Terrified of raising a girl

[phoebelouiseeee]

Hi all!

first time mum here - we just found out we’re having a girl. I feel as if I should be excited and don’t get me wrong I’m not disappointed (I didn’t care either way) but I am so terrified of raising a girl!
I consider myself a feminist and being raised as a girl I learned just how cruel patriarchy can be, I don’t want to scare my daughter into thinking the world is an awful place where she doesn’t belong but I also don’t want her to feel later on that we lied to her about how the world would treat her. I want to protect her from the things that have happened to me but I don’t want to be an anxious mum always protecting my baby.

we found out yesterday and of course people are asking us what the baby is and I just can’t bring myself to tell them. In part because people say the weirdest things when they find out the sex of a baby (oh she’s going to be beautiful, you’ll have trouble keeping the boys away!) but also because I feel so much inner turmoil about the whole thing. I don’t want my daughter to feel as if she isn’t wanted and loved because she so is it just feels so scary and confronting for me - any advice? Anyone experienced this before?

1. Don't tell other people.
2. Breathe! Let it settle down emotionally before you overthink yourself into oblivion.

In a week or so, you can start looking at some positive advice on how to raise girls. It's going to be ok.

You're over thinking it. Raising my daughter has been a joy, I'm not crippled with worries about the patriachy. Yes we've had many talks about certain issues relating to the fact she's a female but not in a doom and gloom way.
I have to say she's the happiest person I know. She's living her best life. She's enjoying each day.
I work at a university and the young women I work with are strong, confident, happy individuals. They're not all weighed down by the burden of being women in a patriarchal society. They're having fun! Just as I have always done.

There is good and bad with both sexes.

If you had a boy you might be worried about him having unprotected sex, getting in with a gang etc.

It's worrying whatever you have.

I agree about not telling people if you’re not sure how you’re feeling. Plus, it’s WEIRD peoples obsession over what kind of genitalia your unborn child has. I found asking people why they were interested in my
babies genitals was a good way to shit down unwanted conversations.

We didn’t find out what we were having with DD and won’t again this time. I thought I’d spend a lot of time worrying about keep DD safe and triggering (I was abused as a child) but actually, it’s been fine, it’s not what I think about when I’m with her, instead I’m too busy enjoying getting to know this unique little person

OP- I think it's natural to be nervous no matter what gender you are having so give yourself a break. I have boys and I worried about fights/knife crime/drugs/gangs etc

Yes, the world can be a scary place and especially for women. But, there is also so much beauty and joy in the world and life is a precious gift. You have a wonderful opportunity to raise a brave, confident and capable woman- think of all the amazing things she can achieve having parents who are aware of the effects of the patriarchy and can explain and support her with all that. Her possibilities are limitless with that kind of can- do thinking. Dont stop being aware of the negatives but also embrace the positives too.

Your daughter is very blessed to have you as her mum. x

You have the opportunity to raise a DD with a feminist mother. I think that's pretty useful.
My DD has one of those too. But you can raise your kids with an awareness of structural unfairness without it being terrifying. We all still live in this world and I'd much rather be female in the UK than very many other places!
Having kids comes with a bucket load of worries regardless of their sex. If you're struggling to cope with thoughts like this please talk to your midwife or GP.
People talk all kinds of nonsense to you when you're pregnant, it's mostly just chit chat. Smile and nod.
Congratulations on your baby xx

There are negative stereotypes to each sex. It’s equally hard to raise a boy into a good man with the current culture as it is to raise a girl. People will sprout pointless assumptions based on the sex now or when she’s here, you just ignore it.

You also don’t sit them down at 5 and tell them how awful the world is for girls. You do what you can to create a balanced view, your husband does his fair share of housework and childcare. Then as you notice things happening because of the patriarchy, you try to challenge or change them in age appropriate ways. DD is a toddler and knows to say sorry when she’s too boisterous and hurts someone or bumps into us. The challenge is teaching her to not say sorry constantly, say when we’ve bumped into her. I want her to be polite and courteous but I don’t want her to feel the need to apologise constantly as many women do. She hasn’t got it yet but we’re just going to keep reiterating the message. She will experience the patriarchy but my hope is we’ve given her some tools in a subtle way to stand up for herself when she needs to.

This makes me sad to read, I'm sure if you were having a boy you'd have other worries about that. It's great you've got an awareness of issues like this but don't let your worries spoil an exciting time and you just getting on and accepting you can only do your best. The younger woman I know are all thriving and I'm sure your daughter will as well.

"Plus, it’s WEIRD peoples obsession over what kind of genitalia your unborn child has. I found asking people why they were interested in my
babies genitals was a good way to shit down unwanted conversations."

Blimey that's a mean confrontational way to respond to a really bog standard question. People's have relationships with mothers fathers sons daughters nieces nephews etc and will have a set of experiences with either sex and are just wondering about this new person who is joining your life, it's a way of trying to be nice... and you're implying they might have an unhealthy interest. That's mean imo.

Until a baby is born there isn't much to go on in taking an interest, so a basic question is just a way you can show you care about someone and this big event in their life.

Anyway op, I get what you're saying. But I agree with other posters that raising children is alarming in many ways. My DC are 11 and 13 and I've been teaching them body autonomy and consent in age appropriate ways from the beginning.
A also give them an informed but empowered view on how the world is and what their strategy could be... Sounds weighty, but it's not I just include concepts they'll find useful into conversations as they arise, I'm not shoe horning it in. My parents did none of that, I was totally unprepared but I still muddled through.
You'll be ok, life can be scary when you really care about a child, but it's also fab, so you need to learn to manage your fears so you don't put them onto her.

Don't be scared OP. I worried so much for my DD but she's grown up into this incredible, smart, funny, strong feminist teenager. I thought I was a serious feminist but she's more feminist than I am and she's much better at calling out patriarchy than I ever was.
Being a mother of a daughter is a great privilege in my experience.
Congratulations!

Plus, it’s WEIRD peoples obsession over what kind of genitalia your unborn child has. I found asking people why they were interested in my
babies genitals was a good way to shit down unwanted conversations."

I never know what to say to pregnant women as I dont want to ask about their health or anything in case they are having issues (I know a lot of people do) and its sensitive so I might ask "oh- how exciting, do you know what you're having?".

It's just a way to make conversation in a topic I have no real interest in, it's not an obsession FFS- quite the opposite. I could happily live my whole life never talking about pregnancy.

You're overthinking it. Just raise her to know that she can do what she wants to do and be who she wants to be.

If people make glib comments put them straight!

I agree with previous posters .. unfortunately worrying is part of motherhood. I have a gorgeous little boy and another on the way and I worry for them. They are more likely to experience stranger violence/physical assault than girls. They are growing up in a world where the message everywhere seems to be that men are bad and scary but with few role models of how to be a good and wise man and what that might even mean (thankfully we have wonderful men in our family - including my husband, which is a good start!). What is toxic masculinity, what isn't it, how do you protect them from it? Etc. It is a huge responsibility raising boys - moreso now than ever - and quite daunting. I have found the 'man or bear' discussions really sad and difficult in the context of raising innocent little boys and the world they will be launched into. And on it goes. So, yeah... Welcome to motherhood!

What a horrible way to ‘shit down’ the questions you don’t like. Lol at the typo though.

People are just trying to show an interest and you insinuate they have an unhealthy interest in children.

her direct confrontation with this is far down the line. You have the opportunity to bring her up so that she's prepared to handle it when that day comes. All you need to teach her is her own personal integrity, value, capable-ness, right from day one. Marinade her in that and it'll be much harder to undermine.
I do worry about this for my daughter, and since preschool she has clearly grasped the concept of boy vs girl but we have lots of little conversations about it and despite her wishing to present as typically hyper-feminine AT ALL TIMES she also knows that this has nothing to do with the activities she enjoys, the friends she has or the things she's good at. She is physically strong and active, a kind friend, a brave adventurer, a confident little girl. I know we have a long road to walk yet, but all you can do is set them up right for it.

And yes if I had boys I'd worry massively about toxic masculinity etc, and perhaps feel even less equipped to handle that if I'm being honest.

And in fact @2mumlife, wouldn’t you have to extend that logic to include any woman who finds out the sex of her unborn child? All these pregnant women finding out at scans what sex their baby is. It’s ok for them to be interested in what genitals their baby has? Is that an unhealthy interest?

Personally I didn’t find out with mine because I like surprises but plenty of women do find out in pregnancy.

It’s an imperfect world but it’s one in which it’s hard to be a man too, I think.

OP, I have a son and a daughter, both now teenagers. I worry about them equally for all the reasons PPs have outlined.