Alone

[Tamaraashleigh]

Hi I'm just over 12 weeks pregnant and I feel so so guilty that I feel so alone and unhappy... Obviously the pregnancy wasn't planned but I'm happy with that side of it, just feel I've lost myself and have no interest in anything

I found pregnancy quite tiring in the first trimester and had bad morning sickness with both children.

Is the dad on the scene at all? Do you have any family or friends supporting you?

Ah op, honestly the hormones in pregnancy- I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how overwhelming and intense they can be. If you don't normally feel like this, it might be worth speaking to your midwife. Some women do feel quite down and lost due to the hormones. I found the early weeks quite tough and isolating because I wasn't sharing our news yet but I was sick and it felt obvious so I was then avoiding people.

Do you have any family or friends who are supportive?

I will say, I've made some really wonderful friends through mums and tots groups since having ds so you'll have lots of opportunities to get out and meet people when baby arrives and I'd really recommend you try to do that if you can.

What things normally make you feel "yourself". Are there things you have stopped doing that you could restart? Or things that you'd like to try? For me when I feel like that I need to listen to music, I need to make time to be outside and walk, time to be creative and bake and just generally prioritise self care more. Finding your version of that might really help you to be more purposeful in finding a way forwards.

You don't need to feel guilty, your feelings are totally valid and normal but that doesn't mean you need to put up with them or just accept them. You deserve support and care and you will have that from your midwife and gp. Other relationships can be developed or built on as well but they will be a really good starting point.

Hi thanks for replying, yes I've felt really ill the last three months..
Yes dads on the scene but doesn't seem interested at all, says Im making excuses because "pregnancy can't make me that tired"
Also no family or friends x

I would try making contacts in your community then as you are lacking in a support system. Maybe look at prenatal classes locally and see if you can make friends that way.

Your partner doesn't sound supportive, but he may come round once baby is here.

I'd also think about getting in touch with HomeStart once baby is here.

Has your partner ever met a pregnant woman? It's exhausting especially in the first trimester and third trimester - you are growing a whole human being! Does he have form for undermining and gaslighting you or do you think this is genuine lack of education on his part? In which case he needs to speak to the midwife to get more info and he needs to start doing research because he's in for a rude awakening if he doesn't and op - it's not on you to do that work for him. He needs to grow up and step up.

I've not really make any friends since moving to the town I'm in now, it all just seems so tiring I have spoken to my midwife on how I'm feeling and she's referred me to another midwife who also specialises with depression and things, and I've got myself into talking therapies, I just don't feel at the minute things are going to look up.

Music is definitely my thing and has got me through alot in my life and probably will continue too, it's just hard getting the motivation to do anything, especially when I don't enjoy anything at the moment.

These hormones and hard to deal with.. it's always up and down, happy or crying, I'm absolutely terrified of giving birth again and developing postnatal depression again, it makes you feel nothing but guilt when I know I should be happy! X

That sounds like you've already been really proactive and taken the best steps you can for now, and we'll done to you because that can be really daunting to do. Maybe it would be worth asking the midwife if there's any groups for mums in the area? So you know where they are for when you're feeling a little better? You don't need to take on anything more than what you're already doing right now, honestly I think for a lot of us first trimester is about survival so you're not alone in finding it really tough. Hopefully the second will give you some relief and your energy levels will be up a bit.

I was really terrified about how my mental health would be after having ds (my mum had pnp and pnd so the family history was worrisome). It's hard knowing it's not completely in your control but I tried to focus on the things I could control like doing meditation and doing a wee yoga group and just trying to eat well and rest when I could. And as I say you've already done all the right things.

Also you're allowed to feel multiple things at once. You can be happy about your baby but also scared and worried and lonely and sad and any other feeling beside. The idea that pregnant women should be floating around on a cloud of joy for 9 months was clearly a rumour started by a man because pregnancy is tough going! Your feelings are totally valid.

If you had a negative birth experience last time could you request your file and go through it with a midwife to explore what happened step by step and then use that to create a birth plan you feel better about this time round? I was pretty petrified of giving birth due to family history so I decided late on to have a planned section and it was a lovely calm experience for me. I think there is something positive about knowing your body even better this time round and being able to factor in all that knowledge, first time round you never really have a clue what to expect. You've so much time to figure out what you want that to look like though it's not a decision you need to make right now.