Constant broodiness is getting me down. I'm 31, should I be pregnant?

[megadreamer8]

I (31F) feel intense feelings of broodiness yet I am not ready to have a baby just yet. I know, at my age!!! People have told me to just get pregnant because "times ticking", but I just would like some money behind me to be ready plus I have a needle phobia that I'm waiting to get some CBT therapy for as this is a part of pregnancy that worries me.
I don't know how to overcome the broody feelings, they genuinely get me down. And it's basically have a baby when I need more time or getting a dog (it worked in my twenties). Help!!! 😆

Last year I had an accidental pregnancy which resulted in an early miscarriage. I was so stressed when I found out as I wasn't ready (Both me and my partner are mature students) but naturally I felt protective over the pregnancy and it made me realise it's something I definitely want, despite fears.

I'm about to finish uni, trying to concentrate is a task. All I think about is baby names and babies. Or I'm looking at puppies online. I feel so annoyed at myself for feeling like this. I have adhd/ocd and become very obsessed with one idea before moving on to the next idea, but I don't think this is a phase, as it's been ongoing for awhile.

Is it the ticking clock? My partner is 36 and he wants kids but he doesn't feel the broodiness like me. He is so chill.

We are not ready - neither of us are settled in a career and I need to find a way to get rid of this feeling so I can concentrate on myself for a bit longer before babies.

I’m 36 and pregnant with my first, and even when we were trying to conceive I still didn’t feel ready! Even now at 23 weeks with a very much planned for pregnancy I’m still like, “Wtf am I meant to do with a baby??”

You seem to have 2 competing issues. One is the societal pressure that you “should” be having a baby by now, which I completely understand because I felt that for years too. It felt like all my friends had babies, and I was the one risking not being able to have one if I left it too long.

The other is what you call your broodiness, your inner want for a baby. I would say that because you’re also saying “or a puppy”, that suggests the inner want isn’t necessarily to reproduce and have a child; it’s to have something or someone to love and nurture.

My advice would be to sit with your partner and make a plan. What do you want your future to look like? Do you have goals you want to hit before starting a family? Do you want to be married first? What do you want your finances to look like? What’s your ideal timescale? I’m assuming you haven’t been studying for years just to have a piece of paper saying “well done” - so what are your plans once you graduate? How would a baby affect those?

Having a plan made me feel so much better, because I felt in control of something that so many people don’t feel that in control of. If you’re concerned about your fertility go to see a doctor and get some piece of mind about that to help you.

Oh and maybe get the puppy - we got a cat as part of our interim plan before having the baby and she is honestly the best thing in our lives!

I think it's fairly typical for most women to feel a sense of urgency and an intense drive towards having children which typically surpasses those experienced by men. These overwhelming feelings, are experienced by neurotypical women all the time and society just calls it broodiness.

I didn't have any patience for waiting once I hit that phase of wanting kids. I tried with the usual raft of delay tactics and distraction techniques but with not much success. Which was just as well, because it took almost two years to fall pregnant with my first.

Aw congratulations!

Thank you for your help. Ideally the plan is: graduate this year, go on holiday, start working again in a job that has some prospects, save up money and prepare myself to apply to study a masters next year. The job I want requires this masters so it would be hard to get into without it. And I need to prepare a lot to have a shot at it (especially saving money).

My partner hopefully should graduate next year and then get into the job that suits his degree. If all goes as planned.

So for the next year we need to be focused. And I obviously don't want to have a baby during my masters because 1) time concentrating on the course would be impacted and 2) unpredictability of how I'd feel pregnant/as a new mum and 3) money. Also, baby brain!!!!! I've heard so much about it. I have adhd so my memory and processing isn't the best as it is, I really want to prioritise learning whilst my brain isn't affected by baby hormones haha.

So basically this takes me to 34 before I'm even potentially in a career that my masters would be taking me into (a very niche career too, so not many jobs about, a risky choice to make but I know it would be ideal for me).

Then I think the other option is: work, save, focus on me this next year. Then plan a baby. Have baby..take time out of work.then go for a masters. It's just the juggling and I really don't want to rely on family to help me..

Haha, it's tough to wait once you know what you want 😁

I feel like broodiness is downplayed, because it affects me so much. Takes over my thoughts when I need to be thinking of other things.

If you are sure that you want children to be part of your future, I personally wouldn’t wait longer. We were 2+ years to conceive our first and then 3 years for our second which ended with fertility treatment. None of our children arrived at a great time because we had to wait so long that things changed. With my first I was halfway through uni, having given up a secure job to retrain because I’d held on to the secure job for the baby but couldn’t put my life on hold anymore. With my second I had just started a new job and found out that I was pregnant the day Covid hit. Both times we had the perfect situation but had to move on as it took so long to get pregnant. Even though both times weren’t great timing wise, everything worked out in the end.

I have a close friend who waited until everything was perfect to start trying. She was late 30s and after a few years of trying she had several failed rounds of IVF and has now given up on hopes of being a mum as she is mid-late 40s.

I am not trying to be negative, but TTC isn’t always a straightforward things and really if you know that you 100% want children, then I would just go for it.

You never feel ready. You never have enough money as spending and lifestyle increases as you earn more. I would ask myself in 15 years time would you be happy with your dream career and no baby, or a baby and not in your dream career. - In fact it is the question I asked myself when I found out I was pregnant at 23. As it turns out I had DD, then did an OU degree, started one career and then changed industry's. Having one child and your life gets back on track relatively quickly, it's when you add multiple it becomes more of a juggling task.

If you know that you want children in your life I wouldn't wait. Having a child has an expiration date, having a career does not.

That is really helpful thank you.

I receive mixed messages. When I was pregnant last year my mum told someone that I was going to be quite an older mum. I remember thinking 'I've just turned 31, what are you on about?'
Then one of my friends reassured me by telling me her mum had her at 39.

I am quite younger than many my age, people still think I'm mid twenties. I have taken my time growing up I say. But I am definitely not naive to the fact that fertility isn't guaranteed. My cousin is 36 and pregnant with her first through ivf, so that's made me a little aware of time too.

I'd like a year of saving at least. I'm also a little overweight so I want to get into shape to give my body and baby the best chance. I just wish I could find a way to hold off the feelings without getting a dog haha.

Please don’t feel pressured into TTC but equally I don’t think you ever feel ready. I’m expecting our first at 33, but I’ve never felt broody, and I’m not that interested in others babies or kids! Do be prepared it’s not always straightforward, and age is a factor but that’s more in later 30s. It’s very common to take a year to conceive. If everything is ok with you both, leaving it a year or two won’t make much difference.

also this is such a weird thing to say, I’d say 31 is young for a first baby, in my circles! “my mum told someone that I was going to be quite an older mum. I remember thinking 'I've just turned 31, what are you on about?' “

"Broodiness" is just a combination of emotions, and absolutely NOT the right reason to make a major life decision.
If and when the time is right for both of you, then you'll know. And you have many, many years to go yet.

Broodinness is defiantly a thing. A biological urge - hard to explain and hard to ignore.
It's not a head thing, not rational - apart perhaps from a physical biological point of view.
I don't think I felt 100% ready either, having a Baby is life changing and a bit of a shock no matter how planned.
PP advice about planning is good, definitely want to be in work and have secure housing but also don't overplan or over think. It's a balance.

No one can get it perfectly right. I felt the same. You need a plan. A clear timeline to start trying, that will take it off your mind. There's too much uncertainty in your timeline right now - it's basically when you're 36 at the earliest which is late ( you need to factor in getting a job, staying in it for a while before you can get pregnant).

Also, my mum had me while she was doing her masters- she took a short break, then went back. If your DH is settled into a job at that point, you should go ahead and start trying.

Babies/toddlers don't need much and they are very happy in childcare from very early on. It's actually easier when they're little to stick them in nursery and study for 8 hours a day.

This is relieving. In my area most have had kids by my age it seems. I'm one of the last of my school friends to not have children. My mum had me at 19 and then her last baby at 34. She said she felt a huge difference between being a young mum and an older one. More tired and less energy. She regards me as old 😅

Thank you for the reassurance. Tbh I'm not sure how to overcome them without having a baby. They literally take over my thoughts every day. Constantly looking at baby names and daydreaming. It's really annoying haha. I was like this on and off in my twenties but I had a dog which helped.

The average age of the first time mum is a little under 31 years and more women have children after 35 than before 25. But obviously, fertility isn't endless and it brings more risks and challenges as to you age.

The problem is that you just don’t know if all is ok until you try. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you get pregnant for the first time after 35 then you get the lovely title 'elderly primigravida' which is always a bit of a shock to the system.

I am 40 and pregnant with my 1st after 12 years of trying via various fertility treatments. 28 year old me wasn't really ready and I think if we had started later we would have been in more of a rush or it just wouldn't have happened who knows. You can plan to a certain extent but nothing is certain. Also at 40 I was scared I'd be treated differently or there would be lots of risks but I'm 36+3 weeks now and havent had any negativity or age related issues.

I don't think you will ever be ready. Yes, you will finish your studies, and then you will need to find a job. Work there for 2 years to get maternity, you might want to save up for a home, etc....there always will be something.

I got pregnant at 32 by accedend in the middle of my PhD. (self funded). Freaked out as it was bad timing, but after having an mmc, I realised I wanted a baby more than anything. Thankfully, I got pregnant 5 months later, and now I have an amazing little 2 and a half years old.
Yes, I had to go part time with my PhD and it wasn't easy but I just submitted this week (I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my second baby) and I'm so glad I didn't wait longer to start a family.

Like everything, you will make it work.

I think you’re putting a bit too much pressure on yourself for what you ‘should’ be doing and other people’s comments of getting a move on. I think those comments are really dependant on social circles too, in some of my friend groups everyone has babies by the time they’re 25, in others 35 is average and maybe even that’s a bit young.
I would personally want to feel a bit more secure, maybe have work lined up for at least one of you. But also people make it work, and as pp say there’s no perfect time, so I’m sure you’d manage.

maybe try and figure out logistics of how you could make it work, what would it mean for your PhD, what would that mean financially, for your career, for finishing. What could you do about childcare realistically, how much mat leave could you take off, and then think about if that situation could improve much in the next year / two years / three years for example and if it will improve enough to be worth the wait.
also as someone with a similar diagnosis, I couldn’t with my situation get pregnant when I wanted to, so instead I gave myself a year of ‘baby prep’ which helped me feel like I was working towards the thing. So eating well, getting my body to its healthiest, saving money and all things like that.

The issue is as women we are now told we can have it all… the career and the family. But unlike men we have a biological clock that can and does make conceiving (for some) harder as we get into our mid to late 30’s. Truthfully there will never be a right time and there will always be a reason to wait just a little longer.

Hubby and I were similar sorted a stable working life etc etc then decided to have the kids I was 37 and 1 month of no contraception 9 months later a single then another 11 months later twins and now there all toddlers and I adore them. But I was never broody I just always knew I wanted kids but the feeling once they were born has never gone away the love I have for them I couldn't have imagined how much our life has changed but been added to. It's just different for everyone wether it be age, stability what you want etc. good luck with masters degree 😊

How do you think you’d be if you ended up not having children? The longer you leave it the lower your chances are. Yes many women do conceive late 30s to even late 40s and beyond. However, there’ll also be many for whom this doesn’t happen. Yes there’s help but this is limited and not guaranteed. It’s hard and invasive. You could find yourself in early menopause. Who knows?
So it’s a gamble. How much are you willing to lose?

I agree with this. I was brought up to believe fertility was guaranteed and the only problem was trying NOT to fall pregnant. Next thing I know I’m 38 and fighting a losing battle. The only advice I can give is that don’t assume you will easily fall pregnant at the time you decide youre finally ready. If your heart is set on being a mother then prioritise this over your savings and career.

I think OP that you channel those feelings of distraction and broodiness into your plan of how you know you're going to get your life a bit more sorted so you can start trying for a baby.
Every time you have those feelings, get your budget or savings plan out, look at what jobs are available, start looking at the application for the masters.
At 31 you still have some time on your hands but you need to be focused on how you're going to achieve your goals.