33 weeks and he’s left me… feeling helpless

[semummy32]

For a bit of context me and my partner weren’t together that long when I fell pregnant. Things were happy and smooth sailing (even in the process of getting a house) until I was about 22 weeks when out of nowhere he started saying he wasn’t ready for a baby, he didn’t want him and he also didn’t know if he wanted the relationship anymore. We went no contact for a few days then this changed into he just didn’t want to be with me. We were discussing our plans for the future in terms of him being there for his son and financial support. A couple days after this conversation, and me of course heartbroken but just having to accept reality, he turned a complete 180 again and said he doesn’t know why he treated me so badly and said such things to me, he’s still in love with me and always will be and we could never just be friends. We got back together and things were looking so positive and happy and I was so looking forward to having our little family again I felt like things were really looking up and falling into place , this was all literally until about a week ago when things flipped again. I am now 33 weeks. He hasn’t been showing much affection or love towards me and continuously choosing friends over spending time with me, not really being there in terms of my pregnancy too (for example I’ve been into triage a few times and he’s not even offered to come with me). When I confronted him about this he stated he wasn’t making an effort because he didn’t want to. He isn’t in love with me, there’s no spark or romance there and hasn’t been for a while and he doesn’t want to force his feelings anymore. He has been so cruel in things he has said and I don’t think he realises how much he is hurting me. I have begged and begged for him but he’s not budging, this is what he wants - we are over and there’s nothing I can do. Again we’re having the conversations of financial support, how much he’ll be there for baby, being there for me in labour etc. I am just so completely heartbroken and exhausted it feels like he’s always changing his mind about us, it’s all or nothing. Nothing he says about this situation makes sense either, it’s like he’s just making excuses. I feel like he’s no longer attracted to me because I’m pregnant. I’m so broken that yet again this idea of our family has been stripped from me so close to giving birth. I’m left now to see out the rest of this pregnancy alone. I don’t want to bother him letting him know about my day etc. I feel pathetic that I just want him to love me. Am I wrong for hoping he has a big reality check when baby is here? Just needing some words of advice as I’m so lost and broken beyond words.

I'm sorry OP, this guy is showing you that he is not someone that you or your baby can rely on sadly. What other support do you have around you in terms of friends or family?
It's OK to give yourself some time to grieve this relationship, I think you are only causing yourself further hurt by hoping he might change his mind and come back to you. Even if he does, you know you can't trust him to stay or rely on him.

He definitely is showing he’s unreliable :( This time around he’s accepted he’s going to be a dad and happy about baby he wants to be there for him but I can’t help but wonder why he doesn’t want a family with me. I keep questioning what I have done wrong even though he says it’s nothing I have done he just doesn’t love me. I have my family and friends thankfully but in the mindset I’m currently in I just want him :(

I’m sorry OP, I didn’t want to just read and run.

I know you want him to love you and want to be with you. Right now though, as @SouthwestSis has said, he’s shown you that you can’t trust him. This is one of those horrible times in life when you have to put your child first - if he’s already let you both down twice now before your son is even born, you can’t trust that he’s not going to let your son down whenever he finds things tough. It’s really important that now, as well as looking after yourself and giving yourself the space to be sad, that you also protect your son by building a reliable support plan. Choose someone else to be with you at the birth. Plan where you will live and who will help you with the baby. I’m not saying you shouldn’t let him see his son when he’s born. But don’t make any plans that rely on him.

I’m so sorry this has happened and I hope you’ll be ok.

I'm so sorry @semummy32 that sounds really hard. 😔 I think unfortunately you just have to accept where he is at. And take him at his word that you've not done anything wrong. I guess if you weren't together long before you fell pregnant, it's possible that for him the relationship has run it's course. Maybe because of the baby he was trying to make it work but realised he just couldn't. I'm so sorry this has happened to you though, and that he has messed you around in terms of being hot and cold about it all. It's positive that he is at least engaged in discussions around parental responsibility etc. But I agree with PPs, don't rely on him overly. Get other support networks in place and think ahead to how you will cope with certain things of he isn't around to help. Again, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this & especially whilst heavily pregnant. Sending you a hug x

You've been together a year at most you don't really know him tbh.

Just focus on you and the baby, you don't have to see him or let him be at the labour.

I would make zero plans for contact until after you have had the baby tbh.

Do you have practical support from friends or family?

He sounds like a gross waste of space.

I completely understand feeling vulnerable when pregnant, especially as it's your first baby (I'm assuming?) and are unsure of what to expect, plus this is supposed to be a happy and exciting time and your experience is being ruined by his inability to make up his own mind.

If I were you and I'm not, so this is only my opinion and you know what's best for you and your baby, but I would let him get on with it. Tell him what he needs to know and when and that's it. He may come round, he may not, but worrying about things you can't control isn't worth your time and energy, my love. You will look back on this time in months or years to come and only feel resentment towards him.

So sorry your going through this op, stuff like this is difficult to go through but must be even harder when pregnant. He sounds like a complete arse, he's probably getting some kind of pathetic ego boost from you begging him to come back and him saying no. Like others have said he's unreliable, nasty and will more then likely keep going back and forth, messing with your head and your emotions. Be strong, accept it's over and stop pleading with him, your worth more then him dangling you on a rope when your already in a vulnerable position. Obviously it's your life but I'd cut him out of it, I guarantee you when he realises your not interested anymore he will come back with his tail between his legs saying he loves you again but I doubt it will be true. If he's able to be a decent father then of course have contact for the sake of the baby but it doesn't look like he will ever be able to give you a stable, loving, committed relationship.

Brace yourself, I’m going to sound very forthright!

Frankly, I’d block him, wouldn’t put him on birth certificate, I’d claim child support, take back control of my life and tell him to eff-off.

I can see why you’re so keen to make it work with this man, you’re pregnant and it’s hurtful and scary, so I’m not judging you but you need to start exercising some self respect
he dumped you, then you accepted him back immediately
he treated you terribly and dumped you again and you ‘begged and begged’
literally no one needs to be with someone treating them so disrespectfully. Figure out that you (literally anyone) is worth more than that.

he stated he wasn’t making an effort because he didn’t want to. He isn’t in love with me, there’s no spark or romance there and hasn’t been for a while and he doesn’t want to force his feelings anymore
This is an odd thing for anyone to say. You also mention maybe this is all because he’s no longer attracted you, as though that explains it.
If someone is pregnant, and even more so, pregnant with your kid, you don’t need to love them or even like them to treat them with basic kindness and show a low level of concern for your child.

Dear OP,
I have met someone like that before, but it did not involve kids. What it did involve was money.
He is a chicken, he’s basically chickened out of adult life, family and responsibilities.
I understand it hurts and it will hurt for some time, but…if it wouldn’t have happened now, it would have happened some time later. He could have said after the childbirth that he doesn’t feel attracted to you anymore or something equally stupid.
With people like this if you let him he will spend years leaving and coming back.
You will have moved on and will have a different man later and he will still be trying to reach out to you from time to time. He’s a homeless mutt as far as his character goes.
Your baby will love you no matter what. Your baby is your most meaningful relationship in this life, please focus on that. When you will hold your baby for the first time none of this will matter anymore. Realistically all you need from him is to just pay up his bills after the baby arrives. Later on you will meet a respectable and worthy man. You will look back at this and laugh and be happy you dodged this wet wipe of a man. Stay strong. For both you and the baby.