Pregnancy after a loss - when were you able to accept that you were pregnant again?

[Sherw00d]

I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant after experiencing a horrible MMC last year. There was no heartbeat at my 12 week scan, and I ended up having to have two surgeries to clear the tissue, meaning that I was carrying my lost baby for a total of 6 weeks after finding out it had died.

Now that I'm pregnant again, my brain just can't accept it. I have all the same symptoms as last time, but I can't picture myself having a baby in November. I see the two lines on my pregnancy tests but that means nothing to me because I had to test weekly after my MMC and the retained tissue meant that I continued getting positive tests from late October until mid-January.

I called the doctors yesterday to sort a midwife appointment as my pregnancy will be classed as high risk due to a medical condition I have. Even then I found myself apologising and saying "I'm 5 weeks pregnant - sorry to call so early, I know it doesn't really count yet".

I know this is fairly common after a loss and I expect it'll start to feel more real if we get as far as a successful 12 week scan, but it's strange being pregnant but feeling so disconnected from it.

If you've been through this, when were you able to properly accept the new pregnancy and start getting excited?

Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way to feel in your circumstances.

I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant after losses at 20 weeks and 16 weeks. Sometimes I feel really engaged and a bit excited and other times I just want to ignore the fact I'm pregnant (the hormones don't help).

Pregnancy after loss is extremely difficult to navigate and you have to take it day by day or week by week.

Sending love. Sorry for everything you have been through and are going through. xx

It's okay to feel like this. My only daughter was my sixth pregnancy. While they were cutting me open (emergency c section) I was still doubting if I would end up with a baby this time. You know what? It doesn't matter. Pregnancy either goes well or it doesn't. It's schrodingers waiting game if you ask me. It's okay if you don't bond with the bump or have pregnancy glow or all that stuff. You'll make up for it when the baby is here.

Beyond 25 weeks.

Still as I got into bed every day I would think “we made it through another day”. It was day by day for me.

Positive tests meant absolutely nothing to me except “ here we go again”.
Scans were a source of terror and trauma to me, not joy.

I would count the pregnant people I knew and if it were 2 then I knew I was going to miscarry again as it’s 1:3.
I was always the 3rd unlucky one. Always.

Never for me.

I got massively unwell and developed pregnancy onset OCD. Too scared to take meds. Therapy didn’t help. I thought my baby was dead every single
day and developed psychosis at about 37 weeks and then had a caesarean 3 days later on mental health grounds.

i’m fine now and baby is wonderful. the OCD melted away. I also didn’t have any new mum anxiety really, and have been a pretty relaxed parent.

thats obviously an extreme reaction, but every said to me- ‘oh, when you have your 12/20 week scan you’ll feel better’ or ‘when you feel baby move you’ll be fine’ so I delayed getting help until I was about 30 weeks.

You are still in the early stages- but if you don’t find yourself relaxing, you have intrusive thoughts about miscarrying and constant anxiety, get yourself referred to perinatal mental health sooner rather than later.

I’m not trying to scare you- but if you are anxious, just don’t rely on other people telling you it is normal and you will get better.

best of luck, and hope you have a very different experience and enjoy your pregnancy. X

@Sherw00d so sorry for your loss. As you suspected, and as others have said, unfortunately pregnancy after loss is a whole other thing.

I had a MMC discovered in April last year. Scan at 11+4 showed baby had stopped developing at 7+5. I then unfortunately had a CP at 4+5 in early Sept and a MC/pregnancy of unknown location at 7wks end of October. Unexpectedly (I wasn't tracking and was awaiting a referral to see a fertility consultant) I fell pregnant again straight after that loss. But as you can imagine, after 3 losses in a row, two of which barely even got going, I really couldn't believe it for a long time. In fact, funny that @Andarna referred to Schroedinger as I called it my 'Shroedinger's baby' (both there and not there until confirmed at scans).

I'm currently 18+3. I found the anxiety did ease after my 12wk scan. Unfortunately I then had a small bleed around 13+5 which happened at a weekend and I had to wait 3 days for a scan. My head went to a dark place over that weekend but scan showed a healthy 14wk old foetus. For the most part I am feeling better now day to day, but still finding scans and appointments a bit triggering. Things that most people just look forward to. I got really anxious before my 16wk appointment but thankfully Doppler picked up baby heartbeat straight away. I've now got my 20wk scan in a couple of weeks and think I might ask my community midwife for another listen in beforehand as I really don't want to go in blind to the scan after not seeing/hearing little one for a month.

I have found that I now find other people's stories of loss - particularly if they've happened at a gestation later than I currently am - to be quite anxiety-inducing and I have to try hard not to focus on those and to remind myself they are not common.

I don't think I will be able to fully relax until little one is in my arms. I do feel hyper-sensitised now to all the things that can go wrong at any stage, even though my own losses were all first trimester. BUT I am feeling like I'm believing in the pregnancy more with each day that passes, and I am bonding with bump (which is scary in it's own way!) - seeing a bump popping and beginning to feel movements is definitely helping it to feel more real and hopeful.

Sending you love. Take each day as it comes. Accept any offers of support/mental health support offered by midwives. Slowly slowly you will hopefully get to more secure footing. But go easy on yourself. It's a tough ride. Try to find things you can enjoy each day. If you find yourself catastrophising or mind wandering down a doom laden path, try to refocus on something beautiful around you. Send little messages to your little one. I talk to mine and apologise for feeling anxious but explain why and how I'm really hoping I get to meet them etc .. I think that has helped. I also keep a journal and find writing my thoughts and fears and hopes etc can be really cathartic and helpful. 💗

Thank you so much ladies, that's really reassuring.

@extrastrong Congratulations on your pregnancy and I'm so sorry you've experienced two late miscarriages, that must have been so hard. I think it will be a case of taking it day by day, and hopefully we'll get there.

@Andarna I'm so sorry you've been through so many losses. I've only had the one and it hit me so much harder than I could have imagined. It's wonderful that you came through it and had your daughter. It's so odd to feel disconnected from it all: I had my daughter 6 years ago and my pregnancy was really straightforward and I felt so connected to her right away. This time I'm just dismissing the symptoms because in my mind there can't possibly be a baby in there.

@Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon I'm sorry you've been through this and I absolutely get the feeling with the positive tests. I spent so long hoping for a negative test after my miscarriage surgeries that seeing a positive test no longer equals a pregnancy in my mind. I'll be absolutely terrified if I get as far as my 12 week scan. Going in there and finding out my baby had no heartbeat was by far the worst moment of my life.

@NavyPeer I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that on top of your previous loss. I'm so glad you and your baby are doing well. I was the other way round with my daughter 6 years ago: wonderful pregnancy, terrible post-natal depression. If I get to a 12 week scan, I'll brace myself in case I don't feel reassured.

It's hard to explain but I don't feel anxious at all: I thought I would, but I just feel like I'm not pregnant. Like all 20 positive pregnancy tests are false positives, and I'm tired because I've been working hard, and smells are making me heave because they just smell extra bad. Like if I don't visibly miscarry before a scan, the technician will just say "There's nothing here, why on earth did you think you were pregnant?".

Logically I know that's not the case and that I'm trying to detach myself from it. It's a strange feeling. I hate that the loss has taken away the innocence and excitement of pregnancy.

Honestly I only truly believed it when they wheeled in the little perspex crib into the delivery suite. It had taken 5 rounds of IVF and 3 MCs to get to that point.

Pregnancy after loss is hard so handhold from me. One day at a time xx

@SnookyPook I'm so sorry for your losses, that must have been an incredibly difficult time. Congratulations on your pregnancy, that's wonderful and I hope everything continues to go well! Definitely ask your midwife to have another listen if it'll help to ease your mind. I had a home Doppler when I was pregnant with my daughter 6 years ago, and would listen to her heart a couple of times a week. It was easy to find from about 12 weeks. That said, I know some women end up constantly checking and panicking if they can't immediately find the heartbeat so it can be good or bad.

I'm starting to crochet a baby blanket as a way to get my mind more committed to the pregnancy. If it doesn't go to plan, I can finish it as a remembrance blanket and perhaps give it to my daughter to use with her dolls.

@Windowmitten Oh my gosh, that must have been unbelievably hard. I'm so so glad that you got there in the end. I almost felt the opposite with my daughter: it was a straightforward pregnancy, but when I finally held her I couldn't fathom that this tiny, screaming little prune was the same person who'd been kicking inside me for months!

Honestly, I've had zero expectations around my current pregnancy, after a loss last year. I'm nearly at 12 weeks and have been much sicker and tireder this time, but I've just been focusing on getting through each day (mentally and physically!). I am not expecting to get excited about it for a while, but I think that's fine. I think it's unrealistic to expect to, after loss. So do be kind to yourself and don't worry if you don't feel a certain way. i think I've only accepted in so far that I have felt so unwell with it, but I cannot get my mind further than each day.

It's perfectly normal to feel like this. I had a mmc at 14 weeks last January. I'm 36+4 now and as much as im somewhat excited and prepared... I don't feel like I'm actually going to have a baby in my arms at the end of it even though everything is going well and she is growing perfectly fine! X

Hi @Sherw00d i don’t have any advice, but I feel exactly the same following a MMC in November. I am now just over 5 weeks pregnant. I don’t really feel excited & have not arranged my booking appointment. I just cannot picture it going well & ending up with a baby.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar, but it’s good to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way

@Sherw00d I have had a couple of early miscarriages but the 3rd was a MMC very similar timeline the only difference being my 1st surgery was an emergency as started bleeding heavily - I am so sorry you went through it as I know how horrible it is to buy pregnancy tests to use after surgery and having to wait for a negative that takes weeks to arrive. When I fell pregnant with DS I wasn’t keeping an eye on dates and due to losses I had to have monthly scans - everyone is different but even with the extra scans I still didn’t believe I would have a baby to take home. I ended up buying most things we needed after I had him while I was waiting for discharge - Honestly how you feel will probably change on an hourly basis no feelings are right or wrong in this situation- just make sure you reach out for help if you need it x

Hi @Sherw00d

I think you can see from the number of responses that you are not alone in this. I struggled to concieve, eventually fell pregnant and had a great first trimester with a couple of good private scans. At 12 weeks my world fell apart when we were told we had a very high NT. A couple of weeks in limbo went by before we terminated for Edwards Syndrome.

I felt scared that was my only chance, but we got on with trying again straight away. By cycle 4 I was starting to feel a bit obsessed, was considering acupuncture etc. I fell pregnant and now I'm 6+2. I swing between being hopeful for the future, checking for blood on every wipe, and wondering what if it's something else this time.

Lovely to hear you are crocheting a baby blanket, I am still working on the Attic 24 Starbright blanket and then I am going to start on a baby blanket. Would love to know what pattern you are using. I think it's a really nice productive activity that keeps me from doom scrolling on my phone.

I'm 26 weeks after many failed IVF, 2 chemical pregnancies and 2 miscarriages over 12 years. The first weeks of this pregnancy were HARD we had scans at 6 and 8 weeks..at the 8 week one I was convinced the baby had disappeared because I felt nothing at all..I was shaking and almost didn't go in to the room..
For me though it has got easier and now I feel movement every day I've started to believe there really is a baby in there and I've stopped punishing myself for allowing myself to think it will all be ok.
Just try to remember that feeling anxious and worrying won't affect the outcome, unfortunately pregnancies either progress or they don't and we don't have any control over that but we do have control over how we deal with feelings day to day..I regret spending those early weeks in a constant state of anxiety. It really is tough but try and see the positives that it's more likely to be ok than not and if it doesn't work out although it's devastating you will be ok in the end.

I’m two weeks ahead of you after 3 miscarriages and no living children.

I refuse to use the word pregnant and if my husband uses it it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I’ve been saying if this thing sticks around etc.

I had medical treatment to get here (not ivf) and had a scan at 6 weeks and will have one at 8 too. Still doesn’t feel real, and I’m really noticing stories on here that reference late stage miscarriages and think it’s going to be me.

so no advice, just solidarity.

I was worried for the entire pregnancy. I had spotting and bleeds up to 15 weeks. Even in my third trimester and up to the week he was born I was nervous about something going wrong. I only accepted that the pregnancy was successful when he was crying at the birth. It wasn't to the point that it affected my quality of life it anything, there was just a subtle worried feeling in the back of my mind the entire time. My rainbow baby is 5 weeks old now and so beautiful, congratulations on your BFP!

Thanks so much everyone, I feel far less alone now. 

@Rosesanddaisies1 Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I absolutely understand the focusing on each day rather than looking ahead. Objectively I feel just like I did last time I was pregnant: very tired, sensitive to smells, breathless, resting heart rate through the roof ... but emotionally i'm not quite letting myself connect the dots as to why I feel like this.

@Ttcmumma Congratulations, and wow, not long to go now! It's reassuring to see that it's completely normal to feel that it's all a bit surreal even well into the third trimester.

@Figtree11 Congratulations, we must have similar due dates! I feel like such a fraud for booking my midwife appointment already, but I know I had to because I have epilepsy so need extra monitoring. I was on the phone to my epilepsy nurse earlier today to talk about next steps, and she was baffled when I said "I know it doesn't really count yet because I'm only 5 weeks in". It's hard to explain but I almost feel like it doesn't count until I've seen a heartbeat and a baby measuring past 9 weeks (my miscarried baby measured 8+4). Feel free to message me if you ever need to vent to someone going through the same thing.

@loz12345 I'm so sorry you've experienced such a long, drawn out MMC too. Finding out that the first surgery was unsuccessful and that you have to go through it all again is just awful, and the positive tests for weeks afterwards feels like an extra cruelty. I won't get extra scans early on as I've "only" had one miscarriage, but I may have more towards the end because of my epilepsy. I might book a private scan for 9 weeks in the hope that it helps my fear of the 12 week scan a bit. I definitely wouldn't be buying much before the very end - plus, I laugh when I remember how much crap we bought for my daughter before she was born that we barely ended up using!

@MrsScotland I'm so sorry for your loss. Having to terminate a pregnancy after struggling to conceive must have been incredibly hard. It's wonderful that you're pregnant again, I hope everything goes wonderfully for you! I'm very much a beginner crocheter but I find it very relaxing. A nice way to keep my hands busy when my mind has been racing! I've started making the Snuggle Bean blanket from Little Duck Crochet but I've ordered the wrong weight yarn so it'll be rather less snuggly than I'd hoped... ah well!

@JRTfan I'm so sorry it's been such a tough journey for you. You must be incredibly strong to come through it and huge congratulations on your pregnancy! There's nothing weirder than the feeling of a baby moving inside you - I found it amazing with my daughter and if I get that far, will probably find it even more unbelievable this time. I don't particularly feel anxious or worried, more detached: like I'm being silly for even considering that I might be pregnant despite the positive tests and symptoms. I know that deep down I'm just bracing myself because the MMC in October absolutely blindsided me.

@Mitsky I'm so sorry for your losses and congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm also not using the word "pregnant" and my husband and I aren't really daring to talk about the baby either. We'll say "if everything works out..." or "if we get there...". I find the late miscarriage stories triggering as well. We just need to keep in mind that later miscarriages are quite rare, even though it's difficult to do.

@Cheetocat Huge congratulations on your rainbow baby! I completely relate to the subtle worry rather than something that affects your quality of life. I'm not actively feeling anxious or anything like that, I'm just mindful that being pregnant doesn't mean I'll have a baby in November. Someone further up the thread used the term schroedinger's baby, and that sums it up well: I am pregnant, but in my mind the baby exists and doesn't exist at the same time.

I’m only 4 weeks pregnant but I can’t relax or even think ahead more than a day, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do this as in week after week. It’s totally out of my control and I feel like I’m just waiting to bleed.
i have the over whelming feeling this one won’t last 😓
i had a mc this December/january and it was horrendous.i didn’t think I would fall pregnant soon afterwards, I thought it would take a lot longer so I also feel guilty that some women don’t even have the joy of falling pregnant.
maybe I should have taken a little more time to wait to try again.
i took so many tests and was in disbelief at being pregnant. I have terrible sickness but I just can’t accept it all.

Thank you @Sherw00d that’s so kind of you. I might ring up later in the week to get the wheels moving on my booking appt. My MC happened 2 days after my last booking appt, so I have bad memories!

Reminding myself each day that this is a new pregnancy, and new experience. Hope you are doing ok today. Are you having any early scans?

@Figtree11 That sounds like a good idea! I'm stunned that I've been given an appointment for tomorrow, as last time I didn't get a booking appointment until I was 11 weeks, and with my daughter it was the same.

I'm doing fine, I just don't feel like I'm pregnant even though I'm really tired and most smells are making me gag! I won't get any early NHS scans as the rule where I live is you have to have had 3 miscarriages before they offer one. I'm tempted to book a private scan for 9 weeks (because my lost baby measured 8+4, which is no logic at all) but I can't bring myself to book it because a part of me is convinced I'll have miscarried and won't need it by then.

How are you doing?

@Sherw00d the booking appointment makes it all feel real I think 😊 Hope you have a good appointment. They have got you in so quickly - I waited about 3 or 4 weeks last time before I was contacted back by them to get booked in!

Glad you are doing ok, I feel exactly the same. Apart from the sore boobs, and couple of waves of nausea today I just feel like normal. Such an odd feeling!

I’m doing ok thank you - when I went to the EPU before, they did say about future pregnancy I could have a scan at 8 weeks. But to be honest I don’t know if I want it. I’m not really sure why. If things hopefully go according to plan, I’m thinking of waiting til the 12wk scan. But at the moment I can’t even imagine getting that far, let alone the absolute fear I would feel going into that scan. Like you I’m also convinced this won’t work out