When to tell 5 year old DD?

[Saltpepperpaprika]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, IVF baby, long time coming 🙂 DD is 5 and has been desperate for a sibling for years. We're so excited to tell her but just can't figure out when, and how. It'll be a Big Deal to her, it'll be the best day of her life literally. I have a friend who's the same weeks as me and has told her 2 year old and he doesn't really understand/care, I'm a bit jealous of those low stakes! Everyone else in our lives already know pretty much, but I'm very concerned about protecting DD's feelings. I can't stand the thought of getting her hopes up and then something goes wrong. If she was much younger I would wait till the 20 week scan but she's old enough that she will have noticed something before then. Next week is the 12 week scan but I don't know whether to tell her after that, or wait a bit longer for the trisomy results, or till 16 weeks till we have a gender scan and even more reassurance...I just don't know. I also have a cute idea of buying her a t-shirt that says big sister and a babygrow that says little sister/brother, I would love to tell her by doing that, but then I have a horrible thought that something awful could be found at 20 weeks and on top of the heartache she'd be left with those items 😞 and maybe we should tell her earlier in a more low-key way. What is the best way of handling this?

Tbh Ive not had this scenario (mine was 2) but I would go low key partly incase anything goes wrong but also if it becomes this huge thing she may get overwhelmed.

I wouldn't want to tell her until after the 20 week scan.

Also bear in mind she won't be able to keep it quiet so don't tell her before you're ready for everyone to know.

I'd leave it as late as possible. She's only little so a long period of anticipation isn't going to be meaningful for her.

If you're likely to start showing early, then I'd make sure to tell her before any of her school friends (or their parents) might say anything to her. I found out about a similarly big family change (albeit not a baby) through friends who thought I knew already, My parents had wanted to keep it quiet from us kids as long as possible, and it was a horrible shock.

Our age gap between children was similar and we told our eldest just before we told the rest of the family, so after the first scan I think. She had a lot of questions 😅 but otherwise coped fine.

My daughter was 7 when we conceived her baby sister (7 months now) and she had wanted a sibling for years. We had the same concerns as you, that she would be devastated if anything went wrong but was old enough to notice things so couldn’t wait until 20 weeks scan. We told her at 14 weeks after the 12 weeks scan and trisomy results came back low risk.

I bought a goody bag with a big sister countdown chalk plaque and a t shirt that said “big sister to be in 2023” and some sweets and she loved it and was so shocked and excited. We recorded her opening the bag and her reaction and it’s a very special memory and love looking back at it

I agree, wait until after the 20 week scan. I think I waited til 24 weeks to tell my DS.

In an ideal world I would wait until after the 20 week scan. However, I will be clearly showing well before then and so I want to tell my colleagues and our extended families before then. And I wouldn't want other people to know and not my DC in case they say anything to them and I wouldn't want them to find out second hand. I'm 13 weeks and we are still waiting for my trisomy screening results to come back, which I'm told could be up to another week. Assuming they're all low chance we will break the news with our DC (5 and 2) and then gradually with everyone else too. It's been extra hard for us as I have HG which I also haven't explained to DC1 yet so it will be useful for them to find out and understand why I'm so sick as well.

I always waited until last trimester when mine be were little. Not necessarily because I didn’t want to wait so ‘nothing could go wrong’ but time is different for them, and the thought of a kid asking ‘how much longer until baby gets here’ every second day would do my head in.

We did have one child where we knew there would be significant issues at birth and initial survival was uncertain so we didn’t say anything to the kids. When I became huge and they asked if there was a baby in my tummy we said we didn’t know and the Dr’s would see if there was or wasn’t later. That seemed to satisfy them🤣.

Maybe wait til 16 weeks scan and see if you’re showing then? I wouldn’t buy her any stuff though, just tell her.

i think you can easily hide it from a 5 year old until the 20 week scan

Our DS was 5 when we found out I was pregnant with DD 🙂 Unfortunately I have been hospitalised multiple times with HG, so to prevent him from worrying we told him very early on - he was chuffed! Didn't have time to think about "how" to tell him really as I was incredibly unwell, just the words "you're going to be a big brother" etc were enough to delight him.

I think it's lovely if you want to plan something more elaborate but don't feel guilty if you go for a simplistic approach, either!

DD arriving on Friday, DS is now 6 and very pleased that the wait is nearly over 😅

OP, you say that everyone else in your life already knows, so I think you've got little chance of hiding it from your dd. If I were you I'd tell her before someone else does.

I'd leave it as late as possible. 6 months is a very long time for something to happen. As per others I'd also want the reassurance of the 20 week scan as helping her process a loss could be very difficult. Also the concept of wanting a sibling and enjoying having one is different. She's old enough to perhaps be able to realise some of the implications, and once she has time to think those through she may not be as delighted as you think. I would hold off, wait for a bit more certainty, then tell her but keep it low key. It can be exciting but doesn't need to be a big deal, otherwise it could become quite overwhelming for her.

Re other people telling her - just tell them not to surely?!

We told our then 4 and 7 year old after 12 week scan because I was showing. Also ivf babies here so I get the additional angst!
I wouldn't do a tshirt or anything, but then that's not me. Enjoy the excitement and then explain that you hope everything goes well with baby growing etc. I think 5 is old enough to understand that.

People get excited and forget/don't think though. My DM was talking about it the other day in front of my 5yo even though she knows my 5yo doesn't know yet, I had to get her to stop and she was mortified as she forgot. I think people who no longer have little ones/or who have never had them often forget little ears are around and listening tbh.

We ended up telling DS when I was about 14 weeks I think, he asked if there was a baby in my tummy! We gave him a baby doll after the 20 week scan came back clear. I would leave the "big sister" t-shirt until baby is actually here though (it can be a present from the baby!).

It's tricky though, if DS hadn't asked I think we might have waited until the 20 week scan!

@WeightoftheWorld must be different in different families then. I'm in the same situation and can't imagine any of the people I've told letting it slip accidentally! Although to be honest we don't have enough time to have much of a conversation when my daughter is around anyway - can't get a word in edgeways!

I've had two experiences with this with my then 4, now 5 year old. He took like your little girl was desperate for a sibling,best day of his life situation. We told him around 12 weeks at Christmas 2022, with a big brother T-shirt and the baby scan. 2 weeks later we found out the baby died and I miscarried. He scream cried, I've ever heard him make that sound before. It broke him and it broke me. I've felt so guilty since, I know it's not my fault but I feel I failed him, it made the whole situation a million times worse that he knew.

Fast forward to July/August time I fell pregnant again. I hid it from him in fear of destroying his little heart again. I told him at 21 weeks, after multiple scans, nothing bad ever being picked up etc. He was so happy but it caused him some anxiety, knowing what happened to the first baby. He asked me everyday if I felt the baby kick, if I think she's ok. We would listen to hear heartbeat together on the Doppler (after id secretly checked while he was sleeping that there was infact still a detectable heartbeat). He cried when I went into labour, scared we would both die this time. I thank any and every god that last week I brought him home a beautiful baby sister and he's the best big brother I could ever ask for. He adores her. I'm so glad I waited and I'm so glad he didn't have to go through that again. In labour I begged the midwives to make sure she was ok, so I didn't let him down again.

I'd always always suggest telling after the 20 week scan now, you'd be surprised what kids won't realised and how easy you can hide it from their innocent little minds. We still got to take him to a scan or two, 4d scan etc once I could feel her to know it wouldn't be awful news. He still found the wait super long lol, so glad I cut the time down for him abit too. I hope everything goes well for you but please do be careful, just Incase x

After 20 weeks for us. Such a long wait otherwise. A 20 week wait is pretty long as it is tbh!

Thank you for all your ideas, it's helped me to think it through properly. @Ttcmumma your story has really affected me, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I think firstly I'll cut out the idea of doing a grand gesture to tell her, keep it more low key.
I'm not hugely worried about anyone telling her before we do, our families live elsewhere and we won't see them again for several weeks. Nobody she sees on a daily basis knows (anyone at school, childminder etc). On the other hand I'm already showing a little, which may mean I'm huge at 20 weeks and she does know what pregnant women look like! She's already seen my vitamin box and the woman on the front, and declared that these are vitamins for pregnant mummies....somehow she didn't make the connection with me taking them though 😆 I'm a bit concerned about that kind of slip up. I think we'll aim for as late as we can get away with, and play it by ear a little with how we're feeling, how big I am etc. Thanks again everyone x

We told our 3.5 year-old once we'd got the results back at 14 weeks. Once he knew he told everyone he saw, but we were okay with that. I've been really poorly with HG so it also felt nice to explain to him.

Then we had a gender scan at 16 weeks and he came along with us, he was so excited to find out if he was getting a baby brother or sister. It was really lovely!

If others know - tell her. Someone will let it out of the bag, you can be sure of that.

I told my nearly 5yo little boy after the 12 week scan, it's was important to me that he knew before everyone else because he's going to be most affected. Also I felt really bad about not being able to do certain stuff with him that we did before with no explanation ie trampolining etc.

We’re in the same situation now, I’m 17 weeks with a little girl

my daughter is 8 and son 4 (with disabilities) don’t know yet I’m thinking of telling them this weekend. I’m nervous in case sometime goes wrong my daughter is desperate for a sister but it will also be overwhelming and it’s a long time to wait for a new baby when ur 8.

when I had my son I told her at 12 weeks ( we didn’t know he was a boy until birth) and it drove her mad waiting and not knowing.

Im starting to show and I can’t tell anyone because I want her to know first, in case someone says something. so bearing in mind the circumstances I think I’m going to tell her this weekend (we bought T-shirts and I will get balloons) I showed her the scan last time and she was too young she didn’t understand x xx

We're in the same position with a 5 year old and a long awaited 2nd baby

We're going to tell him after we get the NIPT results back (assuming good news!)

He knows Mummy has been poorly (I've got HG) but he doesn't seem to have realised I'm pregnant

We've told him for years it's very unlikely he'll have a little brother or sister because my tummy is broken and the doctors can't fix it so I hope he's happy