Unexpected pregnancy at 42 - no longer with partner

[historiccastles]

I just need to tell someone this really as I've decided not to tell anyone IRL except for the dad until I reach the second trimester.

I've just found out I'm pregnant (around 5 weeks). I'm 42 and already have 2 teenagers who will be singularly unimpressed with me. My ex-partner and I split up shortly before I found out I was pregnant. He's now keen for us to get back together but I'm unsure. He's not the father of my older children.

I'd come off the implant when we split up then we ended up having sex once and ... well here we are. Foolish of me I know but I honestly thought the likelihood of getting pregnant from one occasion at my age was tiny.

I feel like everyone is going to think I'm so stupid and have messed my life up. On top of that I'm feeling really tired and the morning sickness has kicked in some mornings.

An abortion isn't an option for me but part of me is hoping I have an early miscarriage (I had one before). Then the other part of me feels awful for even thinking it and is remembering how much I loved having young children and thinking yes I could do it again.

Why is abortion not an option? Which country are you in?

I'm in the UK, so it's legally an option. But it's not an option for me, personally, because of my beliefs and because I know I could not live with myself if I did.

Why is abortion not an option for you?

Have a think about what you want. Lots of people have a baby at 42 and they love it. You could have the baby and be very happy. Many people choose it. More financially stable, more established in career etc. But you have 2 teenagers so you're close to them being independent and you're well within your rights to want to enjoy your 40s/50s with independence from school runs etc. You've been parenting since your 20s.

An additional child will mean keeping ex in your life even if not together (you split for a reason, a baby isn't a reason to make it work, they'll be happier with happy parents apart). Also different dynamic with older kids. I adore my much younger sibling (10 year age gap). I wanted to help! Wouldn't wish them away for a second, but did change things. Family days had to be friendly to the age of youngest. After my graduation, lots of families went out for meals and to pubs etc but my family went home because youngest wouldn't have been allowed in. Holidays we had to go back to hotel rather than stay out for a drink etc for same reason.

Also think about whether you want additional screening. As you're older you have a higher chance of multiple pregnancies and genetic abnormalities. Having a disabled child would have a big impact not only on your life but that of your existing children. Also financially if you need to give money to your oldest children if they're of an age when they're going to uni and you're paying through the nose for childcare or had to give up work to look after disabled child.

It can work, you can have this baby and it complete your family. You can also choose not to want this baby. Both very understandable and valid decisions.

Edit to add, my sibling was disabled. Not something that could have been picked up on a test, but linked with the advanced age of parents. I love my sibling and my parents immensely, but they did miss out on things for the older ones due to youngests needs.

What advice are you after? If abortion isn’t an option I’m astonished you’d risk unprotected sex. You’re only 42. If you’re menstruating you’re fertile.

If you’re going ahead and don’t miscarry, focus on your children and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. I wouldn’t wait till the second trimester to talk to your children especially if you’re already getting disabling symptoms.

I'm not really after advice as I know what my decision is. It's more that I wanted to share how I was feeling with someone.

My ex-partner is a good dad to his existing child even though he and his ex are not together, so I know he will co-parent with me.

I guess it's just all a shock.

Fair enough. I hope it works out well for all of you.

Do whats right for you, dont stress at what other peoples opinions are. Its your body, your baby and if the ex is willing to support you thats great. Your older children will come round to have a younger sibling and in 12 months time you wouldnt want to change a thing. X

It's a big shock, but it could be really wonderful. I had my last baby at 43 and it was the best thing that ever happened for me. Good luck.

Try and concentrate on yourself and what you want rather than other people’s opinions. Yes it might be a big shock and people might have reactions but that is short term. Seems like you already know you are going ahead so is there a friend of family member you could talk to to plan how to tell the others? Good luck