When to have a second baby

[ruby7]

Hallo

I was just wondering if anyone had similar thoughts - my son is 3yrs 5months, and I'm only just thinking that I might be getting near wanting to get pregnant again. If I get pregnant now he'll be 4yrs 2months, which I already think is much older than I'd have liked! It takes so long to make them! You have to move so fast don't you?

I already avoid playgrounds coz of all the mummies with their little ones and perfectly-spaced bumps or ones in prams. I feel very guilty and a bit of a failure not to have had another one already - unlike most of the other mums I know. I had quite bad PND after my first and it's made me quite apprehensive, and makes me feel crap and different.

Has anyone else had babies quite far apart? And how has that worked out for you? Is it a good thing?

Would love to hear.... I feel so guilty for my son....

I was 5.10 when my little sister was born.
And 12.8 when my other little sister was born.

We all get on brilliantly, and had a lovely time growing up together.

I think as long as a child is loved and well cared for, it doesn't matter how close in age they are to their siblings, or indeed if they have siblings at all.

Please don't feel guilty, or that you are a failure. You need to make sure you are completely well after your PND.

And what may be suitable for one family, may not be suitable for another.

Hi ruby
I also had quite bad pnd, and have the same reservations about having another baby. You have my sympathies... it seems so easy for everyone else, doesn't it? For me, another baby (not another pregnancy, that would be fine) seems like such a huge hurdle. Sometimes I think I should just go for it, knowing as I do now that all the really hard stuff at the beginning would pass.
DD is 2.3, and no plans until she's 3 at least.
Nothing wrong with large age gaps. 4 years 3m between me and my brother, 6 years between dh and his brother. We all have great relationships.
Please don't feel guilty. You must do what is right for your family.

I'm very much hoping to have a second... DS is nearly 3, so if it happens we would have an age gap of around 4 or more.

I do know what you mean about everyone else with their second babies. I've wanted another for a while (just DP draging his heels) so I've been very jealous of everyone getting pg - I know only one other mum with a DC the same age as DS, who hasn't had a second yet.

BUT I actually think a bigger age gap is mainly a good thing for the kids themselves. My friends with two close together are knackered and it has to be said, often DC2 is largely ignored - when not being whacked/otherwise put upon by resentful DC1. (Not of course that that always happens, but it does with plenty of people I know!) Also, I grew up with a younger sister very close in age, and it was a pain. Because we were almost the same age we were basically treated as a pair, yet she was a year behind so never "as good" as me, which contributed to her crap self-esteem IMO. I still find her needy and clingy and feel consumed by guilt to this day about being "better" than her.

With a big age gap, going by people I know, each child gets time with the parents - the older one is starting school - and a chance to be their own person. Plus the older one is mature enough to have things explained to them, to want to help and to be sensible when you're struggling with the little one.

Hi. I'm almost 4 weeks pregnant with no and dd will be 4 in may. She starts school full time in September 2 months before bean is born. I found having dd when she was tiny immensly stressful, suffered evere PND and consequently decided i was not having any more. Ever.
I changed my mind I am really, really looking forward to having two however i think, for me anyway, having a biggish age gap was almost a nessecity! It will be nice to enjoy no 2 and devote all my attention to it while dd is at school during the day, also they will go to bed an hour apart so dd being 4 years older will have at least an hour in the evening being by herself with mummy and daddy.
I do sometimes wonder if they would be closer if the age gap was less, but tbh i think dd will love being able to help me with no 2 and will be close anyway.
My great aunt is a wopping 13 years younger than my grandma btw, and they are and always have been very close as my gran was always protective of her being so much younger.
Good luck, hope this helps a bit

Thanks girls, and congratulations serendeippity! Yes, I think it can be better for the child having a big age gap. It's definitely better for me. Sometimes I don't care about the norm, but sometimes it really bothers me. Just want what's best for my son really.

By husband's siblings were born when he was 6 and there were no issues or problems. He was glad to have them as at last he had someone to play with.
As long as they are all loved and taken care of it doesnt matter what the age gap is!
Stop worrying and beating yourself up.
Everything happens for a reason.
Do things at your own pace and take no notice of everyone else and their bumps!!

My dd is 4.2 and ds was born 4 weeks ago. I'm finding it relatively easy (no more difficult than with dd anyway!) as dd is now more independent and understands why things are different now. She dotes on her brother and is being fab so don't worry!

And how was it when you were growing up Justabout? Did you play together?

I'm 31 weeks now and DD is 4.2. I'm actually pleased about the age gap because I don't think I could have coped sufficiently with 2 DCs so close together. All of my pregnancies have been unplanned, although DH and I did intend to have children. I was pg again when DD was 8 months and although I was devestated when I MC'd I just know I wouldn't have been able to cope with it.

This time round, I am feeling a lot more positive about the whole thing. DS will be born in late May/early June and DD will be off to school in September. So there will be time for them both to get to know each other without DD worrying that she is being pushed to school so as I can sit around and play with her brother all day.

I think back to when my friend had her DS and then her DD when he was 2 and I saw how she struggled with it all. I'm not saying that is the case for everyone, but I just know I would've struggled in a similar way and tbh, I want to enjoy the whole experience, not struggle through it.

The age gap has also allowed DH and I to fulfill some of our desires with regard to college and studying. We are both more qualified now than we were when we had DD and feel that this can only be of benefit to our children in terms of earning potential and providing them with the kind of life we want for them. We were not in a position to provide DD with very much in those early days, bar the essentials, but now we are in a position where we can do all the things we want to do for our family.

I also feel that with DD being that bit older, she will be able to appreciate her brother a bit more than if she was younger. She is actively involved in most of the decisions DH and I are making about him, such as name etc and I just know that she is going to be a fab big sister.

Hi Ruby. I had a thread the other day about aiming for a 3 year gap. Tbh, i'd have a longer gap if I were younger! My dh is 5 years older than his brother, and they are close. Also, my friend has a 4 yr gap and her boys love each other to bits. Personally, I couldn't cope with less than 3 years. I have had depression throughout my life and feel the stress of two los around all day would get to me. When ds goes to nursery, I feel i would be able to cope though.
You really have nothing to feel guilty about. You are trying to create the best, most stable environment for all of you.

DS 4 this week and little sister due in 7 weeks.

He can't wait. He's very caring with me and my bump as and very interested in other babies around us.

Only 6 months ago, he was still completely wrapped up in me.
Obviously, they won't really play together for another 18 months.
But now he goes to school and plays independently, can do lots for himself which means it should be easier practically and emotionally.

I'm very close to my sister and she's 9 years older.
Less so with my brother 6 years younger but that's because I don't approve of some things.
Brother and sister and thus 15 years appart but have a close relationship.

There is a five and a half year gap between me and my brother and it works fine. I think its far better to have a second child when you are ready rather than to conform with an idea of the norm. My mum said that having a bigger gap meant that she could enjoy each child individually more as longer with the first one and then time with the second one when the first was at school.

Thanks so much everyone. I really like the idea of there being less jealousy and having quality time with parents. Also, I have to admit, I do look at friends with 2 under 3 and thank God I'm not them! It just looks like hideous hard work. I'm so grateful for the lovely times I've had with my son, and can have those again with the next one. Hurrah!

Ruby, DS is almost 11 months and we won't be trying for another one until DS is 3 or 4. I love him to bits and would love to have another baby but I just can't see how I could cope with 2 "babies" at the same time! I have found the last year so rewarding but so bloody difficult and knackering! I like the idea of DS being in school/ sleeping properly/ out of nappies/ independant etc so that I can have time with new baby and to rest.
Don't feel gulity, you are doing what is best for you as a family.

You have a gap that works for you not anybody else..I had all mine close together despite bad depression as the idea of getting out of baby stage and then starting again terrified me..however I do know people who think 4 yr gaps are fantastic.