Gender-disappointment?*

[chloem21]

Does gender disappointment ever go away? I currently have a 15 month old boy & am pregnant with our second (and last) child who we found out is also a boy about a week ago. I LOVE being a boy mum & honestly just wanted them to be healthy but from the moment I found out I can’t help but feel a little sad i’ll never have a girl to have that mother daughter bond with, or a girl to play dress up & watch disney princess films. I don’t know whether it’s because my first baby was a girl who I lost at 21 weeks that makes it harder but every time i see someone announce their pregnancy with a girl I can’t help but feel upset & then I feel AWFUL because I love having boys & am so excited for this little baby to join us. Anyway, was just wondering if it will fade or if it’s something that i’ll always feel?

Thats complicated OP because it’s not just ‘gender disappointment’, it’s grieving and grief comes in waves over years, and this realisation that your last baby is a boy might have reopened that grief a little. You may never have had princess films with a girl, my DD certainly wouldn’t consider wearing a dress. And you may still end up with a son who loves Disney princesses. Just go easy on yourself and let yourself feel whatever you feel. I would imagine the ‘gender disappointment’ will fade with time, but that twang of sadness watching mums with their daughters may still creep up occasionally because you lost your little girl. Sorry for your loss OP and congrats on your boys, I’m sure you will love your DS very much 💐

i expect your past experiences will have a bearing on this, i wonder if you can access some councilling to process it all, so sorry to hear about your first baby. No advice but sending

or a girl to play dress up & watch disney princess films

what makes you think you can’t do this with boys? What makes you think a daughter will enjoy dressing up and Disney films?

my mum and I don’t get on. Mainly because she had/has expectations about me that I don’t fit. I don’t enjoy shopping, make up, getting my nails done, dresses, etc. years and years of buying me never used make up for Christmas, booking spa days and pamper sessions. In the end I stopped making arrangements to see her as it’s things I didn’t want to do or enjoy, and I felt it was a judgement on my appearance, not being “girly” or pretty enough.

your grief will be playing a huge part. But enjoy your boys. Try introducing them to stuff you enjoy, you never know they may love Disney :). Try getting to know what your sons enjoy- it’s about finding common ground based on your personalities rather than genitals.

Why wouldn’t you be able to do all those things with a boy? Not every child likes the same things. In my experience boys and girls like dressing up equally.

I think a lot of this is your grief talking probably and I’m so sorry for your loss. But to reassure you that I’ve got 2 boys 8 and nearly 4. And we’ve just been to Disneyland where they both dressed as Prince Charming and had lunch with all the princesses. And they loved every minute of it! So you can still have those experiences with boys too 💙

It was worded wrong but I never said you can't do it with boys. Was mainly trying to list the 'stereotypical' things that girls are known for doing/liking & things I liked doing with my mum when I was young that I looked forward to doing with a daughter that I can do with a son yes, but it is slightly different that's all.

Sorry for your loss. I think this is probably stemming from your grief. Maybe you need to shake up your perceptions of gender identify. Sex is the biology of your baby. They can express their gender (social construct) however they choose, and you can enable that. You seem to have a very narrow and set view of gender in relation to interests, hobbies etc. maybe open your mind to what your child might be like, don’t fixate on their sex. Your relationship doesn’t have to be dictated by their sex.

I’m a girl mum 3 times over. With my last I was a little bit sad when I found out it was another girl. Not because of her being a girl but because I had always pictured myself with a boy and I felt sad that I would never have that. But I concentrated on finding a gorgeous name and some beautiful outfits and by the time she was here I felt so bonded with her I think if they’d got it wrong and she’d turned out to be a boy I’d feel genuinely gutted.

It’s absolutely fine to grieve that child you won’t have, just don’t allow yourself to be consumed by it.

FWIW my second girl is the biggest tomboy, she loves monster, cars, dinosaurs. Not a girly princess girl at all.

I agree with the comments made here. I think a lot of people have preconceived ideas about what life with a son or daughter might be but, in reality a girl might not be in the least bit girly and a boy might well not be into what we perceive as "boy" things.

Hi OP, I found out about 10 weeks ago we're having our second boy and will only have 2.

I totally get where your coming from, it's irrational and I know it but when I found out I was having a second boy I was sad that I'd never be able to teach my daughter to knit and my husband will never walk his daughter down the aisle and the maternal grandmother has a different relationship to the paternal one.

My rational side reminds me that I could have a daughter like my sister who hates crafts and will never marry or have children but it's hard to be rational with all the pregnancy hormones flying around! I also would have been sad if we'd had 2 girls that there was stuff we were missing out on not having a boy

10 weeks on I'm feeling better about a second boy, we have a name and there's so many positives to having 2 the same sex, there's just a little pang of sadness now so it does get better! Hope you feel better about it soon

I agree with others who suggest it might be grief related but it could be gender to. I was fortunate to have one of each but my girl was more of a tomboy and now she's older (14) we still don't do typical mother daughter things as she doesn't like any of it due to her neurodivergence. My son is 7 and only just started watching some films as he is autistic and adhd so struggles with the attention but neither really went in for Disney films. We all like different things in our family and support our individuality but try to accommodate it too.

I really empathise with you. After struggling to conceive, we had to terminate for medical reasons at 14 weeks and we found out at the post mortem that it was a baby girl.

I am now 9 weeks pregnant again and I am so so grateful we’ve got another chance, because I was worried it wouldn’t happen again. I am also slightly nervous I might be disappointed if it’s a boy. I think we’re going to wait for the birth and not find out in advance, I hope the relief of a healthy baby will eclipse any disappointment.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think the feeling will change over time and you'll come to feel sad for the loss of your baby girl, rather than a generic not being a mum to a girl feeling if that makes sense. It's normal to feel what you feel and I hope having two healthy little ones brings you some comfort but your baby can't be replaced of course.

Whenever I see these gender disappointment threads I can't help feeling they're because people have such rigid ideas of how a boy or girl will be. Don't think of your child as a "boy" but as a unique person. I watched Disney films with my son for years. It never occurred to me that this was something you'd do with girls only. I also know lots of mothers and daughters who really don't get on! They have difficult, complex relationships so don't assume you'd have this special bond with a child just because it was a girl.