i dont think i want this baby

[ki55b3x]

so i met my partner in 2022, id known him for years but we lost touch and did our own thing, i had my son in 2009 to my ex partner whom i split with in 2012, my son is going to be 15 in december this year, i stayed single for 10 years bringing up my son on my own, but then out of the blue met who im with now, our relationship was lovely ay first and wr considered trying for a baby, it never happened, he started showing me red flags becoming manipulating and violent, long story short ive found out im 8 weeks pregnant, he has 3 other children from different mothers a 19 yr old 13 and 9, and has been to prison previously for domestic abuse, so im now quite weary of him.. i suffer with my mental health and i. really not happy at my age of 38 to be going through single parent hood alone if i need to.. i know i need to abort this baby but why am i feeling so guilty about it

It’s such an emotional decision OP but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You need to put yourself first. It would be very hard raising this baby alone with an abusive ex in the picture.

the thing is i dont just get abuse from him i get abuse from hes ex partners aswell when i go to collect hes kids for him as he is not allowed near the mothers i bend over backwards to help out and just get abused, he said he would be there for me whatever my decision but then yold me he would have to end the relationship because he wouldnt be able to look at me in the same way 😒

Just ditch him.
And consider termination.

i think im going to have to, so hard i cant talk to friends as they either dont agree with termination or say u dont need a man to bring up a baby.. but i know my mental health will suffer either way but id think id rather enjoy my 40s than go back to being a new mum again.. will hurt either way

Quite honestly @ki55b3x this relationship was always going to be a problem, he's violent, he even went to prison for abuse, yet you thought he'd be different with you?? Men like him don't change Op, he's just learnt to hide it a little better so he doesn't end up in prison again. Please Op, don't listen to the blackmail about "never seeing you the same way", who is he to judge you, have the termination or you'll be tied to him for years.

@Daleksatemyshed yea thats 100% right i thought he would be different with me as we were best friends all them years ago, and over the last 6 months he has done things to me that i should have ended it for, smashed my home up, grabbed me up and acted very immaturely, i dont feel guilty for me i feel guilty aborting a baby if you know wjat i mean.. but deep down i know its the right thing to do x

Don't feel guilty @ki55b3x , I know the thought of termination seems harsh but you need to balance it against your quality of life, if he's behaving badly now I guarantee you he'd get worse after the baby.
The only thing you're guilty of is thinking that because you were friends he'd be better with you but he's already proved that wrong. Sadly, too many women give men the benefit of the doubt- they think he'll be nicer with them

Please don't have a baby with this man. The baby will suffer and so will you. He's a violent abusive prick and escaping from this relationship is what you need for your safety and sanity. In this situation I would also consider termination. I hope you can find the help and support that you deserve

thankyou for your comments it seems so much clearer what i need to do when you hear it outloud from others.. as much ad this is going to pain me i have yo do whats right for me.. thankyou ❤️❤️

Just think - if your own mother who you love was in a similar position and felt she couldn't go ahead with the pregnancy you wouldn't want her to do so. So your little pregnancy that is still a tiny embryo would feel the same about you - it would want you to keep yourself safe and do what you need to do to survive and be free from this abuser and enjoy your life with your existing kids.

You should call Marie stopes and ask for their free decision counselling they are lovely

Ps I have a baby with a narcissist controlling bully and I deeply deeply regret choosing him as the father of my child (he also pretended to be princess charming for a year) x

@Unexpectedlysinglemum that is 100% right, so an update from my op.. i am booked in for a consultation on monday to have a scan and discuss my surgical procedure, thankyou for your all for your input, i have to do whats right for me at my stage of life.. as heartbreaking as it is ❤️

Please don't feel guilty @ki55b3x . A termination is a valid choice for any woman to take.

I am really glad you have booked in for an appointment - you are saving yourself being tied to am abusive man for the rest of your life.

Please leave this complete dickhead

Stop collecting his kids they are nothing to do with you. Did you call the police when he smashed your home up. hoping you don't live with him.

@Bananalanacake i know i just thought i was being helpful and tbh the abuse i have taken from him and hes exes has really helped with my decision, he begged me not to go to the police so i didnt he saod he would go prison again.. i have told him the next time he squares up to me or touches anything in my home he is gone anyway.. he stays at my house but its my house he isnt on the tenancy and i feel if i have this baby he would trap me

Put yourself and your son first.

@Pipsquiggle he keeps telling me bot to terminate the baby bit i know if i dont i will be trapped by him and i dont need that at my age.. im young enough to meet people and know i dont want a baby at this stage in life, he will probably leace me once ive done it but i would say to that.. that i made the right decision.. he ended it with me last week by a note ledt on my kitchen table.. then begged for me back.. i dont care if i split from him without baby as there is no ties.. i just dont want to be tied to him.. i have bent over backwards to help with hes kids yet it always gets thrown in my face and hes exes are fuckin vile.. and he just says ignore them.. only so much ignoring you can do ive already threatened to knock them both out.. and that will come if it doesnt stop.

Oh what a stressful time for you!

I don't think it's my place to tell you what to do, but it sounds like you've made a wise decision. I don't have anything like that going on in my life and I wouldn't have another baby at my age. Like you, I've got a teenage DS and I'm roughly the same age as you. I'm just too old (and tired!) to start the baby stage over again now. If I had the extra challenges you had, I would absolutely go for the termination.

So please don't beat yourself up. You're being really sensible 🌺

Look after yourself

It is natural to feel guilty/sad etc. An abortion is not a 'nice' thing and you can probably look back and see how this situation might have been avoided 'if only', hindsight is a marvellous thing and all that.
Doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do though, and from this point on seems the only sensible decision, given everything you describe.
Hard choices leave their mark, all you can do is make the best choices you can from the only moment that counts - the present.

Everything you say about how he behaves is hair curlingly horrible by the way.
Your desire to want to get away from him is spot on.

He is abusing you.

Given his history, social services intervention seems likely which would just be about her thing for you to have to deal with.

You are doing the right thing. Don't discuss it with him and get him out of your life op.

Sorry that was quite abrupt. Your first responsibility is to your son and yourself, making sure that your lives are safe and reasonably palatable.
Please take other's judgements, demands or ideals out of the equation. Bringing up a child without a father is far from easy, as you know.
Saying he will be there to 'support you whatever your decision' really means 'nothing to do with me, it's your choice'. I don't know what support he brings in your life right now but it is unlikely to improve, see his past relationships.

It's also very important that you think about your son, how this would impact his life and your relationship with him. This is not an easy place to be but you know all the emotional, financial and material elements of your life, use them to guide your decision. All the very best OP. x