Should I have a second baby?

[sparklerain]

Looking for advice before I drive myself insane with talking to myself about it

My husband and I have a 2.5yr old daughter, she's amazing, was an easy baby but is a very strong willed toddler who has a strong preference towards me (mum) which can be difficult at times when I want her dad to do something or he tries to do stuff for her. My husband would like a second but I keep thinking "what if" all the time. I don't want them to have a massive age gap (4yrs max maybe) or for my daughter to be an only child however I don't feel ready to have another

I am a full time teacher (we could not afford to work part time either of us) and he works from home, meaning he is able to do nursery runs etc. I have recently started at a new school (although we wouldn't want to start trying right now maybe around Christmas?). My husband is more eager than me to have another we have a bigger than most age gap and with him being 45 he's keen to have another sooner rather than later however time is more on my side

My school offer amazing trips to Africa and other continents over summer to rebuild schools etc it would be a once in a lifetime trip (I could go for two weeks and leave both kids with husband he has said that's fine) but I still feel guilty about doing so, there are also other trips to Disneyland, London etc all which I wouldn't be able to do pregnant

I also feel guilty about not spending more time with my daughter I want to take her aboard in 2025 which would delay trying for no. 2 also. I know if we were to have a second we would never take them away for a good few years after. All my friends have 2 or are pregnant atm with their second and I feel totally left out and a bit jealous too I really can't seem to think right from wrong about the whole thing

"I don't feel ready to have another"

There's your answer.

Bigger age gaps are more manageable for most people than having a smaller age gap.Regardless you already answered your own question."I don't feel ready to have another."

I was like you, I didn’t feel ready and my husband did. Our son was 2 at the time. He’s now 2.5 and I do feel ready, got pregnant on the first month of trying.

if you don’t feel ready, you don’t feel ready. Revisit it in 6 months and you might feel differently ☺️

Congratulations - yes it's definitely the case of some days I do some days I don't. Maybe it's a selfish element for wanting to go on trips and not feel like I've lost my life to kids but then seeing friends with 2 and cope fine with it makes me think well why couldn't I do it. After her 3rd birthday in Sept I will revisit the idea I think

Agreed, and that doesn't mean "no never" it means "no, not right now". You said you wouldn't even want to start ttc until around Christmas time anyway, why worry about it now? Park it OP, you know now isn't the right time. Think about it again in November/December.

Depends completely on what you are optimising for

first of all- take out of the consideration completely that you are giving them a friend. You might give them a friend, you might not. It’s not guaranteed.

however even when that’s off the table- if you want a child because you want another child- that’s fine. You don’t need a tiny age gap because of the above. It’s not guaranteed. I know siblings 18 months apart who.m I can honestly say despise each other, I know siblings 10 years apart who are best friends.

because it’s about whether you want another human, not any preconceived notions of playmates and BFFs. If that doesn’t pan out, that will make the graft that is parenting multiples- much harder.

Why don’t you want your DD to be an only child? If it’s because she needs someone to play with, or to share the care of you and DH when older or so she has that sibling relationship, they aren’t good reasons to have a second child. There is no guarantee they will get on, regardless of the age gap. So you should have a second because you both want a second. You aren’t ready at the moment.

It’s OK if you are never ready because you want to get yourself back and do these trips without feeling guilty. It’s also OK if you are never ready because you want to maximise experiences for your daughter.

Just because people are having their seconds and looks like they are coping, it doesn’t mean they are or that you will. Our DC is similar aged and so most friends have had their second. They look like they’re coping but I also know they don’t have as much free time as I do. They have a lot less less time to reply to messages. They have a lot more family support than I do so just because they are coping (or look like they are) it doesn’t mean I will.

Your husband’s age is a factor but you still shouldn’t have a second unless you’re ready for a second.

Just for another perspective and as something to consider, we were very much wanting a 2nd and I had a preferred age gap in mind. Unfortunately we had 3 back-to-back miscarriages last year. I'm super thankful that we then unexpectedly conceived again and this one seems to be sticking 🙏🏼 (26 weeks today!). We've obviously ended up with a bigger gap than I had envisaged - will be 3 1/2 years. I'm very much a 'focus on the positives' kind of person and can definitely see there are advantages to this delay - my son is now potty trained and much more able to express his feelings and any concerns/jealousy etc. He will also be starting school as this one starts nursery, meaning more manageable costs.

Obviously the most important thing is that you go for what you want when you feel ready, but I suppose I just wanted to flag that babies don't always work to our timescales. I guess the right one will come at the right moment! Best of luck with it all!

You're making excuses not to do it which probably means you're just not ready yet, there's no rush. We have a 3.5 yr age gap and it was quite nice, eldest old enough to not need carrying around, potty trained and in preschool which gave me some time with just the baby every day

Out of interest, why couldn't you go on the Disney and London trips whilst pregnant OP?

I'm currently 12w pregnant with number 2, my little one will be 2y10m by the time this one comes along, and I'm pretty happy with the age gap we'll have. It already feels like ages ago that we parented a newborn.

Blimey,some people think that a big age gap is 3 and half years difference.I would have thought at least 8 years difference between them is a big age gap.

It's within the school policy due to health and safety