Advice for dealing with other women’s pregnancies whilst you’re TTC?

[GemLouise83]

Hi,
I just wanted to reach out as this whole IVF journey is very isolating! Very long story short - my partner & I had 9 cycles of ICSI with our sperm & eggs. No pregnancy other than a chemical on round 6. We decided then to move to donor egg. We went to America for this as you’re allowed to see pics & meet them on Zoom.

Luckily found the right donor for us & with her eggs & my partners sperm created 8 good grade embryos. The first attempt implanted but I developed a hematoma & was told at 8wks the heartbeat had stopped. Went back to America & fell pregnant again which was finally going well. Couldn’t believe it! But at the anomaly scan was told our son had a critical heart defect. I then had to have a 23wks + 4 day abortion. That was 2wks ago.

Of course the magnitude of trauma is something I never imagined we’d go through over the past 5 years. My question is, how do others cope with other people’s pregnancies? ALL my close friends have had 1 or 2 children during all of this. My partner’s sister’s just had a son. It’s turning me in to a bitter person & I find it so difficult just to be happy for people. They all try & be respectful as they can with me. And me with them. But it would be so great to hear any pearls of wisdom if anyone has any!

We are going to go back overseas for another transfer in September once the healing period is over. But i’m in pretty desperate need of some tactics for not feeling so envious of how others seem to just sail through with their pregnancies. I am a really upbeat, relaxed person generally. But the wounds are just always so raw & my heart drops & breaks a little more when some more ‘happy’ news comes in to my life.

Thanks for reading this
x

I’ve tried to remember that they are not getting pregnant to spite me, and there isn’t a finite amount of babies in the world. And often you might not know if they’ve had losses or a long fertility journey.

Someone else having a baby isn't making your baby any less possible.

There's always someone to compare yourself to and feel luckier than them or less lucky. Someone who grew up in care might have felt this way seeing people with a family, or with long term illness felt it about people with no condition, etc etc.

Comparison doesn't help, this is your path. It's hard but it's yours.

First of all, i do want to say im so sorry for your very upsetting losses. Thats an awful thing to go through!

I found out i was pregnant in february and about 3 weeks later found out my brothers girlfriend was pregnant, instead of buying clothes that would suit my taste and not theirs i decided to buy them essentils (bottles, wipes nappies, creams and so on) and i was over the moon for them both.

But then on 3rd of april i found out i had miscarried with retained product.

I havent been able to see her and i havent been able to look at the baby essentials ive bought her and ive not been able to go down the baby essential isles in the supermarket.

I know by the time the baby is born i will be ok, im slowly getting there and so will you.

I work in a childrens hospital and was donated some really beautiful knitting for the prem babies who sadly pass and a week after id found out about my mc they brought some in and opened them up infront of me.

I felt a stab through the heart and the gut, but played it off as though i was definitely okay, when essentially i really wasnt.

This is my third miscarriage and throughout all of them ive not been able to be around pregnant people without hating them and their partners, and when i say hate, i mean severe hate; wishing nothing but the worst for them, wishing they would go through what i went through for someone to be able to feel how i do.

It does take so much time to come around and be in a better mind set, just because other people are pregnant or have babies doesnt mean you wont have yours one day, and the fact that when you do have one it will be so special to you because of how hard you've tried to have your baby, im sure the first look at your new born baby, will make you regret all the awful feelings you had regarding others being pregnant when you went through a loss, but dont let your mc cloud your judgement of everyone else, it does inevitably, but as i said you cant let it cloud your judgement forever as you feel like you wont come to terms with the loss you've had. You will, you will learn to be happy for others the way others would have been happy for you.

I guess each experience is different, but i feel like when i wait in that hospital waiting room to he scanned and told everything isnt okay, i sit and pray for someone else to have their rainbow baby (im not a religious person by any means!!) But you hope that someone will be happy at some stage with their babies, its hard, but it will happen OP, dont let yourself slip x