So many conflicting thoughts and feelings!

[Confusedcrown]

Early 30s, and just found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant.

I'm on the pill and have been since I was 16 and we use condoms 90% of the time and I've magically ended up pregnant. My DP works away and so I'm trying to get my feelings sorted before I tell him when he calls this week.

We'd agreed we didn't want kids. I have a health condition that makes pregnancy tricky. We both also usually have busy careers, which involves long hours and working away for him.

But now I am pregnant, I can't help picturing a baby, taking a toddler to the park, helping a child with homework and picking a teen up from a party. I'm imagining the amount of love and stability we could give to this little life. Is this just pregnancy hormones? Or have I changed my mind?

We're stable in that we've been together for 8 years, own our home and have family nearby. But I'm currently on a career break from my job to go to Uni. Not due to finish until 2027. My job is guaranteed for me when I return though.

My health condition is relatively well controlled and I've checked online and with a pharmacist and the meds I'm on are the best type I could be while pregnant. There is still a higher risk of birth defects and MC though and in an ideal world, I'd go through pre-pregnancy counselling, work on my meds etc way before a pregnancy.

I'm very confused and I'm trying to get my head around it all. Does anyone have any advice? Or know what they would do in my situation?

That ended up much longer than expected!

My biggest concerns are:

1. I've been content being childfree my whole life and was planning to continue this. I feel like I want this baby now but what if that's just pregnancy hormones and I feel differently once it's born? That would be so massively unfair on a child.

2. Money is doable currently but I took a significant paycut to go to Uni. My job is waiting for me but not until 2027. Childcare would be expensive.

3. My health condition may negatively impact any pregnancy. It's supposed to also make conception harder though and that hasn't happened! I would be devastated if I harmed the baby.

Any thoughts?

I would speak to your midwife urgently, ask for a consultant and some expert advice on your health condition, the chances of problems for the pregnancy and how serious those problems may be. That may help reassure you or help you make a decision either way.

Uni actually sounds like it could be perfect timing, they may have support available to you, discounted childcare options on campus, and usually your time is quite flexible - course dependant obviously. By the time you were going back to work your child would be entitled to free childcare hours and not too far off school.

I suppose you could regret it once they’re born, but you may also regret it if you chose an abortion. I think it’s one thing to decide you’re happy not to have a child, but another thing to decide to have an abortion once that child is a potential thing. I’m 100% pro choice, but I just think they’re two different decisions. Only you can decide really if you’re willing for your life to change and have a baby, or if you really do want to close the door on that possibility.

I echo PP, organise an urgent call with GP/midwife to go through your concerns.

As for uni, my son was two when I started first year and I then found out I was pregnant with my second a week into third year 🙈 even though it's classed as full time, most people only have contact time 10-12 hours a week and a lot of uni's have a nursery on site. Yes it's stressful trying to study with young children but you adapt.

For one thing, you’ve not mentioned but stop taking your contraceptive pill, just incase you’ve kept taking it! Agree contacting GP or midwife due to the medication just in case you do continue the pregnancy. But it sounds like you would want to do so

Worth remembering that it's incredibly daunting even with a planned pregnancy, so it doesn't mean you don't want the baby, just that you are considering the impact which is the responsible thing to do. Good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you.

The GP and my consultant are both on my hitlist, first thing tomorrow.

It's just all so unexpected and so unlikely that I'm struggling to know where my head is. I wouldn't have expected to want it this much before it happened.

It's very early days, and may not be viable or may not work out. I also have no idea how DP will react as we've always been very much on the same page. I do feel like I'm changing the goal posts but I have to be honest.

This sounds like a little miracle and also that it's bringing out new feelings/perspective for you and wonderful thoughts of the future. Uni sounds like perfect timing tbh, family nearby to help - sounds like a v good set up. It gets harder as you all get older. Like you I felt fine without children but now in mid 30s am one of thousands of women who want a family and struggle with infertility.

You said "i feel like I want this baby now but what if that's just pregnancy hormones and I feel differently once it's born".

That's great! You can't predict how you'll feel in the future, nor can you write off feelings as serious as love for your baby as only "hormones". Your feelings are real and wonderful tbh! Becoming a mum is very daunting but we are all hardwired for it so please don't doubt yourself or worry about that - if you decide to go ahead, you will probably love your baby more than you've ever loved anyone in the world.

Obv you want to talk to DP but as you know it's your decision and your decision only. Wishing you all the best with it 🪷

Thank you @m00ngirl what a lovely message.

I hope things work out for you.

I think you're right on the feelings, maybe they are due to the pregnancy hormones but maybe that change is permanent? I won't know now anything about future feelings so I need to work on what I've got I guess.

Thank you 😊