DH behaviour this time round (pregnancy)

[Todaysthedayhey]

Sorry I don’t know if this belongs in parenting or here but as it’s about my current pregnancy I’ve gone with it!

I have a history of losses, one lovely little toddler and I’m 3 months pregnant.
My DH, who is usually a wonderful guy but a bit selfish from time to time (in his genes lol) and careless has been so different this pregnancy.

last pregnancy with my toddler he was amazing, couldn’t do enough for me! I feel like he has just checked out, can’t be bothered this time round. I’m not asking to be waited upon hand and foot but simple things like understanding how exhausted I am, not putting me in situations where I’m having to deal with in-laws (we have a strained relationship), massages (if I’m in pain/achey) - it’s all just too much for him. Last time he couldn’t do enough!! I wouldn’t let him do everything - but it was the fact he was so willing and attentive.

we got pregnant this time because he really wanted another, I wasn’t so fussed. Happy with one, given our history too it was a blessing to have our child successfully. So for me, I feel like he’s getting what he wants (don’t get me wrong I want this baby too! But I was fine with just one too) and now I’m less important/of a concern to him - I don’t know how to explain it.

i have addressed it with him. He never really responds.

are men just like this?
im honestly so fed up. We have argued so much this pregnancy, if im feeling rough (first trimester has been hell!) he doesn’t have anything to say except “you’ll be ok” “you’ll get over it” and then still expects me to do my usual stuff.
Napping with my toddler is such an irritant to him. He thinks I’m wasting my time… hello I’m growing another human here.

he does spend time with our little one but naturally he is a mamas boy - i leave them to have time together etc. but i do tend to bear the load. Hes a great dad, no denial there at all.

i went through a very traumatic birth experience too, he was equally traumatised, I thought he would’ve been a little more considerate here following what I’d been through - and I finally agreed to go through it all again!!

Not sure what I’m asking here - maybe is this men? Or am I expecting too much? How can I fix it?

No this isn't all men. I would be clear that you need a bit more empathy from him, and if that fails book yourself in for a massage or night away at a friend's house so you get some uninterrupted rest

It actually really pissed me off when I read he says you are wasting your time when you nap with your toddler. I have a 2 year old and I need to nap most of the days to get through to bedtime. And I am not pregnant.
Probably not being as excited about this second pregnancy as the first is understandable but the way he treats you is just unacceptable. I would be blunt and tell him that. And tell him what you need from him. And that you created this baby together but it's you who carries and has to go through labour so he needs to be there and support you.

Did he really want a second child, or did he just want lots of sex?

Now you're pregnant and (understandably) dwindled, has your sec life fizzled out a bit?

I only ask because my friend's husband was similar and at some point he said words to the effect of "trying to make the baby was fun, the rest of it not so much" and then he claimed he was joking, but actually lots of his other behaviour made her think he meant it.

@S00tyandSweep his libido is much much lower than mine so defo child not sex 😅

ExH and I have 4 children together and he was very attentive the first time round doing all he could to support me.
Second he was less so but would still fetch me things so I didn't have to get up and did the same while I was BF like fetch me drinks etc.
3rd and 4th it dwindled right off during the pregnancy but he did the same when BF, getting me drinks and making me sandwiches etc.
He was there and supportive for each birth though and never once during the pregs or births did he criticise me

But with the pregs I did feel like his attitude was somewhat "been there, done that"

HI, dear. Please stay strong and let yourself to have more rest. Men, they do not understand a lot of the time!! We just need their support and to help around things without asking.

My DH also is super super lazy. We are trying for our second child and are in the mist of arranging to move into our new house. I am in the TWW and he still ask me to move boxes with his mom, all because he is lazy. Even after I told him I might have a baby inside already.

So, yea, it is definitely not your fault. We need to be patient with them. Just remind them (like a child) to help around the house works.

Take yourself off to your mum’s and leave him with the toddler.
I went to my mum’s and I was 40🫢🤣DH worked away a lot at the time and I just wanted the company for DDog as all I did was walk him and sleep for the last month. DM loved it.

DH cleaned and decorated with me and DDog out of the way (lab and wet paint don’t mix) so once baby was born there was nothing major for us to do. We still had date nights etc and he would come over and stay with DM too.

Once baby was born I took it easy for the first few weeks.

I couldn’t be bothered with someone making me a sandwich or tea- I’ll do that. Give them something to do that really helps like cleaning, tidying, washing, taking the other children out etc.

In my second pregnancy was DH was odd; it was almost like he didn’t want another baby despite being all for it. Looking back on it we thought we’d lost the baby early on and we’d also had a very traumatic experience with our first DC where both me and DC nearly died so I think after we nearly lost the pregnancy he retreated into himself almost like he was scared this wouldn’t work out well and was protecting himself as after our second was born he was great.
All that sounds like I’m excusing the behaviour which I’m not but I wonder if there’s more to it. Also my DH realised how much I did for our DC when suddenly I was resting a lot more!

My husband was definitely less attentive second time around because he had a toddler to run after and was tired (& so did I). Plus he just didn't seem as worried or concerned I guess cause he was preoccupied and not as anxious second time around. Other people are too. It think it's fairly standard. Everyone fusses around a first time mum and when you have your second it's not as exciting for people and they think your fine as you've done it all before but actually it's so much harder cause you've a child to look after.

That's definitely not normal or nice behaviour. I'm sorry.

Keep trying to talk to him. Perhaps let him know that given he is so different this pregnancy but he can't see it or acknowledge it, that you would support him going to therapy to see if the birth trauma or other pregnancy losses are impacting him.

I'd also step back, do less for the family and do much less for him. If he can't give you the rest you need, then just take it. Make simple healthy meals just for your toddler and you. Nap with the toddler every day. Stop doing the dishes. Actions speak louder. You can say you struggling but if he sees it then it's harder to ignore. He needs to step up now. It's only going to get more full on as you get more pregnant and then when you have a toddler and new born. Call him on it now... with actions if needed and not with speaking (until he's willing to speak).

Yeah it was less each pregnancy. No help by third pregnancy!!

I’m currently pregnant with baby no.2 too and I don’t think it’s just my partner who is acting or feeling a bit like this. I found that in general a lot of the excitement from others (possibly even myself) has gone and there is an attitude of just getting on. I don’t think that is an excuse for specific behaviours but it does just all feel very different this time round!