5 Weeks Pregnant: Home situation & decision dilemma

[queensheeba]

hi everyone,

I'm a 36 yo woman and just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant with my first child.
Whilst it's something I've been wanting and thinking about a lot for the past year and a half with my partner, the situation isn't ideal and I'm not sure what to do.

We live abroad in a country where abortion is illegal. We love each other very much, but I know his family aren't that happy that we are together and there were talks of marriage at one point, but it's been left a bit whilst he tries to figure things out with his family.

The thing is whilst we were going through that, I have experienced some physical abuse from him on several occasions (slaps and a headbutt). And it makes me so incredibly sad that this has happened. I have forgiven him but I still think there's a long way to go on our healing journeys. There's also been some instances of emotional infidelity and as I write this I'm sure many of you will be screaming why did I stay. Please don't judge me, I'm kind of in pieces about it all.

Fast foward to now and as I started to gain the courage to start loving myself again and make more positive changes in my life rather than being weighed down by our problems, I wanted to start fresh again. Firstly by focussing on myself and then seeing if we can make it work slowly.

But then bam I find out I'm pregnant.
I'm feeling heartbroken about the prospect of returning to my home country and having to go through with an abortion, but I feel like I'm being selfish if I keep it - because more than anything I need to keep the child safe. And I'm scared to bring it into a world to be raised by two broken adults. I'm from a broken family and I just don't want the child to be in a situation like that.

I really want my partner to get better, he needs help with childhood traumas amongst other things. So, I guess my questions / advice I'm asking is...

Have any of you managed to find forgiveness and been able to continue a loving relationship after experiencing abuse?
If I terminate this child, is it my last chance? I'm 36 years old and worried that it's unlikely that I will be able to have a baby again (without assistance etc and I can't see myself financially in a position in the future to go down that avenue)?
If I terminate it, I'm not sure how I will cope emotionally going forwards :(( - am I going to regret it?
Can I continue on this pregnancy and manage to make it work with him, if not can I go it alone?

Feeling so many emotions right now, can't stop crying. :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Get yourself out of this situation as soon as you can.

There is no coming back from this: The thing is whilst we were going through that, I have experienced some physical abuse from him on several occasions (slaps and a headbutt). And it makes me so incredibly sad that this has happened. I have forgiven him but I still think there's a long way to go on our healing journeys. There's also been some instances of emotional infidelity and as I write this I'm sure many of you will be screaming why did I stay. Please don't judge me, I'm kind of in pieces about it all.

He is an abuser. He will continue to abuse you. He might abuse any children you have. This is not an 'us' problem it's a 'him' problem. The violence you have mentioned is extreme.

When you are safely out, decide what to do about the baby. That is up to you. 36 is relatively young these days. Who's to say it's your last chance. One thing I will add is that domestic violence can escalate during pregnancy and you and your baby would be incredibly vulnerable.

@queensheeba really sorry to hear the situation you find yourself in but I have to agree with PP. Your priority right now is getting out of this relationship. I know you say you love him very much, but this is not a healthy relationship, and never can be. It is very sad if there are reasons for him being the way he is related to his own trauma etc, but it's not on you to heal him. And none of that excuses his violence towards you. Slaps and headbutts are already quite extreme/physical and if he feels that has become acceptable, it will only intensify.

A couple of other things concern me. If I'm interpreting your post correctly, you currently live in his home country, around his family (who don't like/approve of you) - you are already quite isolated, and when the abuse intensifies (and I'm sorry but all research on this topic suggests it will) you will have no-one else to turn to.

As PP said, it can be very common for abuse to start/intensify during a pregnancy.

There is no judgement here at all but I do urge you to please listen to what your subconscious is already telling you. This man is not safe. He is not a man to start a family with. You will not have a happy life with him.

As to your other question, what you need to be thinking is, could you be a single mother? I believe there is a forum for single mums on here - some of whom will no doubt have come from similar backgrounds. It might be worth reaching out to them to get an idea of what might lie ahead. I'm sure if you choose to, you could certainly have a happy life raising your child alone / with another partner down the line.

All that aside, given that abortion is illegal in the country you are currently in, would you be travelling home to resolve this? Do you have family/friends back home whom you could confide in? I would be tempted to book the trip, get some distance from your OH, and try to get some clarity once you have that headspace. I would consider making it a one way trip....

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this but also glad for you that you have had this insight to him before you are tied through marriage and the birth of your child. You have big decisions ahead of you. Very best of luck to you 💕

I have experienced some physical abuse from him on several occasions (slaps and a headbutt).

you are NOT going to “work through” this.
this won’t get better now you are pregnant it will only get worse. this is statistically proven. Violence increases and escalates in pregnancy

You are asking if it’s a good idea to have a child with and stay in a relationship with;

• an abuser who will escalate his abuse
• in a foreign country
• with no support network
• in laws who are hostile and won’t support you
• little to no money once you give birth (ie no way to escape)

no one is going to recommend this as a good option.

your situation is really concerning and if you are planning on keeping this baby (which is 100% your choice) you need to make radical changes to keep both you and your child safe.

if it were me and I wanted the baby I’d leave him- go to my home country and raise the baby alone.

is travelling to the UK / your home country an option?

whatever you do - do not tell him you are pregnant until you have had time to work out what you want.

Oh gosh please leave. Imagine you stay, the abuse gets worse (because it always, always does) and then you can't leave because he prevents you leaving the country with his child. His family takes over with the baby. You're in a foreign country with no support network and unable to leave. You'll be utterly trapped in a horrendous situation.

You should leave now. Tell him you're taking a trip home and use that time to gain some clarity on the reality of your relationship. In your shoes I would be tempted to keep the baby and raise it alone. This is not 'your healing journey' – he is violent and by all statistics that is likely to intensity, especially when you're pregnant and vulnerable. The violence could extend to your child. Please don't tell him about the pregnancy and please get some distance to think things through, ideally with some supportive friends.

If you go to your home country, can you stay there? Is there a job you can find and family that you can support you? I think that’s your best option at the minute, regardless of your decision.

If you can stay in your home country and you can get support from your family, if you want to do it alone, that’s for you to work out. I would get some legal advice about what rights the father has if you put his name on the birth certificate can he make you go back to his country?

If you can’t stay in your home country, I think I would consider terminating. If you’ve wanted this for a while you may well regret it but the abuse isn’t going to get better, it’s likely to get worse in pregnancy. Aside from your own safety, the child will grow up in the situation and think that’s what love looks like. They are going to repeat the same abusive cycles. They might be the abuser, they might be on the receiving end of the abuse, either way it’s not something you want for a child.

I can't say anything new that hasn't already been said, but like a pp said, no one is going to agree that staying with this man is a good idea. Whatever promises/excuses/apologies he has made to you are not real, they are a way to see if he can abuse you and get away with it, people who are physically abusive are also very manipulative and conniving. Make plans to leave asap and then when you are in a safe space you can decide what to do about the pregnancy, although personally I wouldn't anything to possibly tie me to someone like that in the future and there's nothing to say this is your only chance to be pregnant. Please do not believe you can help him/change him/have a happy ending with him, if you have a child with an abusive person, that child will either end up on the recieving end of the abuse or will grow up to be stuck in the cycle of being in abusive relationships themselves. You know you can't stay.

I'd do everything I could to leave the country. Don't tell him you're pregnant. Don't tell him you're going. Delete and block.

You can decide if to keep the baby or if you abort but first you need to get free

You are stronger than you think. Get out of this relationship for all the reasons people have given on here, and go back to your own country where you will be away from him, and hopefully where you have family. You will feel stronger, and able to decide to be a single mother if that is what you want. From what you say about biological clock, this is the best option? Some will disagree, but I would be tempted to leave without telling him you are pregnant as it could possibly get more complicated if he gets involved. Rooting for you OP.

hi everyone,

thanks for all your thoughts. The thing is - I don't want to leave the county I am in. I can survive and be more comfortable here. And on the verge of starting a new business. I can't afford to raise a child back in my home country. Yes, I'll have the support of my mother, but I will be forced to live back in the middle of nowhere with her and her husband and I will be utterly miserable.

I have a good support network where I am, lots of friends and childcare is super cheap compared to my home country. It does mean that the father could stay in the picture, but I do understand that I should get out of the relationship either way keeping the baby or not. I just need to figure out the best plan possible to leave the relationship. Thanks for the good luck, I need it all xxx <3 appreciate all your responses

If you decide on keeping the baby and staying in the area I strongly suggest you end the relationship and don't tell the DF.

The slaps and headbutts you mentioned earlier are not the kind of behaviour that is acceptable in any circumstance. Remember this is just the start of his abuse and it's already very very violent.

If you stay with this man and your child is injured or put at risk in anyway because of his abusive behaviour, you risk losing your child. You would be seen as enabling the abuse. At least in the UK that would be the case. Not sure where you are OP.

Good luck OP I wish you every success whatever you decide to do

@queensheeba I'm glad you feel you've got a bit more clarity about your situation and it completely makes sense that you want to stay where you are if other aspects of your life are looking good. I hope you manage to find a way to get safely out of your relationship as soon as possible. If there are any domestic violence charities or anything where you are then maybe check those out, or look at some of the UK ones online as they may be able to provide some support even from afar. Best of luck with it all. 💕

Thank you both, not sure what DF means? .. Father?

unfortunately I have told the father. He was excited at first but now is erring on the side that I have an abortion. I think because we are not married, it could be really problematic due to his religion. Either way, I need to hang on for 6 days and I do have a different house to go to. It is in the same area, but he won't have keys. It's going to be difficult for sure. I think I'll speak with a lawyer this week just to report everything. This is all so horrible. I still love him and I still felt like there was hope but I got to stop lying to myself, even if the actions were over 2 months ago. I keep saying things like, well it didn't hurt that much, it could have been worse, it's only been like 5 times in that short ugly period, maybe that's the last of it? I've got no visual signs of abuse etc etc, but I know this is delusion right :(((

Thanks everyone <3

@queensheeba fortunately I've never been in that situation but I can imagine all too well how reluctant you must be to think the worst of someone you love. As you know in your heart though, and as all evidence shows us time and again, unfortunately this is a slippery slope and not likely to get better, however much you wish it would. I'm glad you have a safe space to go that he can't access. And talking with a lawyer sounds sensible too. I really admire how you're handling this in amidst your heartbreak. 💕 Sending you a big supportive hug. For what it's worth, I think you and your little one are going to be just fine, because you're already focusing on their wellbeing and how to give them the best and safest life possible. This next phase will be hard but you will get through. 💗