Should we have a second child (multiple issues with the first)

[BlueRM]

Firstly apologies if this isn't in the correct section of Mumsnet, I think I've only posted once before.

Secondly I'm just looking for some support in my decision making, as my husband I feel just doesn't want to talk about this anymore.

So the crux of it is that I want a second child, but we had some issues with my first. And I have lots of concerns but I don't know who to talk to.

I am 37 years old and overweight, I'm trying to lose weight. I had my DD in October 2020 after a miscarriage in 2019. At 20 weeks we were told she had a hole in her heart, after going to GOSH it was a narrowing of her artery and a large hole, and another minor heart issue. I also had bleeding in the pregnancy and them developed high blood pressure towards the 30 week mark. I don't believe they ever said it was definitely Pre Eclampsia but I had all the symptoms (swelling, protein in my wee, etc). DD was born by C-Sec at 38 weeks. I also grew a lump on my labia that they thought was cancer! But in fact in turned out to be breast tissue growing in the wrong place.

Anyway I'm now at the stage were I want another child, but all of the above is holding me back and making me think should I just be happy with what I have? I have an increased risk of another heart baby, I have an increased risk of high BP/PE, and the weird growth thing could potentially happen again, add my age and weight into it, and I just think is it pointless to even consider?

I am considering doing an E-consult with my doctors surgery to see if I can get some advice. Speaking to my DDs cardiologist they said having another heart baby is a small risk (5%) and not guaranteed.

Am I ridiculous to even consider wanting another child? Husband is open to it, but he wants us both to get healthy and lose a few stone. But he has had enough of my back and forth.

Thanks in advance for reading

I'd speak to GP, and focus on the weight loss. I think you'd need to be prepared for the worst case scenario, and how you'd manage another complicated pregnancy when you have a child as well. but DH shouldn't be pressuring you to decide.

I wouldn't even think of it until your healthy enough yourself sorry.

No one has a crystal ball. No doctor can predict the future.

You might have a perfect pregnancy. Or another round of horrors. No one really knows.

So in making a decision the key thing is to ask yourself: what would you regret more?

Would you regret not having a second child more? Or regret another pregnancy more if it had complications and you then had less time with your current child?

Why do you want a second child? And do you want another child so much that potential complications will be worth it?

For me I'd say I wanted a second child enough that any amount of dreadfulness would have been worth it. But I didn't want a third child enough (husband did want a third), so we didn't have one even though we'd originally wanted 3 kids.

Personally I'd avoid that option until you can be sure your health can withstand a pregnancy and more potential challenges with dc health.

I think that in your next pregnancy you would be out straight onto consultant led care and they would look out for all the issues you experienced before and treat them sooner. Decide what you would do if at 12 or 20 weeks a child has a similar or worse health condition before getting pregnant xx

Ps how terrifying the labia breat tissue lump I had no idea that could happen but yes better than cancer

I think the risk of having another baby with heart problems is very small and that wouldn't put me off.
However, the risk to you seems greater. If I was you I'd really want to get my weight down to have a healthy pregnancy. Why don't you give yourself a year to lose a few stone and then start trying? 38 isn't too old. I had my second at 38 and plenty of people have babies at that age.

Thank you all for your honest advice, this is really helping me.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Don't worry the weird labia lump thing is very rare.

@SallyWD I'm 38 in July, but agreed better to lose the weight first, even if its then when I'm 39 we start trying.

I don't think you're ridiculous at all.

I'm 39 and having my first, in an ideal world I'll have two but will obviously see how the first goes. But I'm saying that because I don't think you need to rush this decision, take the time to work on your own health and feel like you're in a good place when you start trying again x

I think that losing weight first will help in a number of ways. It won't just reduce risks and increase fertility - you will also feel more in control and less anxious when pregnant. Set a target weight and/or age to start trying.

Although weight loss is a bit of a nightmare, you have a great incentive and things like exercise will help your relationship with your body.

Please don’t use the term heart baby, I was born with issues and as a child I hated being referred to as a ‘heart baby/child’ and have hang ups now even though I’m completely well.

How overweight are you?

@Luckycloverz 18 stone currently so very overweight. I was 14 stone before my DD, so even overweight then.

@Hollyhead thank you for saying that, I will definitely be mindful about not using that term moving forward.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment on my post. I really appreciate the advice!

Having a talk with the GP won't hurt. But if I'm honest, hearing your story, I'd be scared. I had my two at 36 and 39 but they were both simple pregnancies. DC2 was born in a midwife unit.

Also, I don't know if there are any private options. But I wonder if there is any option to get a consultation with a obstetrician.