Going to scans etc alone

[Knickerbockerglories]

Hi, I’m pregnant with my second (and due to health reasons last) child. My first was born during Covid so my husband was not able to come to any scans or appointments and although he was at the birth I was alone with a sickly (not severely) but slightly premature baby in hospital afterwards.

this time he has a lot on at work and they are cutting jobs so he hasn’t wanted to take any time off for scans etc. He is autistic but very intelligent and I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but he doesn’t seem to care that I am pregnant (in a couple/relationship way, practically he is fine, helping with tasks, childcare etc)

im high risk so having 4 weekly scans and appointments but he doesn’t really acknowledge that the pregnancy is anything special or lovely more just a means to an end… he’s a good dad but I just felt so sad yesterday in the scan waiting room watching all of the other women with partners, holding hands or chatting, looking loving….

Am I just hormonal and need to get on with it? I know other people go through worse but it’s hard watching other women’s partners doting on them.

My DH didn't go to any scans as he's a teacher and couldn't miss work.

Completely understand
but I think lots of partners can’t go to scans, especially if you’re having so many. I would expect my partner to be texting me and asking how they’re going and asking for updates, asking how I’m feeling and if I need him or anything when work allows.

is the issue maybe more that this is a huge deal for you, it’s obviously you dealing with pregnancy and symptoms, taking time off, going to scans and everything else whilst he just carries on like nothing has happened. He’s not showing any awareness of how this thing that benefits you both, is only impacting you right now. Maybe if he was being a bit more caring and aware you wouldn’t feel as sad about the scans because you’d know he was being attentive in other ways.

I was single whilst pregnant so went to all my scans alone can't say I ever really noticed what others were doing, I even gave birth alone!

My DP came with my for the 12 week and 20 week scans, but not the growth scans. I also went to all my antenatal appointments alone. It will be better if your DP saves those days off work for when the baby is actually here.

What do you mean by he doesn't care about your pregnancy?

I understand how you feel, I've been to all my scans alone because dh couldn't take the time off, he probably won't be at the birth either because we have other dc he will be looking after.

My DH can't come to any scans as they all seem to be at school drop off or pick up! And he has to pick up older DD. Honestly it's better for me as the waiting room wait is rubbish and I can just stick my head in a book.

The difference is that we have had/booked some private scans for DH so he can be involved (which are nicer than the efficient NHS scans!).

So for me no issue re DH not being at the scans.

Big issue about the lack of care re. your pregnancy.

I think I mean he doesn’t care as in he doesn’t see it as anything out of the normal, I’m still doing everything the same and so is he. We don’t have a single bump photo, he hasn’t shown an interest in any scan (except a text at the 20 week one to find out the sex) and it just feels mundane… I’m not expecting special treatment or butterflies and rainbows but just something. I know other people don’t have partners at scans or are single etc but he could have come to just one scan if he had wanted to and he is living in the same house so could make a fuss or be excited just once?

i suppose it’s his behaviour in our situation rather than me being alone compared to others that is making me feel sad. As I said, I’m probably hormonal but having an autistic husband who is emotionally absent has just got to me today.

Both husband and I are quite pragmatic people - I'm also high risk and having regular scans and appts (I feel like I spend more time in the antenatal waiting room than in my own job!). He came for the 12 & 20 week scans, and one of the consultant appointments but the rest I've been doing solo. I took MIL to last growth scan and my mum is coming to the next one, but that's more for them than for me! If they couldn't have come it wouldn't have bothered me. (I went to all the growth scans in last pregnancy alone, just how it worked out).
I would talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. It's really tough being pregnant! If he is similarly pragmatic then it might not have occurred to him that you need support/him being more involved in the scans etc.
Re the waiting room and all the loved up partners - I know what you mean 🤣 but last time DH did come with me we ended up just writing our shopping list and sorting some bits off the to do list! so it's not everyone who is handholding! I just take a book now 😊

When i miscarried with my 3rd i had to go to the scans for this alone because my partner couldnt get out of work.
Its unfortunately something that happens.
If your going about your pregnancy days like every other normal day then surely you could expect him to do the same?
I dont know whether thats just me being the way i am? Id expect my partner to be the exact way i am, so if im going about my pregnancy days normally id expect him to do the same, if i feel like im struggling id want him to feel that with me and experience that struggle with me if that makes sense? I guess it just depends on the kind of relationship you both have, like my opinion will be completely different to the next persons, but to be fair my opinion is if hes good to you, and hes a good dad, then really theres nothing much more you could ask for? Other than from time to time a little bit of support😊

But autism makes you practical and not particularly emotional feelings so he can't be blamed for that

My DH came to the 12 and 20 week scans but I had growth scans every fortnight from 32 weeks and he didn’t come to those. They took the best part of half a day with all the waiting around and I was paid for the time off work, he wasn’t. It didn’t occur to me to ask him to my midwife appointments either! There were plenty of lone women in the waiting rooms for both

My DH came to 12 week and 20 week but hasn't come to any other appointments (I am not expecting to have any more scans), if you really want him there you need to tell him clearly, but I can understand him being reluctant if they are routine checks, and he is concerned about his work. I had to go to EPU alone with potential miscarriage as DH was already away for work, luckily all fine, but sitting there on my own was rubbish so I do understand, but if it's routine stuff, perhaps it's better he saves his time off for when baby arrives.