Socially anxious - telling friends about pregnancy

[Bluecroc]

I’m quite socially anxious, I am a massive people pleaser and I can see why what I’m about to explain might seem ridiculous to some people.

I am 11 weeks pregnant with 1st. I was planning to keep it a secret until my 13 week scan. Before this I was very social and went out with friends drinking lots. So far I have managed to drink 0% beer at gatherings without my friends noticing.

It’s becoming harder to hide, with one friend very suspicious of me not drinking last week but I just played it off. Tonight I’m going to the theatre and this one friend keeps mentioning having a couple of wines beforehand (as we usually would before pregnancy).

This friend will be very happy for me when she finds out. I just get so nervous thinking of excuses. I’ve planted the seed and told her I’m having stomach issues and she said ‘hopefully a wine will sort you out tonight.’

Part of me wants to tell her so I can stop lying and so I feel less nervous about disguising it from her. I feel awkward that she’s suspicious of me and that I’m lying. I’m overthinking and anxious about it and telling her would probably relieve me of the worry.

The other part of me wants to tell my mum first and wait until the 13 weeks. My anxiety is taking over to the point where the previous option feels a lot easier. Does it even matter what order I tell people in?

I know if I was more confident and secure I wouldn’t care what people thought and I’d be happy to wait until 13 weeks. But that’s not the case for me, so please be kind.

I’ve tried to speak to my partner about this but he is tired of me worrying about what I might say to people as he’s listened to me for 11 weeks. He told me to seek therapy, he thinks I shouldn’t care what people think about me not drinking. He’s right, I shouldn’t care, but it’s easy to say that when you’re not in my head. I wish he was a bit more sympathetic but he’s stressed at work right now and doesn’t need my added baggage. So I thought I’d seek some advice on here instead.

I’m also unsure how to tell my friend. What do I say/how do I say it? Just go ahead and say ‘I’m pregnant.’ I hate overthinking all of these things.

Firstly, Congratulations!!
I’m really sorry you’re struggling with social anxiety.
Could you just keep it really simple and say you’re finding you feel better when you don’t drink so you’re gonna stick to non-alcoholics at least for the time being. Completely true of course - being pregnant you would feel absolutely terrible if you drank alcohol, for multiple reasons 😉
Reassure her you can still have plenty of fun together and are more than happy with her drinking. Tell her you’ll enjoy the smell from her glass or something.
That should buy you the time you need and a real friend shouldn’t pressure you to drink anyway. That statement should be more than enough.
Then you can tell who you want to in whatever order you feel most comfortable with without the pressure.
All the best x

I was like this in my first pregnancy. The truth is your friend will probably guess/assume you're pregnant, but if she's a good friend she'll wait to be told rather than ask you outright. If she does ask, I would look a bit shocked but say something like "we're trying, so I'm keeping off the wines for a bit" as it's not a lie but not the full truth. If she complains later you can say it's rude to ask/hassle people about this stuff!

You could show her your scan picture when you get it?? An ‘I’ve got something to show you’ kind of thing?

This.

Would this friend keep it secret if you ask her to?

(If you're telling you don't need to show a scan photo, just tell her)

If she’s very close and you’re worried she’d be upset you hadn’t told her sooner you could follow it up by saying something like ‘I wanted you to be one of the first to know, after my Mum’. That way you’re letting her know she’s special to you. And I really doubt she’d expect to be told before your Mum if that’s what you decide you’d like to do.

Obviously can just say you’re pregnant but I know with social anxiety it can make you clam up and worry and overthink round in circles about what words to use etc, and then you end up nervous etc as you’re going though now which is why I suggested the scan photo as it speaks for you

In all honesty she probably knows/suspects your pregnant and has mentioned drinking in order to see you refuse. That way she can confirm her suspicions without asking outright - if she is a good friend I reckon she is really happy for you and is just waiting for you to confirm, especially if she knows you have been trying. And this is her not so great way of alleviating her own suspicions.

When a couple of friends have been pregnant before (especially those who enjoy a drink), once you think they're pregnant, it's very difficult to get it out of your head and you will rightly or wrongly be excitedly waiting for an announcement. And when I was pregnant I think people were the same - one friend brought me my favourite drink and when I refused with no good reason you could see it all click into place as if it was the final proof she needed. She would never have said anything, made no comments but she had satisfied her curiosity so to speak!

Also in terms of telling people - I found it so awkward to suddenly bring it up in conversation so it totally understand your feelings around this. After my 12 week scan I just messaged everyone I wanted to tell (luckily quite a few group chats which made it easier/quicker) and then it was a natural part of the conversation when I saw people as they would offer their congratulations, we would chat about the pregnancy, answer the standard questions (you exited, do you know if boy or girl, what do you want, partner pleased, parents pleased, names, how does mat leave work, have you been sick etc) ans then conversation would move on

She's guessed already.
If you would tell your mum and this friend if you had complications, you may as well tell your mum and then tell you friend and get it over with.
If you wouldn't tell them, you may need to invent something (antibiotics, health kick, long road trip in the morning....)

Thank you everyone, you have definitely all made me feel better. I like the idea of just messaging them to tell them or showing them a photo so I don’t have to struggle with the words. I even found the words hard to say to my partner! I think it’s when I’ve been waiting to say something out loud but then build it up in my head and get nervous about saying it.

Tonight I’m going to say I have a sore stomach and have plans in the morning - you’re right they are probably already thinking I’m pregnant and there’s nothing I can do to change their mind. They only have to wait 2 more weeks until I tell them.

Thanks again everyone x

I just went with answering questions honestly rather than announcing. So if anyone asked why I wasn't drinking I just told them. When it was early I caveated it with "of course it's only early days at 7 weeks and anything could happen" which then pretty much changed the subject.

Was much easier than announcing anything which I hated doing.

I just told people I needed to so I didn’t have to keep coming up with stories. They were people who were close to me who I could trust to keep it quiet.

I know myself that if something had happened early days they would be right there supporting me so had so problem in telling them and it actually felt like a relief to not have to deal with things just with my OH (who is amazing but sometimes you just need a woman’s perspective)

If keeping it secret is causing this much anxiety, just tell people.

Never show scan photos unless asked. It can horribly upsetting if someone has experienced a miscarriage

I’m very pro telling early, and that’s having had a miscarriage. It sounds like the hiding it is causing a lot of anxiety. I’d just tell your mum soon and then tell others - via text if easier. Don’t send a scan pic. The 13 week scan isn’t a magic point where everything is guaranteed. And I agree with partner about seeking therapy-pregnancy and parenting will only be made easier if you can be more resilient to what others think.