Abortion grieving and guilt

[Confusedgirl101]

Hi everyone

I wanted to tell my story in the hopes someone may reach out so that I don’t feel so alone anymore.

I accidentally got pregnant 2 years ago with my current boyfriend. We had only been together 4 months when we found out. We were so in love and didn’t really think of the consequences, we had spoken about having children before this and both agreed it was something we would love to do in the future. I’m very career focused and it really threw a spanner in the works for both of us. To be honest, when I found out I was mostly happy but a little confused and unsure on what to do, I knew I wanted kids but wasn’t sure it was the right time but after a very long back and forth I knew I really wanted the baby. I was absolutely distraught for weeks and avoiding speaking to professionals as I really didn’t know what to do because I knew I wanted the baby but I also knew I couldn’t go through with it. Long story short I made a decision to have an abortion, not for myself, but for the fact I knew my boyfriend wouldn’t be able to cope. Silly but my thought process was I’d rather myself be miserable than to see him miserable with a baby. For a long time I thought about how it’s possible that I could end up resenting him because of this decision. Throughout the process he was all over the place, he knew he didn’t want the baby and made it very clear but one day he would be really supportive and the next he would shut down and couldn’t talk to me about it. I had a medical abortion and he stayed with me through the whole thing. We’re still together and I love him very much, I couldn’t imagine my life without him but I’m beginning to think I don’t think I can continue to be with him. He doesn’t really show me much support and refuses to talk about it, I try to bring it up and talk about our baby but he absolutely won’t and to be honest I really need him to, I need the acknowledgment that the baby existed, I need to feel like I’m not going through this alone, I need to feel like it’s not just me. I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I need those things but he just can’t give me them. He has spoken to me about breaking up in the last couple of weeks saying he can’t give me what I want, but that brings a whole other issue, I feel like if I lose him I lose the connection I had to my baby and I can’t lose the baby all over again on top of losing him. I don’t want it to result in a break up because I love him very much but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know he can’t give me what I want, I ask constantly if we can have a baby and I feel like I spend my life crying over what happened. I want him to realise I’m not only grieving the baby I’m grieving myself too. I’ve made myself quite ill through the whole thing, there was a point where I was going through really bad psychosis and suicidal thoughts. It’s really difficult to talk about but any advice would be welcome.

I know what I want and I know in my heart what I should really do but it isn’t always that easy.

Hi Op,
I didn’t want to read to run and whilst I haven’t been through a similar experience to you I wanted to give my thoughts. I am no expert, it’s just my thoughts on what I read.

firstly I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You are grieving and whilst this is completely okay and understandable your partner may not feel the same. This doesn’t mean he is dismissing you or your feelings but that he can’t relate because he will have his own perspective and feelings around the situation, you can’t force someone to feel the same as you. I hope that doesn’t sound too harsh. It is important you communicate with your partner but it sounds like you want a reaction that he doesn’t feel or can’t give. I would really consider speaking to someone outside of the immediate situation, who can validate your feelings and help you navigate through them.

from what I’m reading it would be a real shame for this to end your relationship as it seems you love each other. Please remember your partner isn’t perfect and him shutting it down may also be his way of coping.

the issue here is that you say you want a baby and he doesn’t. Is it at the moment he doesn’t or will he never? If the case is never then that could be a deal breaker. As much as you love someone you could grow resentful if you feel they have denied you a child. You need to have this conversation with him but my advice would be to work through your current feelings with external support beforehand as I would imagine you are understandably quite out of sorts.

xx

I had an abortion when I was with my ex. I was very much in love with him and I didn't want the relationship to end. When we broke up, it brought a lot of feelings I didn't know I had about the abortion - guilt, shame, grief. It's 5 years later and I'm having a baby with my current boyfriend and feel a lot happier, realise I made the right choice for me and see that some of those feelings were unrelated to the abortion itself and more about the place I was emotionally and societal judgment.

I wonder, if your boyfriend is unable to support you through this, what else will he be able to support you with? You carried the baby, your body went through the process of abortion, being without him won't change that.

totally relate- i deicded to terminate as knew my husband wasnt keen on the baby and again was so ill afterwards and felt so resentful. in the moment you dont realise how much it may affect you after and no one prepares you for it. i am sure if i had not mentioned it my husband would literally not give the pregnancy/termination another thought. there are organisations including ARCH and Stillwater. Bother offer termination focused counselling for people afterwards to support you to process everything. They have been a life saver for me. and support people up to many years after the event. i think it would be worth getting some support to help you process the grief and feelings and from that you will be in a stronger position to decide what feels right for you going forward. sending you best wishes- its a horrible place to be and the worst place i mentally have ever been

I really feel for you, OP. I had an abortion 10 years ago, it was the right decision for me and I've never regretted it but I still had to go for counselling and when I split up with that person it brought some of those feelings back to the surface.

You've not said whether you've had any sort of counselling but even if you have I think it's something you should look into again, there's a lot here that I think you need to work through and I think that might help you to make a decision about your relationship.

Sending a huge hug xx