Termination and advice

[Cosibear]

Hi all, we have a 7 year old dc who is our world, & found out we were pregnant a few months ago with #2. Overjoyed at first, but very quickly sunk into a bad depression, filled with fear. Kept thinking something would be wrong with #2, and we couldn’t cope if there was, started thinking I was too old & we’d never have our freedom again, thinking age gap too big & my dc may hate the change… it was awful.
I now know this was perinatal depression which I’d never heard of, but I had a very early termination. These thoughts were a result of my hormones and anxiety.
I’m absolutely devastated with myself. I just couldn’t see a way out & was so poorly physically (HG) and mentally. I wasn’t offered any counselling prior (have booked this myself now) but keep thinking I should’ve stuck it out & the hormones would have calmed down. I am lost.
I’m now in a place where I don’t know what to do. I’m full of shame & regret but know it wasn’t my fault, I was mentally poorly.
Has anyone been through this and gone on to have another baby fairly quickly & been ok? Or did you never try again?
I’m worried thinking this could’ve been my last chance (late 30s). I’m now on medication and feeling so much better and all I can think about is having a baby…

Hi Cosibear,

Exactly the same situation here - severe perinatal depression meant we sadly couldn’t continue. It’s horrific. It was just January for us and I’m very much in the thick of it just now. There’s a lot of women online who have experienced the same. The power of our hormones on the mind can’t be underestimated but is definitely misunderstood.

It’s a devastating situation to be in & feels so lonely. My doctor has seen it a handful of times and said to me today that when that happens it’s more than likely it would happen again with further pregnancies so I don’t think it’s a risk we can personally take for our family as hard as that is to swallow.

Thank you for replying, I haven’t spoken to anyone else who has experienced it, so it’s good to finally be able to. Sending love to you, I know how hard it is. I’ve gone on antidepressants and having private counselling just to help process it all, but I’m literally just thinking about having a baby - it’s so painful! Do you have other dc? I didn’t know it was likely to happen again but I feel like if it did, I know more about it now and would spot the signs. It’s just so difficult. I’ve always been scared of having a second, mainly because my dc is so used to being an only but my heart really wants to experience it again

It’s so so hard isn’t it. The days I long for a baby are the hardest I think. It’s almost a regret feeling but it can’t be as there was truely no option. I’d become suicidal and was petrified of leaving my kids without a Mum. Like you, when pregnant I was sure I’d ruined their lives despite the pregnancy being well planned and wanted - it makes processing so confusing but the tfmr was truely life saving medical treatment.

I am sorry about your experience. If you do decide to have another baby please make sure that you speak to your midwife and ask for a referal to the perinatal mental health team.

Just to say Ive been where you were- indeed I had a 7 year old and last feb terminated due to dark thoughts- as you say age, fear of things being wrong, fear of ruining my child life etc. Didnt access counselling or do any of my usual decision making techniques just paniced. afterwards realised that i did want the baby and should have got support and that termination was not the answer. it was a very dark time. since then we did go on to conceive again- i am lucky that it happened very quickly despite being 40. my new baby is now a couple of months old. i wont say it is a complete headspin .throughout my pregnancy i was constantly worried that something would go wrong and the one i got rid of would have been perfect. i love my baby and my now 9 year loves him to pieces. my mental health is beyond far better than it was this time last year or had we not decided to try again. but i do wish i had grieved properly for the terminaiton before rushing into getting pregnant again- i am emotionally eating throughout my pregnancy and since he was born to numb me as i think i am so scared of letting my thoughts about things catching up with me. i still dont know if i wanted another baby or just to have gone back to before the termination and dont want my baby to feel i don't want him. however I also try to rationalise that we dont know what would have happened with the first prengancy- it may not have been viable, the baby could have been ill etc- there is no sliding doors to life- the baby i now have is the one i have. on good days I thank him so much for saving me and for the universe giving me a second chance. I have support from the perinatal team which is useful. there are many of us on here who have been in your position so message anytime. when life settles for me, i do want to do some work on better training for abortion service staff on reocngising when people need support due to mh who are seeking termination and better awareness about the mh aftermath for some people- no one warns you that termination isnt this magic wand and life goes back to how it was! sending you so much love and i promise there can be light at the end of the tunnel whichever way you go- its a grief but like any grief it never goes- this will always be part of you but the rawness and intensity will reduce in time x

Thank you for replying. I definitely would access whatever support I can if I do decide to try again.
saskia, how long afterwards did you decide to try for your little one? Did the depression return during your pregnancy or did you feel totally different this time?

only 6 weeks- completely rash- both decisions! i did have some wobbles in the first few weeks- even getting termination counselling despite having been so desperate to get pregnant again- how ridicolous! i did have wobbles throughout and kept questioning myself but knew that tine it was ny mh. i got lots of support and buried myself in food and work! once he was in my arms i felt so much better and not had post natal dep/anexity. message any time- its only people on here who got me through x