Best friend hasn’t told me she is pregnant - everyone else knows

[Starssky4321]

I have just found out that of my closest friends is currently pregnant. She announced it at a mutual friends birthday party a few weeks ago. I wasn’t able to attend the event as my child was unwell. I have since seen a mutual friend from the event who mentioned about my best friends pregnancy news being announced and I was totally caught off guard as I didnt even know she was pregnant.

Totally get that this is her news and she can announce it as she pleases but I can’t help but feel hurt and sad that she hasn’t dropped me a call or a message now it’s public.

When I announced my own pregnancy it was important to me that my closest Friends found out at the same time.

What would you do in my situation? I have no idea how to handle this.

I would message her saying you had heard through the grapevine she was pregnant and congratulations. If she’s your best friend you should be able to say ‘oi can’t believe you didn’t tell me but I’m so happy for you!’ Or similar.

I doubt she was trying to exclude you it sounds like baby brain and in her mind she has told x group and didn't realise you weren't there.

Agree with pp suggestion about a blasé message

Just send her a congratulations message and stop overthinking this. Making sure your friends all fine out in order of closeness doesn't even occur to most people.

Have you seen or spoken to your best friend since the party?

Yes that’s possible. She definitely realised I wasn’t there tho as I messaged her in advance to say I wouldn’t make it. The group event was a lot of people neither of us know super well but word has obviously got around since.

Honestly don't see the big deal here at all. If you were there, you would have found out at the same time, but you weren't. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and have been really ill with HG, anxiety and now been told I have an additional complication that increases my risks of things like baby loss. We are just starting to spread the news around slowly now but mostly it will be on the basis of who we speak to/see. I don't keep a score sheet of who has to know in which order, I don't have the time or energy for that.

We have 15 years of close friendship under our belt speaking daily. Bridesmaids at each others wedding friendship level. The event was casual acquaintances. My friend still hasn’t mentioned she is pregnant to me despite speaking since. Sorry but I would always confide life changing news to my closest friends and family first as a support network. That’s what friendship is for.

Best of luck with your pregnancy ❤️

You describe her as your best friend but you haven't felt able to raise this with her.

She's either made a mistake - thought she had told you, or forgotten that you weren't at the party where she announced it. Or she's realised retrospectively that she didn't tell your first, and, in the same way that you feel awkward, now doesn't know how to raise it with you.

If she's your friend, just talk to her.

You are assuming the worst when she probably just forgot or has other things on her mind/plate (maybe suffers with a lot of sickness).
instead of making this about you, just call her or message her and have a chat

That’s the plan. I only found out about her news last night so I haven’t had a chance to actually speak to her. I care about the friendship so I am giving careful thought to how I approach it. I have been through a pregnancy myself so I don’t want to cause her additional stress, despite me feeling a little hurt.

The reason I haven’t called her yet is because I’m not making this about me. I wanted to take a day or two to think about the best approach to avoid causing her stress from a knee jerk reaction from me. I am allowed to privately feel hurt as I want to support my friend and share her joy. We have been best friends for 16 years. I am aware I need to suck this up and accept it.

Maybe she wants to tell you in person?

Some people didn't find out I was pregnant until fairly late (5-6 months) because I wanted to tell them in person, including a couple of close friends.

Me too, I did similar when I was pregnant so I totally understand that. I guess it’s just bad timing that I’ve found out through an acquaintance rather than her.

I expect she wants to tell you in person, has she attempted a meer up? I understand how to feel though, I found out one close friend was pregnant via my own mother (friends with hers) and I found out another close friend was pregnant from my daughter. I was just awkwardly waiting for them to tell me knowing it was already common news. It's hurtful when you know you would have made the effort to tell them before it became common knowledge.

I'd congratulate her warmly. If she had a plan to tell you she will say.

Sil is currently pregnant. With our previous pregnancies we each told parents, siblings, close friends before telling everyone else.
This time her dh got hammered at a family party and told a room full of people so dh and I found out second hand.

Obviously we knew it wasn't intentional. Maybe something like that happened.

No she hasn’t attempted a meet-up since. I was hoping maybe she would reach out and ask me over or out for a coffee. Maybe she still will, I hope so.

I think you are making this too much about you. She hasn’t gone out of her way to not tell you, she probably is so caught up in the pregnancy she hasn’t even thought about you. I’m sorry if that seems harsh, but I would assume that’s the reality rather than any pecking order or unkindness on her part.

I don’t think she has intentionally tried to exclude me. I think the way things have worked out I have found out last (she still hasn’t actually told me) which has hurt my feelings. This doesn’t mean I plan to offload this negativity to her but I am allowed to feel what I feel. My feelings are valid. I would consider her my ‘inner circle’ and would tell her my important news as I would like her support and for her to share my joy. It hurts that she does not feel the same way.