Advice on parents staying over when baby is born - LONG

[Orissiah]

Hello all,

I need some advice, especially from women who have given birth before. My parents are elderly and struggle to get around much. I live in London and they live in Norfolk - so a fair bit away. I would dearly love them to come down to London immediately when my daughter is born and enjoy her first few days. This they can do via train - no problem.

But their lack of mobility means I am reluctant to book them into a hotel and rely on taxis to get to and from my home. This leaves the option of having them stay for a week or more in my house. They do not know anyone else they can stay with. This seems fine to me but I am nervous because I may get stressed out with them being around 24/7 while I may want to spend long periods alone bonding with my baby and husband - just the three of us.

My in laws also live far away but they are healthy and mobile enough to make their own living arrangements so they can pop in and out but leave us when we need to be left.

If I asked my parents to come down a week or so after the baby is born then I may hurt them and also it will hurt me. Once they are here, I wouldn't have to do anything for them because inside the house my mother especially is happy cooking and organising things (my father, though has early, very mild dementia).

Am I stressing out for nothing? What is the likelihood of me wanting to keep visitors at the minimum as I bond with my baby? Will it all get too much having my parents living with us 24/7 in the first 2 weeks?

Sorry for long post.

O
30+2 weeks.

Such wonderful replies, many thanks all - you've given me much to think about. What I've learned most from your responses is that the week after birth is when I am most vulnerable and would most appreciate some full on privacy and bonding time. My husband is wonderful and will cook and clean as well as bond!

I will really have to give this some thought as I don't want to hurt my parents - it's such a hard time for them both dealing with my father's recently diagnosed mild dementia. They certainly have the right to want to see their first and only grandchild as soon as possible. I may need to insist to all visitors that I prefer visits after day 3 or 4 only - that way my parents won't feel everyone is seeing the baby first, before them.

My P's and PIL did the same with all 3 of mine - they came and saw the babies on day 1 or 2, PIL then disappeared with a booking for a few weeks hence to come again and stay for the weekend. My parents stayed and helped so that when my dh went back to work (day 3) I wasn;t killing myself. For ds my dad stayed a week and my mum for 2, with dd1 they both planned to stay for 10 days but we were snarling at each other on day 6 so they left! For dd2 they stayed for 4/5 days (can't remember exactly) and then left me to it....by that point, having 'visitors' was vastly more inconvenient than having another baby!! My MIL had said quietly and rather sadly to my dh though that she would have been loved to be asked to stay and be the 'main carer' instead of my parents - I just couldn't do it though - with the stitches, hormones and lack of sleep I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't ruin our relationship forever! (and it's a good one so it wasn't worth the risk)

I think it's funny how relatives think they've got the RIGHT to insist on visiting as soon as you get home! I can echo what beforesunrise says, if you get on well with your mum and she can help you, then excellent, but don't feel you HAVE to have people come over until you are ready.
Do you think your mum and dad wouldn't mind delaying their visit by a little while if they knew they could then stay a bit longer as you'll be more in the swing of things? My Mum came three days after i got home (after a section) and was fab, she stayed for a week and really helped out with all the practical stuff and i wasn't embarrassed when i had the boo-hooing abdabs one day in front of her! (might have felt differently in IL's had been there....) But it was 2 weeks before we let anyone else in! And even now DH says those days when we were just peaceful and getting to know the little 'un without distraction were lovely - you won't get those first few days back. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mum and dad so i'm sure whatever you decide they'll be understanding.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. My parents are coming over for a week-long visit a month and a half before the baby is due so I will be able to see how my Dad copes in a new environment then (our new house).

But I talked everything over with my mum and provisionally my mum agreed that they will then come over a week after the birth and stay for a couple of days. We will request the same thing from all visitors unless they come over for just an hour or two in week one.

This will give my husband and I quiet bonding time with the baby for a week just the three of us.

Then my parents will come over for a week and a half again later when my husband goes back to work after paternity leave.

I am so close to my parents and especially want my mum close with me, especially when my husband returns to work. I think this is a good solution. My mum said she will look after both my father (with mild/early dementia) and me (and help me with the cooking and cleaning) and it will enable my father to have bonding time with my baby too.