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Original poster

Pregnant and MIL doesn’t like me HELP!!!

24 replies

ex3456 · 20/04/2024 21:24

Sooo me and my boyfriend haven’t been together that long. I am 10 weeks away from giving birth (fell pregnant very quickly into our relationship) and I have not seen or spoke to his mum in months. I have never ‘bonded’ with her and don’t have the opportunity to see her that much. We have each other on social media but not once has she checked on me or baby throughout my pregnancy (even after complications and hospital admissions that she is aware of) nor made an effort to contribute anything toward her grandchild. I was hesitant to make an effort initially as she was still in close contact with my partners ex and quite frankly this made me feel very uncomfortable and unwanted and like she was comparing the two of us, especially after I fell pregnant. She is pleasant to me in person but has told my partner that she doesn’t like me. She thinks I’m rude as I don’t make an effort with her. But it works both ways surely? I have a valid reason for having a guard up and it hurts me that this has come across as rude as I am anything but. This is now causing a strain on my relationship too and I am also worried that she won’t want to have a relationship with her grandchild when they’re here or on the flip side make a big fuss when they’re here even though she hasn’t been here at all my whole pregnancy. I am just wondering if I should reach out to her and show an effort? Maybe plan to do something with her? I feel like the only way I am going to get ‘closer’ with her is for me to make the first effort. I am just at a crossroads on what to do and it is stressful especially as I am so far into my pregnancy. Any advice would be helpful :)

OP posts:
Lesina · 20/04/2024 21:26

Ignore her and concentrate on your baby.

LittleOwl153 · 20/04/2024 21:31

Leave her to it. But make it clear to your partner if she has no interest or contact now that you expect that to co tinge after baby is born and will not be seeking to suddenly spend loads of time in her presence so that she can access baby.

JoniBlue · 20/04/2024 21:40

Smile a lot when you see her, let her realize you are not unfriendly, but a little unsure and shy until you get to know each other. Treat her son well and his happiness will help her warm to you.
You could invite her over for dinner one evening perhaps, or to go to a garden centre, or whatever local stuff is around? Does she have any grandchildren yet?

patchworkpal · 20/04/2024 21:43

Oh well never mind. Her loss. You're about to have a baby so don't mind her and focus on yourself

NightPuffins · 20/04/2024 21:51

I would offer an olive branch. Invite her to do something - you can be the better person and give her the chance to change - it can be something simple. Like,
"MIL I'm planning to go shopping for some baby clothes, wondered if you would like to come along and help me choose a few things then we could get lunch together afterwards".
Don't specify a day, just let her say yes or no to the idea.
If she says no, you know where you stand and don't need to think about it again. If she says yes, keep it lighthearted.

Lallanala · 20/04/2024 21:57

I was in a similar position to you, although this was 15 years ago. I made the decision to not bother with mum in law, which then caused all sorts of issues. I felt very much like you and in hindsight I wish I’d handed an olive branch. Helped create a b

Lallanala · 20/04/2024 22:00

Sorry posted too soon….wish I’d handed an olive branch to her and tried to form a relationship for all of our sakes. As actually, as long as she’s not a dangerous person she is the baby’s grandmother, and family is so important. She will be your child’s very close family. And in my experience the more people around and involved and part of your child’s life, the fuller and happier all your lives will be.

CulturalNomad · 20/04/2024 22:03

She is pleasant to me in person but has told my partner that she doesn’t like me

And what was your partner's response to his mother? Also I'm wondering why he felt it necessary to tell you this bit of information.🤔

Original poster
ex3456 · 20/04/2024 22:05

CulturalNomad · 20/04/2024 22:03

She is pleasant to me in person but has told my partner that she doesn’t like me

And what was your partner's response to his mother? Also I'm wondering why he felt it necessary to tell you this bit of information.🤔

He said it in anger in an argument regarding our families. I’m not sure if she actually has said this but it would make sense hence her not ever making an effort

OP posts:
Crapuscular · 20/04/2024 22:07

Please reach out to her. It's her grandchild.
Please don't be an MN mum who wants nothing to do with her.

Original poster
ex3456 · 20/04/2024 22:08

Yes I am wanting to be the bigger person and am hoping by me making an effort will be the start of somewhat of a relationship with her. I do feel judged by her and she makes it so obvious she’s not interested in getting to know me but then when she says things like I’m rude because I don’t speak to her or make an effort with her suggests she’s expecting me to make the first move. But why would she want me to do this? She’s the grown up in the situation and as a soon to be mum to a boy I would hate to make my future daughter in law feel so uncomfortable and left out. I feel like I shouldn’t have to be the one to do this.

OP posts:
MumChp · 20/04/2024 22:11

NightPuffins · 20/04/2024 21:51

I would offer an olive branch. Invite her to do something - you can be the better person and give her the chance to change - it can be something simple. Like,
"MIL I'm planning to go shopping for some baby clothes, wondered if you would like to come along and help me choose a few things then we could get lunch together afterwards".
Don't specify a day, just let her say yes or no to the idea.
If she says no, you know where you stand and don't need to think about it again. If she says yes, keep it lighthearted.

This!

Let her know she can play a part in your family life if she wants to.

MumChp · 20/04/2024 22:13

ex3456 · 20/04/2024 22:08

Yes I am wanting to be the bigger person and am hoping by me making an effort will be the start of somewhat of a relationship with her. I do feel judged by her and she makes it so obvious she’s not interested in getting to know me but then when she says things like I’m rude because I don’t speak to her or make an effort with her suggests she’s expecting me to make the first move. But why would she want me to do this? She’s the grown up in the situation and as a soon to be mum to a boy I would hate to make my future daughter in law feel so uncomfortable and left out. I feel like I shouldn’t have to be the one to do this.

Sometime we can make a pisitive difference for our own life - your child - being the bigger person. It can be worth it. Even rewarding.

MrSlant · 20/04/2024 22:17

Honestly I was a little scared of my MIL when I was newly married and then pregnant, we were very different in so many ways but when my DS1 was born seeing how much she loved him meant we became friends. She loved my son nearly as much as I did and frankly that made her one of my favourite people. Keep you mind open and let her know you are open to a friendly relationship and you'll get there.

My DS' are grown men now too and I find it hard to get the balance right sometimes with their girlfriends, I'm a lovely person but just because I'm older doesn't mean I always get it right first time either! Especially as you got pregnant so quickly, remember she loves your partner with the same ferocity that you love your baby, it doesn't fade just because they grow up. Good luck, I'm sure you will find your way together.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 20/04/2024 22:24

ex3456 · 20/04/2024 22:08

Yes I am wanting to be the bigger person and am hoping by me making an effort will be the start of somewhat of a relationship with her. I do feel judged by her and she makes it so obvious she’s not interested in getting to know me but then when she says things like I’m rude because I don’t speak to her or make an effort with her suggests she’s expecting me to make the first move. But why would she want me to do this? She’s the grown up in the situation and as a soon to be mum to a boy I would hate to make my future daughter in law feel so uncomfortable and left out. I feel like I shouldn’t have to be the one to do this.

"She’s the grown up in the situation"

This makes you sound so ridiculously childish.

If you want a relationship with this woman, it isn't going to kill you to take the first step.

If that step isn't appreciated or then reciprocated, you'll know where you stand.

Ultimately sounds like you both need to grow up.

As does your partner after telling you his mum doesn't like you.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/04/2024 22:29

She hasn't got to know you. If I were your MIL I would feel funny about making the first move, in case you didn't want to know, or didn't like me. Please ask her if she fancies meeting you for a coffee (or similar).

Lillers · 20/04/2024 22:32

She’s the grown up in the situation

No, OP, you are both adults. You’re about to be a mum.

I get that you feel she should make the effort, but it sounds from your original post that she probably doesn’t trust your relationship because 1) she liked your partner’s previous girlfriend and 2) you got pregnant quickly. She probably thinks you did it on purpose to “trap” her son (even though this is probably far from the truth).

This can only go 2 ways. Either you prove to her that you are good for her son and make his life better, or she’ll always be mistrustful of you. It sounds like you and your partner are arguing, and he’s probably talking to her about the problems in the relationship.

So you need him to help you. If the source of the arguments is the relationship you have with each other’s families, ask him to help you with his mum. Make it clear that you want a good relationship, but if he bad mouths you to her, that can never happen. You don’t have to go out of your way to set up lunch dates with her or anything if you don’t want to, but maybe ask your partner to set up something, like the 3 of you going to pick out paint colours for the nursery or something like that. Leave the ball in your partner’s court to help you with this - he needs to back you and give you opportunities to show your MIL that you are good together and you do make him happy.

Original poster
ex3456 · 20/04/2024 22:33

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/04/2024 22:29

She hasn't got to know you. If I were your MIL I would feel funny about making the first move, in case you didn't want to know, or didn't like me. Please ask her if she fancies meeting you for a coffee (or similar).

The thing is, she makes a clear effort for the ex (still does) and never has for me. It’s a weird situation but of course makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable. I am going to reach out and hopefully get some positive energy back

OP posts:
CulturalNomad · 20/04/2024 22:36

ex3456 · 20/04/2024 22:05

He said it in anger in an argument regarding our families. I’m not sure if she actually has said this but it would make sense hence her not ever making an effort

Show quote history

Well he was an ass to say this to you. If it's true then it's only going to make you feel hurt and if he made it up to throw at you in an argument then he's childish and mean.

Sometimes all we can hope for is to have a cordial relationship with some people. If you're going to be in each other's lives for years to come then I think it's worth the effort to establish a mutually respectful relationship if you can.

You need to get your partner on board with this. You're about to start a new life together as parents and, if at all possible, it's ideal to have the support of grandparents when your little one arrives.

Good luck and congratulations😀

likepebblesonabeach · 20/04/2024 22:36

Why on earth did your DP tell you she doesn't like you, even if it was in anger.
I don't think there's anything wrong with her still being friendly with his ex, you can't dictate who she is friends with.
Also she is not the only grown up, that is a strange thing for someone about to have a baby to say. You are also a grown up

parababe · 21/04/2024 07:51

Your DP was an arse to say that to you!
Having said that, there may be some things influencing MIL take on the situation......
How long have you been together with DP?
How long had he split with the ex when you got with him and how long had they been together....?
For instance, and this may very well not be the case. If he had only just split with his long term partner, then immediately got with you and you were pregnant within weeks, I can see how this may influence her thoughts.
However, this may also be that she's a nightmare and your never gonna be as good as the perfect ex....
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that its all about the back story - But DP still an arse to say that to you

saraclara · 21/04/2024 07:59

She’s the grown up in the situation and as a soon to be mum...

No. You're about to be a mum. So if you don't consider yourself a grown up, it's about time you did

You're both adults. You're annoyed that she isn't making an effort, but you're quite clear that you aren't either. This impasse could go on forever. Just get on with it and actively be nice to her and invite her for a coffee or something. You're being ridiculously stubborn and immature.

SantasRubiksCube · 21/04/2024 08:58

All three of you sound a bit immature to me 😵‍💫 your being stubborn and waiting for her to make the first move, your DP is saying things in spite to you about her not liking you (maybe he's running to her and telling her about your arguments?) and she's keeping you at a distance for whatever reason. It doesn't matter if she still has contact with his ex, unless your DP still contacts her then she's no threat to you. I'd do what a PP suggested and offer a light-hearted invitation to do something baby related without giving a particular date, then she can either say yes or no and you know where you stand. There's a baby about to come into all this and tbh it all sounds abit silly and trivial.

CB2805 · 21/04/2024 10:25

OP it’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable with this whole situation. In my opinion tho your partner should be the one to break the ice and bring you and your MIL closer?! Arranging a family dinner? Or a general outing? Or even a walk to a park just so you can spend some time together and get you both out of the uncomfortable situation who will make the first move?
although I strongly believe your mil should get closer to you throughout the pregnancy - you have enough on your plate preparing for your baby as a FTM and stressing over your mil if she likes you or not it’s not great neither for you or the baby!
I get what everyone else says on above comments BUT the fact she didn’t get in touch with you after a difficult pregnancy and hospital admission says a lot and I find it weird - at the end of the day we talking about her grandchild even if she doesn’t like you!
that said just keep it casual with her try to have her in your life for the sake of the child - but don’t stress it out and don’t put too much pressure on yourself🫶🏻

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