Partner putting himself and his family before me

[KristyG]

Hello, looking for advice and opinions… I am 32 weeks pregnant and feel my partner is only thinking of himself. He has made it clear from the start he is happy about the pregnancy and likes to talk about things he would like to do with the baby as he grows up etc. However, he has shown no interest in preparing for the baby coming and is refusing to organise the nursery just now as he can’t be bothered. There is a flat screen tv that is never used in the room we are planning to use as the nursery and he is refusing to take it off the wall even when the baby arrives. He mortified me at our antenatal class and sulked on his phone while the midwives were talking and kept muttering “this is garbage”. I didn’t see any other partners behaving that way. He won’t spend any time with me at the weekends unless it’s to walk the dog and refuses to go out just us two or shop for baby stuff. His parents are going on holiday over my due date and he has insisted we will take their hyper cockapoo who is large, bouncy and barks through the night alongside our own cockapoo. His sister has not offered. These are just a few examples but I feel I am not prioritised at all and it’s starting to really frustrate me and get me down.

I think your gut feelings are spot on sadly. I know there are some men who can't get their heads around pregnancy and getting excited about babies, but then go on to be besotted fathers. So you could (if you were feeling charitable) cut him some slack in that respect.

What I can't really understand is why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Is he embarrassed that your pregnant ? Do his friends know ? Frankly if my partner had behaved the way your did during your ante natal class, he would have been left in no doubt what I thought of his behaviour.

Have you sat him down and explained what you expect of him, and that if he can't step up to the plate on this, you will have to re-think your future with him. I think you need to start being really clear with him. And start thinking through some plan B options, eg could you stay with your parents in the early weeks to avoid the parrot ? Could you talk to his parents and ask they place the parrot with someone else ?

Being a father isn't just about ejaculating in someone's vagina / specimen pot, it's about supporting the mother during pregnancy, immediate post birth and ongoing.

Having a baby in the house can shake the firmest relationship, it's a very stressful time of life and he needs to convince you he has your back. From where I'm standing, I'm not convinced and the fact you've asked the opinion a bunch of internet strangers suggests you feel the same way.

Thank you I really appreciate your message. Whenever I’ve brought these issues up I’m shut down very quickly by him. To be honest the spending time together was an issue before the pregnancy. He doesn’t want to spend time with his friends either but things I’m used to doing like going out for drinks/meals and day trips never happen.

i wish it was a parrot we were looking after! It’s their dog who is a cockapoo breed that we are to look after. His parents have said we know it’s a lot but are not expecting their daughter to take her on. I will take on your suggestion about staying with my family because I don’t want to surround myself in this stress.

Sorry I got the wrong type of pet.

Go home to your parents as soon as you can - even look for alternative accommodation, get soon advice on benefit entitlement and possible future CMS claims. Have a think about whether you would want him at all in the delivery room. You deserve someone who is completely and utterly on your side and your side alone when in labour.

So sorry you could be doing this alone.

I’d suggest he goes to his parents to look after the dog.

And then stays there. Permanently.

This.

This must be so stressful and upsetting for you. Have you told him how you're feeling? Or asked to have a serious conversation about how your relationship is doing at the moment? Perhaps couples counselling could help if he's not voicing why he's behaving the way he is and not able to talk about it openly with you (maybe he doesn't even know why himself). I had couples counselling several years ago because we kept arguing about a specific decision we had to make, and it helped unbelievably with our communication and understanding of one another.