How to feel about telling family

[Aardbeien]

Even though I only just found out that I'm pregnant my husband and I chose to let my mother know because we're living with her (in a temporary but ever extending way)

The problem is her own feelings of joy and excitement are knocking over my own feelings. I'm happy she's happy, but I'd like some acknowledgement of my own feelings, I told her how I feel uncertain (a very wanted child, just nerves because we're not in our own place and short on funds) and she responded saying that it's the best thing ever and that she's so happy.

I just needed somewhere to let that out, I think I understand well why most people don't say anything too early. I haven't even come out of shock and into my own joy yet.

I think you’re letting your own worries cloud your judgement. Shes not going to agree with you as it’s only going to make you worry and stress more so instead she’s feeling excited to show you it’s okay.

Sit down with her and explain you’re worried and feeling nervous, she will no doubt tell you that every person feels like that and even though the baby is incredibly wanted, it’s okay to feel you’re not fully ready yet.

She isn’t taking away your feelings, she isn’t being more happy than you, she’s just showing you that she’s happy and trying to focus on that just now as you said it’s early days and you still have plenty of time to figure things out.

Congratulations on the baby news, take time to enjoy it and share with others whenever you’re ready.

You need to tell her how you feel. And also, you don’t have to be full of joy. I’m 16 weeks now and I’m just about accepting it’s happening-a long way off joy. After a miscarriage last year, I’ve been so worried that there’s no way I expect to be excited! I hate the narrative that pregnant women should be excited from day 1. I told my family and friends quite early in my previous and current pregnancy, but always said ‘it’s early days still’ - to try and stop over excitement.

I completely get this!
The day after I got my positive test, we were going to my mum’s birthday celebration. We didn’t want to tell anyone yet, but we also knew at 1) she would ask why I wasn’t drinking (no excuse would have satisfied her unfortunately) and 2) I was in a weird shocked state and she’d have thought something was wrong. So before we got there we texted her (and my sister) to say we’d just found out I was pregnant and we were really pleased but didn’t want to celebrate yet because it’s so early. They were trying to stick to my wishes but couldn’t help themselves doing a toast to the baby (not in front of others) and I could see the excitement on my mum’s face the whole time.

I felt weirdly guilty as if I was promising them something incredible that I might have to take away from them at some point. Daft really.

I’m lucky that I don’t live with them so it was then out of sight out of mind really - I can imagine it being quite overwhelming to live with.

The suggestion I would make if she isn’t hearing how shocked/numb you are at the minute (which is exactly how I felt even though the baby was very much wanted) is maybe ask her how she felt the first time she found out she was pregnant. Not in an antagonistic way - in a curious, “I want to understand your experience” way. It might remind her of how those early days felt and she might be able to empathise more. Or she might just say she was ecstatic and singing from the rooftops, but you won’t have made things worse by asking.

Oh the other piece of advice I have is maybe let her tell someone (just one person) so she can do her happy dance with them - I realised too late that my mum was desperate to tell my aunt (her sister) and if she’d had her to talk to, it might have eased the perceived pressure on me.

Had exactly the same. I had also just lost my job, and all my mum kept going on about was how this was the best ever. I was happy to be pregnant but whilst I was tired, hormonal, throwing up 24/7 and worrying about how I was going to pay for this baby, it didn’t feel the best ever. It felt like my feelings and stress and situation were irrelevant, because no one else has to deal with them, they just got a baby at the end. I felt like there wasn’t space for my feelings because hers were so big and taking up so much space.

I mentioned a few times that I was overwhelmed, that it was great news but I had so much else to think about right now that I was preoccupied with that, and I’d really like to not add any more pressure. I think it reminded her that me becoming a mum is a bit more complicated for me than her becoming a grandmother is for her.
It took a couple of weeks but she calmed down and she’s been great since

I think you need to talk about your own feelings to someone with less skin in the game. She gets to have her own response, which is happiness. You only told her because you’re living with her. Tell a friend who won’t have strong feelings either way, or a therapist.

Thanks for all the replies everyone!

I had a chat with her to let her share her excitement with me and I let her tell my brother and sister in law, my sister in law has been great about asking how I feel physically and mentally so I'm feeling more listened to as well.