is absolutely fine and made a good recovery, but I am really struggling with the chain of events. I was determined not to have a section. I’m not sleeping at night because I’m constantly reliving it all. I can see the emergency switch and my baby being taken away over and over again. It was 12 hours before i was able to even touch her. We thought at one point she wasn’t going to survive and I’ve found my partner in tears since telling me he thought he would lose me as well.

My midwife has been amazing checking up on me and very caring. I can’t get a GP appt for love nor money. Whilst I’m besotted with my little girl I feel totally lost and sad. I cry in the shower and whenever I’m alone. I feel so robbed of any meaningful birth experience. Not holding her, no skin to skin, none of the things people go on about. I keep questioning how good a mum I actually am for being like this. I’m jealous of pregnant people, ignorance was total bliss when I was pregnant. I’m sick of people asking when I’m having another baby. There will never be another one, I can’t have any more.

I feel like such a failure. I know I need to see a GP so that isn’t helping. I’m lying awake in bed now replaying it all, I can’t stop crying 😭

Oh OP my second birth was awful and traumatic and resulted in an apology from the hospital for serious failings.. I wouldn’t say I’m over it but a debrief really helped, plus keeping busy with baby groups and outings so I didn’t have too much time to dwell on things. Perhaps you could contact your midwife and ask for an appointment to talk through what happened? 💐

Didn't want to read & run. I can relate with you so much, as I too had an emergency c section last Thursday after being in labour for 24 hours. This is also my first baby and I really wanted to give birth vaginally.

I'm also crying and having flashbacks. It's horrible isn't it. Hope you feel better soon.

I had acute traumatic stress after being in a fatal RTC it lasts about a month. The GP recommended lots of short day time naps to help the brain process what happened as a long sleep at night is likely to be an issue as adrenaline etc prevent the processing. The flash backs stopped just short of a month

You may have been robbed of the birth you dreamed of - I had that birth and can barely remember any of it now anyway, but what you got instead is a lovely, healthy baby to take home and your own health. Pregnancy and birth is still massively dangerous for mothers and baby's and we aren't used to the risk in our world of modern medicine and assume everything will be alright. Thankfully the team acted swiftly and you are both ok.

I had my baby by an emergency cesarean,babys heart rate dropped, and I was rushed down for surgery.My contractions were so painful and no break in between.I asked for pethidine(after 4 previous births using gas and air)and within 10 minutes I had an epidural.By the time the baby was born I was woozy and pretty out of it.I spent weeks crying in the shower.I knew it was bad when I thought to myself 'shall I have a quick cry now,or a longer one later'.I didn't go to the doctor,I just carried on and after a few weeks I felt much better and happier.Thats not to say you shouldn't go if you feel you should-if you explain to the receptionist why,would the doctor see you quicker?Normally with post natal depression/help/care,the doctor tends to prioritise.

Please ignore those random links-ive no idea how I am sending those 😂

Right ok.

Firstly you said you were determined not to have a C-section. Why? They are a great way to see baby in to the world. Many many mothers beg for one and get turned down.

You needed a c-section

There is so much stigma around C-sections it’s still getting in women’s heads. When we should be looking at that it was a successful birth.

The events that happened afterwards could have happened with a vaginal birth.

This is still very raw. Your still healing physically and emotionally it takes up to two years for you to feel ‘normal’ again

I had a ‘bad’ birth. Emergency section. I could feel the my tummy and had a panic attack and tried to sit up and push the barrier over. They put me to sleep and when I woke up my DH was crying his eyes out. Should have had a blood transfusion but I was on the cusp and was very weak and poorly afterwards.

Felt like an alien for ages after. BUT it does will get better. You’re only 2 weeks in. Your body is adjusting to the loss of hormones

This was traumatic for you but don’t let it override your enjoyment of your new baby. Speak to your health visitor, midwife, gp. Go to baby groups and chat with the other mums who went through the similar.

There are Facebook groups for birth trauma that you can talk on.

You will be ok x You

I know how you feel, but I promise it will get easier.

I had a similar experience (and also couldn’t breastfeed). I felt terrible trauma, guilt, shame and sadness for a long time.

But you know what? DS is now 9. He’s alive because I did what i needed to do, signed that consent form for surgery, fed him with a bottle when he needed it. I did those things, which were hard and upsetting for me, because I’m a good mother.

You did the same. You courageously underwent major surgery to bring your beautiful little girl into the world safely. You sacrificed the birth experience you wanted to keep her safe. That makes you a wonderful mother, a warrior. A mother who experienced the unpredictable, scary, traumatic side of birth and survived, when many of her ancestors may not have been so lucky. A mother who did whatever was necessary to ensure her baby’s wellbeing 💐

You would have been a good mother if you wanted a c-section or didn’t want to breastfeed.

Society and social media puts too much pressure on labouring mums. Labour is still actually very dangerous and if mum comes away with a live baby that is feeding - it was successful x 💐

op I was similar. It was really dreadful. Honestly I have never fully “gotten over it”. I did however, go on to have two more babies. I was super nervous and they made special accommodations for us as a result of how much I struggled with what I will describe as sheer terror of giving birth. But as above, a debrief was very helpful in the sense it gave me a voice too and although I found it hard to relive the birth, it also gave me comfort that my feelings were valid if that makes sense. We did however have grounds for and put in a complaint as there were many failings in care at the time. It’s truly awful op you are so soon after the birth but it does get easier even if the impact of it never fully leaves. I intend to get some therapy to try just come more to peace with my feelings on the experience. I should have gotten it long ago really but I didn’t. The heartbreak of your baby being taken away and not being able to hold them is awful. And you are shell shocked aswell for ages after.

Can you ask your midwife to try and escalate a Dr’s appointment? It sounds like you would benefit from some medical intervention as well as counselling. I’m sorry you were traumatised by this. It’s actually a very logical response to such a frightening situation. In the meantime, what might help is holding your baby and while you look at her, remind yourself that she’s okay. You’re okay. You’re both here to be there for each other and you are so lucky to live in the 21st Century so that you had access to the emergency care that got both of you here. Remind yourself that you are holding a happy, healthy baby, who has a healthy mum who adored her and start making plans for memories you will have with her in the future.
BTW, I think that SM has put so much pressure on mums to have a “natural” pregnancy and childbirth experience. If you don’t emerge from your natural childbirth glowing like a yoga goddess on an endorphin high, you feel like a failure. Life is very rarely Instagram worthy. The pressure to produce Instagram “memories” sometimes minimizes the true reality in which the ultimate goal is to have a healthy baby and a healthy mum.

Your feelings are totally justified

What isn't justified is the romanticisation of childbirth.

It's a long, painful event. A section is the safest form of delivery, a vaginal birth isn't moon beams and flowers dancing in the background, it's extremely dangerous for mother and baby.

You are safe, your baby is safe and you will recover.

💐

Oh god how traumatic I'm So sorry you had to go through that , I think you would benefit from speaking to someone about so counselling maybe ask your midwife about it ? I don't think a Gp will be the kind of help you need other than start you on medication say to help nerves etc . I know it's easier said than done but try focus on the fact your baby is here and well and safe and so are you . And rest try get enough rest which again easier said than done I'm awake at 3.30am with a newborn right now but being sleep deprived will not help your state of mind in the least x

I had e m d r therapy for ptsd after childbirth. It worked very well. I am not sure if you I can have it so soon after the event but it works.

Could you ask your health visitor to help to arrange a doctor's appointment? Mine rang for me and was very insistent that I needed to see a doctor that day. The receptionist wasn't particularly impressed I don't think but made the appointment.
My doctor really stressed the point that when something traumatising happens, it's normal to feel traumatised by it and need help to process that trauma.
I hope you get some help and start to feel better soon.

OP please look up the Birth Trauma Association as they have lots of helpful support and advice on there and when you’re able to get an appointment, ask your GP if you can go on a waiting list for EMDR therapy (or pay privately if you can afford)- this is recommended in the NICE guidelines as effective for birth trauma.

Your partner may also need to access therapy to process things as it sounds like it’s been a traumatic experience for both of you. Maybe he could try and sort out the GP appointment if you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

What you are feeling is a very normal response to an extremely traumatic event- things will get better but please know that you are not alone and you are definitely not a failure! For starters you have just brought new life into the world which is an amazing achievement- don’t ever lose sight of this. I hope you can start to go a bit easier on yourself op and do please push for the support you need to get through this difficult time ❤️

I kept waking up shaking with flashbacks for six months after birth. In time it faded into the past so I mostly don't think about it now. You've been through a terrifying ordeal, and deserve a lot of tlc. I'd say try plenty of anything that normally soothes you or cheers you up- baths, massage, yoga, walking, naps, hugs, pets, friends, green spaces, seaside, help with housework, time off from baby duty, music, telly- whatever appeals to you, treat yourself you deserve it. You are lucky enough to have a wonderful new baby to enjoy and you deserve to feel relaxed and happy enough to start enjoying the here and now.

So sorry to read this!

Oddly, I had a very similar thing happen to me when my daughter came prematurely in January last year.
Except the spinal didn't work so I had a general, and woke up to no baby and no idea where she was as she'd been taken to SCBU.

I felt very similarly.
The best I can say is lean in to it. Allow yourself to feel the feelings, and embrace that you experienced a hard thing so it's allowed to feel hard (same goes for newborn life!).

Time truly was the healer.
Some of my feelings were clearly the normal newborn emotions (because that's hard too!) that were being funnelled towards judging myself etc, but the others became calmer the more distance we got from the event.

Over the months, I began to accept that all that mattered was that she was here, I was here and we were both working this stuff out together!

Also, be careful what you read!
My thirst for information had me googling 'do c section babies do X' 'how are they impacted' 'do they crawl later' etc, whenever something seemed off, as a new way to blame myself.
The internet will always give you the answers you look for, rather than the true answers.
So just don't look!

The how, when and why of our choices with babies seem so important when they're tiny, but they get to a point where you can't even tell, and nobody else cares...and that happens really quickly in baby land as our lives all move on so quickly.

By all means, speak to people, and even professionals if you feel you need it.
I spoke a lot.
But time and acceptance were the only things that really changed things for me.

It’s very very early days for you op. You are exhausted, recovering from major surgery, and your hormones are insane.

Give it time and some thoughts will calm down. It will be good to do birth reflections.

Something to reframe in terms of your thoughts, as PPs have said, is your determination not to have a c section. No one can be ‘determined’ not to have a c section. Ask yourself what advice you’d give yourself in this situation. I had 2 sections, first was because i went to 42 weeks and baby was in distress after failed induction. And second was transverse. Literallt impossible to birth naturally. So what would you advise me in those situations? C sections are needed. No one failed.

OP I’m so sorry. I had birth trauma after my first baby after also signing the consent form and being taken to theatre. I didn’t have a section but did have intervention. I’m not surprised you’re traumatised, I’m glad your baby is healthy and safe but your trauma is real and very justified. Could your health visitor refer you for urgent trauma counselling? By the time you’ve recovered physically you’ll hopefully get an appointment to be seen. It’s all still very raw just now for you, just take care of yourself and remember your as much as a priority as baby is. Wishing you all the best and congratulations on your new addition x

I didn't face the emergency situation you did, but I also had my much awaited ivf baby by a very unwanted section. Mine was planned because there was a problem with blood flow through my placenta and they needed to get her out at 34 weeks. She was iugr. She was whisked away to nicu and we were not sure for a long time if the blood flow issue meant she would be brain damaged. I had no skin to skin and a bad reaction to something they gave me during the section so I couldn't be wheeled down to see her until the next morning.

I was also traumatised by it. She is an only as I couldn't face all that again, possibly with a different outcome for the baby (my daughter seems fine but we were worried for years).

Time definitely helps. I also found talking about the experience, with real life friends or online, cathartic.

I could have written your post a few years ago and it made me very sad to read it.

My eldest son, now aged 8 was born via emergency c section after a very long and complicated labour which resulted in me being very unwell. There was meconium in my waters which he ended up ingesting so he had to be taken to nicu straight after birth, an infection in my uterus which ended up in me getting taken to hospital via ambulance not even 48 hours after being discharged and I also haemorrhaged in the operating theatre during the c section and lost 1950ml of blood ending in a blood transfusion and a stay in the high dependency unit.

I had post natal depression as a result, I found it incredibly difficult to bond with my baby. I was put on antidepressants for 6 months and was then put on anti anxiety medication for a further 2 years due to PTSD. For a whole 2 years I had nightmares about us both dying and I lost who I was for a very long time.

I promise you it does get better, you will recover and you will learn to deal with it. It's a horrific experience but you both are here and you are both ok.

Five years after my ordeal I went on to have another baby via elective c section and he's now 3 and I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my third. It will be ok op, I promise it doesn't feel like it right now but you will get through this.