Unplanned pregnancy, but we are hesitant

[WildKoala]

Hello good night.

I'm a 27 year old man, in a relationship with a wonderful 25 year old woman for 2 years. Since her job requires her to travel frequently, we don't live together, and we don't have so much sex, se we choosed to use the condom as our only contraception (no mental burden/adverse effects for her, a way to take my share, in short the perfect contraception for us).

Except... A few weeks ago, we learned that she was a few weeks pregnant. By cross-checking the dates, we realized that it corresponded to a somewhat drunken evening, where, even if we protected ourselves, I probably positioned my condom incorrectly.
And it came at the wrong time of the month...

The thing is that even if we were planning to become parents, we thought we would wait until we were at least "settled" in our relationship (first, by being settled together), we talked about starting the attempts to 'here 2-3 years (minimum). In addition, My partner started online bachelor for a new job last year. On my side, I'm lucky because my job that is enjoying me as much its brings me comfort, but I still have personal projects that are not really compatible with a child.

As trivial as these reasons may seem, all this means, for me, this baby is arriving at the worst possible time... and in the worst possible way. I experience this contraceptive failure as a personal failure, and, for me, having a baby without planning is simply unimaginable; For me, procreation is such an important act in terms of its responsibility that it must be carefully thought through, not the result of a drunken night.

But she hesitates.
She cries, has difficulty falling asleep... and me too; in fact, even if, a few days ago, abortion seemed obvious to me, part of me is starting to doubt, to hesitate.

Time is running out to make a decision, so I came to this forum to collect your testimonies of unwanted pregnancies, and your advices.

Thanks in advance.

If she doesn't want an abortion then support her in that

@supertatos i'm afraid about her studies, and our relationship ; on the one hand, I would like to support her, but on the other hand, I think it's really too early.

ok but what does she want. You had sex with her, you knew the potential outcomes.

Sad as it may seem, it's 100% her choice. Pressure her and you'll lose her but you'll still have to pay for the child.

for me, having a baby without planning is simply unimaginable

Sorry to sound unsympathetic but the first thing you learn when you have a baby is something along the lines of “Man plans, God laughs”.

Life just doesn’t work like that and terminating a pregnancy simply because it’s 2 or 3 years earlier than you wanted seems rather odd to me.

I’m pro choice but the choice isn’t yours to make, I’m sorry. All you can do now is support her in whatever decision she makes, or leave.

@supertatos I never said that I didn't knew the outcomes, but as we were using condoms ans checking it, a pregnancy wasn't an option for us.
She is hesitating, like me ; even if it's obviously her body, it's also (as you said) my responsablity.

@BirthdayRainbow Who talked about pressure ? We are thinking about it together, but WE are afraid about future and hesitating, espacially about her studies, and starting to live together with a baby.

@DigbyIsNotADog Don't worry, you dont sound unsympathetic, and (even if I'm an atheist)n I understand, but parenting seems so hard, and 2-3 years was a minimum, a part of me don't feel ready... but another part IS scrawling on childcare products website.
Leaving isn't an option, but we are really Lost...

I didn't say you were but your post is of a certain tone so I could imagine that pressure might happen

@BirthdayRainbow Ok. No, it's not our way to overcome hard times ; talking about issues is really important for us

If ifs and buts were cookies and nuts

It's her body, her choice. Sounds like she's very upset and doesn't want to do it, but you're being unsupportive.

Put your big boy pants on and accept you're a grown man and she's having your child, these excuses you've made just don't stand up

You have to support her decision, whatever that is. If you chose to have sex, it’s always a small risk.

@WildKoala I feel like some previous responses have been a bit harsh towards you. You sound thoughtful and like a supportive partner who is absolutely accepting his part in this which is great. From my understanding you are trying to come to terms with the shock/surprise of a little baby appearing at a moment when you weren't expecting them and trying to get your heads around whether or not you can make it work. You are not the first couple to face this dilemma and you won't be the last.

You sound like you are coming round to the idea a little bit. I get the bit about personal plans etc - do you both think you could make peace with a change to your intended paths? For instance, your personal goals that you don't think are compatible with parenting, are they things you could pick up again at a later time? Or are they things you could replace with other more family friendly goals? As for her degree, there are ways to postpone/take a year out etc so it wouldn't have to be the end of the line for her studies.

It does sound very much like she is bonding with her pregnancy and may well feel unable to end it even if you decide that would be the right path for you. In that case, as you and previous posters have noted, it would be her bodily autonomy to make that choice and it would be up to you to support her, whether or not you stayed together.

Admittedly I am approaching your question from the perspective of someone who has had the opposite problem recently. Last year I experienced 3 (very much wanted) pregnancy losses. In our case, the timing was perfect and everything was in place. It just wasn't happening. Thankfully I'm currently pregnant again and past the 20wk mark this time but my point is, life doesn't always work out how you want/hope. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad. Pregnancies and babies are never guaranteed but sometimes they come along and catch us by surprise.

Would it help you to project yourself forwards in time. Imagine you are an 80yr old man, looking back on his life and family. What do you think he would say to you as you face this decision? What are his memories/regrets?

I'm sure you will make a decision you can live with because you are thinking it through so carefully. It's not simple but trust yourself. And best of luck to you and your partner.

@RedRobyn2021 I cried too, and for me too it was hard too sleep ! She understand my arguments, because she dont know how to manage a pregnancy during her studies (she really want to have her diploma, and work on her dream job), she also really like our actual relationship model

I never said that it's not her body or her choice ! WE are juste thinking about it together as partners.

Even when you plan a baby, when the pregnancy test turns positive you can still think you aren’t ready and wonder if this is the right thing to do.

There are times when, if we’d had an unexpected pregnancy, I would have terminated and times when we would have gone for it. You two need to talk and only you can work out if this is a time that really doesn’t work or a time that really does. For every unplanned pregnancy there will be someone who went with it and it was right for them and someone who didn’t and that was right for them (and then a few that made a choice that wasn’t right for them).

Ultimately, it isn’t your decision though. You can fuck off into the sunset and never be seen again (I’m not saying you will but you don’t have as much to lose as your gf). It’s your gf that has to live with either decision and if she’s wobbling, she may not want to do what is obvious on paper.

She can still to her degree. Need to quit that dream, it will just need to be delayed. Once you're all settled and things get a bit easier, she can still do it.

This decision is such a battle between the heart and mind. Only she can really make the decision and you will have to support her with whatever she decides.

I have had unplanned pregnancies and it was important for me to know that my partner would back whatever choice I made. In this scenario your role is to be supportive and listen.

I also think booking for couples therapy could be good for you both whatever you decide.

If you choose the keep the baby the most practical advice I can give you is to really think about your support network. Family, friends, neighbours and childcare.

With my first unplanned pregnancy I completed my studies and climbed my career but with the help of a decent childcare package and family support. With my second, also unplanned - I was at a decent enough place in my career. It’s also important to understand what are you willing to give up? Can your career be flexible at all? Etc?

Wish you all the best - I hope you can both have open conversations.

@SnookyPook first, thanks for your kindness ; you're right, some of the answers sounds as if mens weren't allowed to be Lost when facing an unplanned pregnancy.

Truly sorry for you miscarriages, and congratulations for your New pregnancy !

Your advices are really helpful, and reading, I realized I'm also afraid about not having the "perfect" family I Always dreamed about.

@WhereIsMyLight you're right too, but as I said tohgether, It's obvious for me that the ultimate choice, is her choice. We are just thinking about it together.

@Newpancake92 and @theprincessthepea thanks for your answers, I will respond to you quickly.

Good night.

@Newpancake92 It's a great idea, but I'm worried about life rythm with a newborn and an infant ; she's strong, but, even if my parents can help us, i've already seen in my family that childcare can be exhausting, and kill personal ambitions.
I didn't said it before, but my gf sacrificed her childhood and her teenage to help her father, so she recently started to enjoy her life ; I'm also worried that she might have regrets later (so, me too i would have regrets[.

@theprincessthepea Unfortunately, my career isn't flexible, and, even if I love my job, it's really competitive. By the way, if we have this baby, It will be hard for me to take my share in childcare, and I don't want to let her deal with a huge mental load like that. I don't want to be the kind of man who wanders around, while she's struggling with a little human, because it's unfair and childish.

@theprincessthepea just a question, isn't couples therapy just for dysfunctional relationships ?

Not at all! Usually if the relationship has got to the point of dysfunction it makes therapy a lot harder. Ideally it would be an option to all couples just to help with thinking things through and communicating effectively etc. Certainly helpful around big decisions. My hubby and I haven't had any recently but we did do a premarital course ahead of our wedding just to think things through a bit more etc. 😊

@WildKoala as mentioned previously, keep talking openly and honestly with your gf. You can't possibly second guess what her regrets might be. Also, regret can be very complex. It may be that at some point she slightly regrets the impact to her career, but I highly doubt she would ever regret the child who caused that disruption - the love for your children tends to override most other things.

Have you talked to her about your concerns around childcare/mental load on her? Is this something that is likely to be different in a few years? Also, part of becoming a Dad (if you are a good one!) is finding ways to step up. My husband is a doctor and often comes in from 13hr shifts and then picks up being a Dad and makes dinner or baths the kids and shares bedtime duties. It's a very different life from pre-children but he steps up because he loves his family and wants his part in that family life and doesnt want to be some distant figure that his children barely know.

Ultimately, all of these concerns will be things you will have to just accept or find solutions for if your GF wants to keep the baby. So that is what you and she need to make your decision on. Everything else will fall into place, because it has to. I know it's daunting, but you can't possibly second guess how parenthood will impact you. Don't forget that in the mix of all these worries and changes, when those little eyes look up at you, or those little fingers hold yours, you gain super powers you couldn't have imagined you possessed, and you make it work for them.

I think you really need to listen to your gf and where she is at with thinking about it all. I can't remember how far along she is either but from her perspective, since finding out, she is already bonding and attaching with that little bean. It is different for Mum - and I'm not saying that to belittle your experience - but her body, her mind are consumed with what is happening and if she has maternal instincts, the practicalities and worries of disruption to her life are probably taking a back seat.

@SnookyPook Thanks for the explanations ^^ ; but I don't know if there are quickly avalaible therapists in my town... and if my gf will be ok.

Just a question (if it's not intrusive); Do you think that the births of your children have slowed down your professional development ?
Your husbands' example is interesting for me, But I'm really struggling with the idea of an unequal parenthood.

My gf is coming to see me tonight to talk about it, so I think I will set out those elements to her. Thank you so much for helping me get my thoughts in order.

We talked and thought all night, and... We finally decided to keep the baby.

From now on, our priority will be to look for practical solutions.

@WildKoala aw best of luck to you both. I'm glad you were able to reach a joint decision 😊 Good luck and enjoy!!