Marriage on the rocks ~ 13 weeks pregnant

Farmwifefarmlife · 2024-04-25T06:12:21+00:00

Me and DH have DD7 DS 18 months, no3 unplanned but I’d always liked the idea of a third. Marriage has been rocky since DS I run a business from home and DH works self employed. We have a big enough house but would need to change the car but this was something we’d already needed to do. We hadn’t spoken much I went to my 12wk san solo he never asked to see scan pic or anything and I’ve felt quite isolated and lonely since finding out DH hasn’t said much until last night where he said he thinks keeping the baby is a terrible idea and he’s not on board. Our marriage is mainly bickering and just generally not getting on him complaining of not enough sex and me complaining of not enough help. My heart feels totally broken. I have no idea what to do.

DustyLee123 · 25/04/2024 07:20

My DH didn’t really want our last one, and there was no affection once I’d had the positive pregnancy test. But once baby was born he was fine.

PrincessOfPreschool · 25/04/2024 07:25

I think in the absence of actual abuse, I would wait a couple of years and just plod on. It's a very hard time with young children. It may change (with work, when you have time and energy for that) and it may not but now is not a good time to be making life changing decisions. Life is long and you can see where you are later on.

Original poster

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/04/2024 07:30

PrincessOfPreschool · 25/04/2024 07:25

I think in the absence of actual abuse, I would wait a couple of years and just plod on. It's a very hard time with young children. It may change (with work, when you have time and energy for that) and it may not but now is not a good time to be making life changing decisions. Life is long and you can see where you are later on.

Yeh this is kinda what we are doing, just plodding on he’s not a bad husband or dad, just not amazing anymore we used to be so close and so loving now just feels like we are flat mates to be honest. A 3rd baby was definitely not planned but I think an abortion would destroy me but now I feel like I’m going against DHs wishes.

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Original poster

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/04/2024 07:32

DustyLee123 · 25/04/2024 07:20

My DH didn’t really want our last one, and there was no affection once I’d had the positive pregnancy test. But once baby was born he was fine.

I worry incase he isnt? Baby’s are hard work and I worry about the lack of support once baby is born DH wasn’t the most hands on with the last two when they were baby’s. I feel devastated.

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Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 25/04/2024 07:33

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/04/2024 07:32

I worry incase he isnt? Baby’s are hard work and I worry about the lack of support once baby is born DH wasn’t the most hands on with the last two when they were baby’s. I feel devastated.

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Then what on earth did you think would change by the third baby?

Turniptracker · 25/04/2024 07:35

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 25/04/2024 07:33

Then what on earth did you think would change by the third baby?

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She already said it wasn't planned

Original poster

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/04/2024 07:35

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 25/04/2024 07:33

Then what on earth did you think would change by the third baby?

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I haven’t it wasn’t planned.

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ChangeAgain2 · 25/04/2024 07:36

I wouldn't make any huge decision now unless things are abusive or volatile. I think being pregnant and having a newborn is hard physically and emotionally. If you can hold off I would.

Honestly, I would keep the baby. His time to make the decision not to get pregnant was during sex. He really has no say now the horse has bolted. If he doesn't want anymore he needs to get a vasectomy. An abortion isn't his call. I think men throw it around like it's easy with no thought of the physical, emotional or phycological impact. It's probably because it's not an impact directly on them.

Original poster

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/04/2024 07:39

ChangeAgain2 · 25/04/2024 07:36

I wouldn't make any huge decision now unless things are abusive or volatile. I think being pregnant and having a newborn is hard physically and emotionally. If you can hold off I would.

Honestly, I would keep the baby. His time to make the decision not to get pregnant was during sex. He really has no say now the horse has bolted. If he doesn't want anymore he needs to get a vasectomy. An abortion isn't his call. I think men throw it around like it's easy with no thought of the physical, emotional or phycological impact. It's probably because it's not an impact directly on them.

He isn’t at all, he’s been kind and supportive about an abortion. He’s on a wait list for a vasectomy and has been for 4 months! We were wrapping it up so I’m unsure what happened. I just feel like I’m going against what he wants now he’s actually said how he feels i genuinely don’t see a 3rd being a problem at all he’s just worried about the impact on our marriage as it isn’t great.

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ChangeAgain2 · 25/04/2024 08:26

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/04/2024 07:39

He isn’t at all, he’s been kind and supportive about an abortion. He’s on a wait list for a vasectomy and has been for 4 months! We were wrapping it up so I’m unsure what happened. I just feel like I’m going against what he wants now he’s actually said how he feels i genuinely don’t see a 3rd being a problem at all he’s just worried about the impact on our marriage as it isn’t great.

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I'm glad hes looking at a vasectomy and isn't blasé in your mind. However, he's supportive about an abortion because it's what he wants. He's not supporting you. He didn't attend the scan. Honestly, I don't think a baby or an abortion will solve your marriage problems. I think both could break you and cause resentment. If you both wants to try to save the relationship then maybe look at marriage counselling and also figure out a fair distribution of labour in your household. It takes work to make a marriage work but it's also bloody hard work to divorce and coparent.

Whatsitcalled38 · 25/04/2024 08:29

You don't have to do what he wants. It's your body. You don't have an abortion becuase he wants you to. It's not like you actively tired to get pregnant against his will. You both used contraception, you both have conceived a baby unexpectedly. It is not your fault. And you are not responsible for doing what he wants when it concerns your body.

SnookyPook · 25/04/2024 09:17

It sounds like you are keeping the baby - congratulations 😊

I think this is a separate issue (although obviously intertwined) from you marriage situation. I guess the main question there is, do you both actually want your marriage to survive and get back to a place of closeness as it was before? If so, there is work to be done. If one or both of you has already checked out, then you need to be thinking practically about co-parenting etc after the separation (including this 3rd child).

In terms of your relationship - it is so common for parents of young children to feel disconnected. It's so hard making time to prioritise each other and put that work in. It also sounds like you both work hard at jobs that probably take up a lot of your time and energy too. If this baby was unplanned then it suggests you are still managing to be intimate at least some of the time which is a good start! If you can manage it, I agree with a PP that some counselling could do you good. The quibbles you raise - not helping enough round the home... Feeling deprived of sex .. they are so common. And neither of those things would improve for either of you (at least initially!) if you were solo parenting.

I think you need to find some space to have a good talk with your husband. Start by saying that you've heard his thoughts on baby no 3 (although he's left it quite late to make a stand now!) but that actually you think you both need to take a good look at where your relationship is at as the worries around that are clearly feeding into it. Let him know your position - do you want to get closeness and intimacy back? What do you think would be helpful in achieving that. And really listen to where he is on those points too.

Relationships can be hard work. And sometimes more than others! Good luck 💕

Original poster

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/04/2024 09:27

SnookyPook · 25/04/2024 09:17

It sounds like you are keeping the baby - congratulations 😊

I think this is a separate issue (although obviously intertwined) from you marriage situation. I guess the main question there is, do you both actually want your marriage to survive and get back to a place of closeness as it was before? If so, there is work to be done. If one or both of you has already checked out, then you need to be thinking practically about co-parenting etc after the separation (including this 3rd child).

In terms of your relationship - it is so common for parents of young children to feel disconnected. It's so hard making time to prioritise each other and put that work in. It also sounds like you both work hard at jobs that probably take up a lot of your time and energy too. If this baby was unplanned then it suggests you are still managing to be intimate at least some of the time which is a good start! If you can manage it, I agree with a PP that some counselling could do you good. The quibbles you raise - not helping enough round the home... Feeling deprived of sex .. they are so common. And neither of those things would improve for either of you (at least initially!) if you were solo parenting.

I think you need to find some space to have a good talk with your husband. Start by saying that you've heard his thoughts on baby no 3 (although he's left it quite late to make a stand now!) but that actually you think you both need to take a good look at where your relationship is at as the worries around that are clearly feeding into it. Let him know your position - do you want to get closeness and intimacy back? What do you think would be helpful in achieving that. And really listen to where he is on those points too.

Relationships can be hard work. And sometimes more than others! Good luck 💕

Thank you so much , we both definitely want it to work. I’ll definitely take your advice I think we both find communicating hard but definitely need to put more effort in. Thank you x

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SnookyPook · 25/04/2024 10:42

@Farmwifefarmlife if you both want to make it work then your marriage isn't on the rocks. It's just going through a hard patch. You both still want it so start with that as your focus. Working on communication is definitely key. You will get there I'm sure. You both need to focus on what is important to you, and this is a reminder that that includes each other. If you've time for reading, I recommend "the seven principles for making marriage work" by Gottman. Some really helpful stuff to think through and help you understand each other better and strengthen your relationship. Best of luck! 💗