I feel like a dissapointment

[PeggyLee123]

Hiya,

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I finished work last sunday (I'm a self employed musician and maternity allowance for SE is awful!). Doesn't help that my partner is also self employed as a musician in my band so potentially we will both be on leave for 3 months (i may have to go back before him as i can earn more).

I just feel like a total disappointment to my child. i live in London and we live in a one bedroom flat and although i have been looking around, the property market in the city is unbelievably expensive.

I don't have living parents, my mum died suddenly a couple of years ago and i had to sell her house off cheap to pay her debts/morgage so i haven't got anywhere to go.

I sound like i'm not thankful that i am about to have a beautiful baby but I just feel like i've already failed him. I worked hard to get out of a working class area in the UK to get an Education and move to London, but now i find i don't own anything.

I just feel like a total failure at this point.

@PeggyLee123 , life is tough and you are doing just fine. You sound anxious, what’s worrying you?

You are not a failure! As long as you're a loving mother to your child you will not be a disappointment. I grew up in a poor family but was so loved, I had the happiest childhood. Please stop beating yourself up. You're doing your best.

I guess i just want more for my son than i had growing up. I am extremely lucky that i have lovely friends who threw me a baby shower and showered me with a pram/gifts etc but the majority of them aren't in London. I just feel a bit all over the place and worried.

I have some savings its just living in a one bedroom flat and i feel like my partner has clocked out and not stepping up ie helping with cleaning etc

thank you, i just wanted so much more for him! Also i don't know if i should try and think about retraining and stepping down as a musician and getting a more stable job, but i have made a good living out of it. So many questions and worries at the moment.

Focus on what you can change. Your partner needs to be doing their fair share, they are not “helping”. Have a very serious discussion about this. Have you been to local antenatal classes, sounds like meeting some local new mums might help you if your friends aren’t local. Kids don’t need much, they need love, interaction, support, engagement, which are all free.

I think that stopping work has given you space to reflect - but also slide into circular thinking and brooding!

The good news is that once your baby is here, you may not have time for that! (Though there can be a lot of sitting around with a newborn so watch out for that.)

How about using this time to look up cheap mum and baby activities in your area. You could even try some out with bump, as then it'll be less daunting after. Look up some songs that you plan to sing to your baby (I found many nursery rhymes are too short - so she's growing up on a diet of folk songs!) Make sure you are getting out for a walk every day.

Your baby will grow up loved, and that is the most important thing of all.

Are you a member of PRS? (Performing Rights Society)

They have funding especially to help music creators like yourselves.

Have a look at prsfoundation.com/

It is worth applying. Good luck.

You're doing fine! If the "norm" you are comparing yourself to is owning a large property in London, that is wildly unrealistic these days. No one owns significant property in London unless they are unusually rich; or unless they've had an awful lot of family help. This isn't the yardstick you should be judging yourself by! There's a reason why most people move out of London when they start a family; it's because property is cheaper. Thre are lots of options,and you'll give your baby a great life. You're maybe just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

And what you're voicing is what most people across the country are feeling right now - you work hard, you've worked hard all your life, and now you find you don't actually own anything and really, you're only just covering the basics with little savings. Unfortunately these are the times we live in. Cost of living means it's the same for everyone these days, including those who in former times might have considered themselves comfortable or even rich.

i was so nervous about posting this but you really have helped me - such nice comments and non judgement, thank you.

I'm glad i'm not alone in feeling like I should be owning things, I've worked since I was 12 and have always had a work strong ethnic and don't have the attitude that the government should support me or parents, but even getting Maternity Allowance is proving a struggle, I was on the phone to DWP an hour yesterday just to see whats happening with my claim. This country is totally joyless i feel, i wo't get olitical but i cannot help but think so many years of Tory ruling has not helped - not those of us who don't come from loads of money anyway.

Thank you, because I've been so busy with work and just this week have now gone on leave maybe i'm overthinking too.

Amazing thank you so much!

Ah i love this advice and you are right, I've been pretty pre occuipied with work throughout pregnancy (thinking if i can work now i can have more time off with the baby when he comes) that now I feel a bit lost...and should focus on his arrival. Will look in to local activities - i sing to him alot too <3 <3

Sorry, alot of replies here, I just want to say thank you all so much for the advice and kindness, i don't think i was quite prepared to feel so lonely and isolated especially in such a big city but it's up to me to get out there and stop putting myself down.

Thanks ladies. xx

You'll be fine, you sound like a lovely lady, your son will be very lucky to have you as a mum!! Enjoy your maternity leave and your beautiful new baby.

thank you <3 about to waddle off to the fridge for the tenth time today ahahahha learning to relax is a job in itself i think xx

Don't worry too much about leaning to relax - the day you master it, you'll go into labour! :D